THE PROFESSOR'S MANIPULATION

CHAPTER 20

For almost 3 months of hiding somewhere in Russia, I almost lost my self. I've been miserable while fighting for myself.

I was traumatised 'bout what happened. Nagmukha akong baliw habang nakakulong sa kwarto ko buong magdamag. Nakatulala at panay ang iyak. Scared someone might recognize me if I go out of my rented apartment.

I suffered a lot during my 3 months stayed here. I endured difficulties.

I was living in hell. My guilt would always eat me.

What happened before keeps hunting me every night. I can't sleep sound and peacful. I felt so guilty over what happened na kahit ang makakita lang ng bata o buntis na babae ay agad akong lumalayo at nagtatago sa takot na baka ay maulit ulit ang nangyari dati.

I can still remember my first day here. Buntis pa na babae ang may-ari ng apartment na rerentahan ko.

I traveled only with my personal credit cards and few cash money. I don't have any clothes with me when I left.

Naaalala ko pa rin ang tagpo kung saan tarantang-taranta ako at nagpanic ng sobra nang lapitan ako ng buntis na landlady.

I was screaming in fear. Binabalaan siyang h'wag lumapit sa akin. She's a bit older than me.

Nanginginig ako at halos sumiksik na sa masikip na parte ng apartment na rerentahan ko.

"Miss! Miss! Hindi ka namin sasaktan. Huminahon ka."

"H'wag kang lumapit!" I shouted. Nakatakip sa mga tenga ko ang dalawa kong kamay. Habol-habol ko ang hininga habang binabalaan sila ng tingin.

The commotion I made turns into a disaster dahil kabuwanan na rin niya ay imbis na sa susunod pa na linggo ay mas napaaga ng dahil sa akin ang panganganak niya.

I was so scared. Akala ko ay may nangyaring masama na naman.

Takot na takot ako. And then later after the landlady discharged in the hospital, ako agad ang una nitong binisita. She become worried to me everytime natataranta ako kapag nakikita siya. Palagi niya akong pinapaalalahanan.

"H'wag kang matakot. Hindi ka namin sasaktan."

Iyan ang palagi niyang sinsabi sa akin.

That's my every day scenario every time I see her especially when she's holding her baby. But then, she help me overcome my fear.

We become closed as she keeps on visiting me in my occupied apartment. She never bugs me about the payment. All she's worried is me. Kung anong nangyayari sa akin.

Hanggang sa naging magkaibigan kami. And I can share my secrets to her. Nasabi ko sa kaniya ang napagdaanan ko dati bago ako napunta rito sa Russia.

At first, I thought she become distant as she know my story. I thought she thinks I'm a criminal because of what happened, but I was wrong. Tinulongan niya akong makalimutan ang trauma ko.

Everytime she visited me, she'll bring her daughter with her. Tuwing na sa trabaho ang asawa niya ay sa akin siya pumupunta. She'll ask me to help her took care of their baby.

Inaaya niya akong kargahin ang anak niya. Challenging me to start my process of overcoming my fear.

At first I was hesitant. My fear always got triggered pero ay inaalo ako ni Sarah tuwing nagpaparamdam ang takot ko dahil sa trauma.

Then, the first time I held her baby in my arms. Nanginginig pa ako. Sarah was out of the apartment dahil bumili ng gatas para sa anak niya. Baby Sera is already 2 months old when I first held her due to her constantly crying.