The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-51-

Dimitri's P.O.V.

I called Violet and Luna to pick me up and dragged myself to their car before hugging Snowy as if my life depended on it.

They seemed worried but I wasn't in the mood to talk and they got the idea, so they didn't ask any questions as we drove home. I felt relieved but also sad when I saw we arrived, knowing I'll be aone with my thoughts again for a while.

Luna turns around and sighs.

"Hey...look at me"

I look up but im afraid I'll start crying again if she'll keep looking at me with those affectionate eyes.

"Make sure to rest and tell us what happened when you can, okay?" she pats my shoulder and I nod, standing up from the car.

My legs feel heavy, as if they're rocks and the air feels suffocating. I lead Snowy inside after waving to Luna and Violet one last time, trying to stop the tears from flowing. I drag my body again, this time up the stairs and fight the urge to just lay there and never stand up again.

I finally arrive in the apartment and look around, not knowing what to do first. I let out a shaky breath and feel the tears finally rolling down my cheeks. The person that inspired me, that kept me alive for so long, that fought so hard. Dead. She's dead. And I can't do anything but parhetically sob in my own hands as I recall all my memories from childhood.

Her cooking, ruffling my hair. Me playing without a care in the world.

I wasn't even there at her funeral. I didn't even knew she died. I couldn't even say goodbye. Who was the last person she saw? What were her last words? Why? Just why?

The tears are still pouring as I sob with such desperation, I never knew it was possible. This feels completely different from that time with Harper. It's a different kind of pain and I feel my whole body aching along with my belly. But I'm still crying.

I can't stop crying. Everytime I calm down slightly, another memory appears and my breath hitches and it's like my chest is being pressed down by an elephant standing on it. I need someone. I need Felix.

I extend my shaky arm to call him but can't see clearly because of the tears. Before I can call him I hear a knock on the door and my heart sinks in my chest.

Snowy walks towards the door, barking at it and I stand up, opening it. Felix is in front of me with a bright smile but it quickly vanishes when he sees the state I'm in. He rushes to me and holds my face in his hands.

"Dima? What's wrong? What happened?"

I open my mouth to answer but can't so I just shut up and feel the tears pouring again. He wipes my tears and then hugs me tightly. I hug him back and sob into his chest, not even caring that I'm making a mess on his coat.

He tries comforting me, rubbing small circles on my back while still holding me and I clench my fists on his shirt tightly, as if he'll completely vanish if I let him go.

Some time passes and my sobs finally quiet down a little bit and Felix pulls away, slowly, before caressing my face with his hands. His eyes are full of worry and I curse at myself for making him feel bad for me. But I couldn't help it.

Snowy barks at us and Felix pets his head gently before looking at me again. I'm silent, still sniffling.

"What happened?" he asks gently.

Of course he asked. Of course. I struggle and stutter a few times before finally giving him an answer.

"My grandma...she...she died"

It feels even more real now that I say it, but my brain still can't comprehend it. Grief...i didn't miss it at all. I never knew how to handle it. Maybe The Shadow for me was my grief. All my grief. Grief that I learned to live with but that i didn't understood.

Grief is so weird. So awful. The feeling of your whole body aching for a soul that isn't even here anymore. To hold them, hear their voice or see them again for one last time. The fact that it never truly goes away no matter how much time passes. That you'll always think about it, but you slowly learn to live with it. To distract yourself from thinking about it.

"Im so sorry" Felix rubs my shoulder in an attempt at comforting me and I ruffle my hair.

"Its fine"

It's not fine. My eyes are puffy and hurting, I got a killer headache and my whole body feels wobbly. More than that, I feel an impending sense of doom again, like I did after Harper died. But it's not like it's Felix's fault. He shouldn't apologise for that.

I can feel The Shadow behind me again, more impending and stronger than ever, as if it's on my back, forcing me too carry it. But I don't even pay it any mind. From the looks of it, Felix can't see it so all's well. Or maybe he can but he doesn't want to worry me even more.

For the first time in my life, I don't feel afraid of it. Just exhausted. And hunched down because of it. So i just let it there. I don't run away from it. Just let it do its thing.

Maybe this is what I had to do from the beginning. Even though it feels like I'm suffocating, even though I'm struggling and feel like dying. Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have run away from it.