The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-36-

Dimitri's P.O.V.

I'm fucking tired.

So fucking tired.

Of The Shadow. Of Harper. Of my fucking parents. Of my childhood. Of my sad and pathetic excuse of a life.

We're going home, but I feel empty on the inside. I can't lie anymore. I haven't moved on. I don't know if I ever will.

"Dimitri! Wait!" Felix is struggling to keep up with me but it's like I can't even hear him.

I want to sit down right now, in the middle of the forest, and scream my lungs out and cry. Instead I suddenly stop and take my backpack off, looking through it. When I finally find a cigarette I take it and grab the lighter I always have with me.

Felix looks at me with disgust and I turn away from him. I can't bear to let him see me like this. It's already destroying me enough.

"Talk to me" he puts a hand on my shoulder but I just gently push him away, wiping my tears.

"I don't want to"

My hands are shaking like crazy and I'm sure I'm close to having a panic attack, but staring at the ground helps me a bit. As weird as that sounds.

Deep breaths. Focusing on my surroundings and where I am. All that stuff that is supposed to calm me down and make me feel better.

"Do you need anything?"

I'm scared. I'm scared I'll accidentally lash out at Felix or even worse, do something I'll regret later. Why can't he just keep his distance? I need to be left alone, with my thoughts so I can clear them.

I finish my cigarette pretty fast and then grab my backpack, walking again with Felix behind me. The only thing I want right now is to be at home, in my bed and stare at the ceiling in silence.

That seems to work whenever my mind goes off the charts. Thinking about all the messed up aspects of my life.

"Look! I'm sorry. I understand. It must be hard. I lost someone dear too" he tries to grab my hand but at this point I'm too angry at myself.

"Did you found their body? Did you stood there waiting for them to wake up? Did you fucking beg for them to wake up? You can't compare us!"

I say whatever is on my mind. Blinded by anger, not even being able to see Felix's expression, full of pain. Only after I stop and take a few deep breaths I realize what I've done. Of course I can't compare me and Felix.

He's kind and nice and he's been hurt too. While I'm here trying to act like the victim only to make myself feel better about how shitty I am.

Comparing us would be like comparing the sky and the ground.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks because I know no matter how many times I say sorry it will never make him forget. He saw me as a friend, someone to trust, and I just said all that shit to his face.

"I don't want to fucking talk"

It's like I can't stop. I want him to leave me alone.

This time, he doesn't follow me as I walk through the forest, looking at my phone, trying to not get lost.

By the time I'm back in town I'm more dead than alive. My eyes are puffy from crying and I've been smoking cigarette after cigarette. Evey time I turn around, hoping to see Felix, he's not behind me.

I'm disgusted by myself and don't even know why I made such a big deal out of everything. Why do I always act like the world is ending whenever someone mentions the fact that maybe I haven't moved on from Harper's death?

I get all defensive and act no better than the people I hate the most, my parents. Slowly, I feel like I'm becoming them and it's the worst thing, making me want to disappear from this earth.

Now I have no other option but to keep my distance in order to not say some messed up shit again. Especially to Felix.

I always shout and scream at everyone who comes too close to me when I'm frustrated because of myself. Why am I hurting other people just because I hate myself?

After a long walk I finally arrive home and immediately break down as soon as the door closes. Luckily, Violet isn't home and she won't see me in this horrible state.

Like everytime I have a problem, I find peace and safety in sitting down on the floor, hugging my legs. Letting it all out.

Basil had a point, as much as I hate to admit it.

Harper really is my shadow. Even after death he is still here, affecting me and my decisions. I can feel his presence even though he's clearly not here.

I want to see him again, to hug him and to talk to him. My whole body is aching with the wish of being next to him one last time, saying how sorry I am for everything.

I wish I'd been there for him when times were rough. There were many other things I could have done to make it easier for him. Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I tell him that I loved him so much?

A part of me passed away with him. That part of me that had the hope of finding a better life outside of the place I was raised in.

I couldn't save Harper.

But I thought I could save Felix. That I wouldn't mess it up again, that I would have the time to say everything I need to.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.