The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-43-

Felix's P.O.V.

Dimitri is telling the whole story with tears in his eyes, almost breaking down at the end. Talking about how he found Harper and how he asked Violet and Luna for help only after what seemed like hours.

He couldn't move or talk.

What can you even say in such a situation?

"It's okay. You don't need to talk anymore" I hugged him and felt like my eyes were also filling with tears.

As we stood there, in each other's embrace, I felt my whole body shuddering with sadness and mourning. Even though I never knew Harper personally, he was loved by Dimitri.

I can't even imagine what it must've been like for him to be the one to find him dead. For sure, I know that if I would find Dimitri dead out of nowhere I would fall into a deep depression.

"That's why we moved here. I couldn't stay there after what happened. It's a miracle I even stayed alive" he sighs and pulls away, taking another look at the tomb with a smile on his face.

"I think it was for the best"

"Yeah" he nods.

Suddenly we both hear a bark from a nearby bush. There's some rustling and a cute little dog walks hurried towards us. Dimitri wipes his tears and laughs, crouching down to pet the dog, its tail wiggling.

I look at him with soft eyes and can't help but feel that warmth again. He went through so much and is such a strong person, it makes me admire him. How can someone be so kind to everyone and everything around him even after all that happened?

"Want to take the dog with us?" I ask out of nowhere, confident for some unknown reason.

"Hmmm" he looks at me and then at the dog before smiling again "Sure"

But for some reason it seems sadder. A sad smile. It seems that he wants to hide what he truly feels again.

I noticed that when we first met too. That he likes to hide his emotions, to push them down and wear a neutral expression instead, or in this case a smile. He doesn't talk about what he thinks or feels often.

We stay there for some time, in silence. A part of me is happy, that he trusts me that much, enough to share his past with me. But another part is sad for what he had to endure.

Hopefully, I can make it easier for him, just by being next to him. I know I'll try my best to pull him up if he ever falls again, reassuring him that a bad week or month isn't the end.

We take the dog with us and leave the cemetery, going home by foot even though we came by bus. Dimitri insisted that he wants to clear his head. I can see that his thoughts are weighting him down and it hurts me that I can't help him more.

"He'll definitely need a bath when we get home" he finally says and I nod.

Subtly, or at least that's what I think, I brush my pinkie finger against his hand. He smiles, gets the message and intertwines our fingers. My whole face is red and even though it's cold outside, I feel like I'm burning up. We're holding hands.

I can't believe this.

My phone rings and takes me out of my daydream. However I don't leave his hand and instead use the other one. It's Hana. Suddenly my stomach drops. I always get tangled up with Dimitri and spend the night at his apartment without telling her.

It became something usual. But of course she's still worried about me. I can tell just from her voice as she's asking me where I am. I assure her that everything is fine and there's a long silence.

"Okay then... Remember to check the Christmas shopping list again... I don't think I'll have time to go myself"

That's it. I tell her I'm gonna go and then end the call. Dimitri looks at me and then smiles again.

"Have I been keeping you away from home?"

"Oh... I don't mind... It doesn't really matter" I scratch the back of my head and blush again while he smirks at me.

The dog is obediently following us and we stop from time to time to pet him while Dimitri smokes.

"Are you stressed?" I ask while kneeling beside the dog and he shakes his head.

"No... Not really. I was just craving a cigarette..." he exhales the smoke and I nod.

It's not my place to tell him what to do with his life. It's just unusual to see him smoke more often. Last time I saw him do that we were in the woods, minutes before disaster.

"You don't have to explain yourself. I don't mind" I pet the dog gently.

"Do you plan on telling her?"

"What?"

He clears his throat and does some weird gestures in the air, but surprisingly I get what he's talking about.

"Oh! Oh... That... Well..."

I haven't thought about my coming out to Hana in ages. It didn't seem like a priority to me at all even though I'm fully aware I'll have to do it at some point. But why does it feel so hard?

Am I afraid of rejection? That she'll treat me differently? See me differently? Won't she be disappointed? Or maybe sad?

What kind of expectations does she have?

Just thinking about it gives me a headache and Dimitri can tell so he ruffles my hair while finishing his smoke.

"Let's go"

We walk again but this time I'm the one whose head is full of unnecessary and dreadful thoughts.

"I admire you... You and Violet and Luna. It seems like you have it all figured out. Coming out and sexuality and what other people think of you. It's like you don't care and you're proud of who you are... But I can't not care. If that makes any sense. I'm insecure of who I am..."

It all comes out in a weird tangled sentence and I'm surprised that Dimitri manages to understand me. He suddenly hugs me and strokes my back gently, making me feel things I haven't before.

"It takes time. I used to be like you. Insecure. And I still care about what people have to say... Even though I don't want to. Subconsciously I still do. It's hard but you don't need to figure it all now. Do what feels right in the moment"

I hug him tightly before we step away from each other and smile. I really want to kiss him. Then he looks up excited.

Little snowflakes fall all around us, finally reminding us that Christmas is indeed near.

"It's snowing" 

But I'm not looking at the sky. I'm only looking at him. At his excited expression full of happiness.