The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-49-

Dimitri's P.O.V.

I sit at the table and watch as mom cooks, the fragrance of pelmeni engulfing the house. Dad sits across from me, reading a newspaper and I want to dig a hole to hide myself because of the awkwardness.

She puts the plate in front of me and I thank her before digging in. The dumplings melt into my mouth and take me back to childhood, so many times I've eaten this meal for dinner, without even paying attention to the taste. But now it's like all my senses are hightened and a shiver goes down my spine.

Mom smiles at me and my dad's gaze softens. I've never seen him have such a soft gaze, such understanding eyes. Where was this understanding when I needed it the most? When I was a kid? A teenager?

I shift in my chair and clear my throat before speaking up.

"It's good"

Even the words feel off. The way the accent slips and the way the lettes roll off my tongue. Is it because I haven't spoken Russian in a while? Or has it always been such a foreign language to me?

Dad huffs approvingly and crosses his arms over his chest.

"At least you haven't forgotten your roots! Your language!"

I bite back a scoff and shrug.

"How could I dad? You were the one that always made sure to remind me I'm russian every day"

He raises an eyebrow and I smirk at him but none of us say anything anymore. I eat faster, like I've been starving for weeks, and mom almost cries out of happiness.

"Do you want some more?" she immediately stands up, ready to give me more food but I shake my head.

Then I look down at the table cloth and play with it, pressing my lips into a thin line. The question I've been meaning to ask since I arrived here, stuck in my throat. I clutch my cross necklace, as if on instinct and take a deep breath.

"How's grandma?" I ask with a hopeful smile and mom's expression seems surprised before she looks away.

Both mom and dad are silent now and my smile slowly falteres, replaced by furrowed eyebrows.

"Well?" I ask again, feeling as if the chair is on fire, as if I can't stay still.

"Dimitri" mom grabs my hands across the table before looking at me with a sad expression.

Wait. No, no, no. She can't say what I think she wants to say.

"Your grandma...last year she..."

Mom talks, but I dont hear anything except a ringing in my ears. A deafening one. I stare at mom like a lifeless body, my eyes looking through her, not at her. I look down at my hands, but they dont seem mine anymore. Neither do my legs, or my face, or my body.

I touch my face, but its like I have a mask on, and the real me behind it can't come out. I look at my empty bowl and feel nauseous out of a sudden. Then mom's voice comes back slowly, reminding me where I am.

I want to cry, but nothing comes out and I take a deep breath, my hands shaking as I try to gather my thoughts. How? Why? There are so many questions I want to ask. I wanna go home. Home being my apartment and Felix waiting for me so we can cuddle, or kiss. Or just lay there. So my chest won't feel so heavy for a little while.

"How did she die?" I finally ask and mom sighs.

"She died in her sleep. Of old age. She didn't suffer" she puts on a sad smile and I nod, my head feeling heavy out of a sudden.

I look down and then stand up. Maybe I should go. Maybe it was a bad idea to come here after all. If i hadn't come I wouldn't have known about grandma...

Maybe it would've been bettee to be oblivious...

"Dimitri...I'm sorry" mom looks up at me with sadness and pity in her eyes and I hate that. I hate that stare so much.

"I need to go"

That's the last thing I say before rushing out, leaving the house and walking onto the street. I don't know what to do from here so I just walk...and walk and walk until my feet ache and my head is ringing with thoughts.

I search my pockets for a cigarette and curse at myself when I realize I don't have any. I sit down on the edge of the sidewalk and hold my face in my hands, rubbing my forehead in frustration.

It's almost Christmas. I can hear the sound of joyous carols and children laughing and adults buying gifts. But I don't feel merry at all. I feel far from merry.

I look up at the sky and let out a broken sob.

"Grandma..."