A Saint To A Sinner

1.1

Today was the day Uhtred would return to Cookham after his travels, a place Y/N resided once Kjartan had been killed at Dunholm. She had no desire to return back to Winchester with Hild, she did not wish to return to a Nunnery, it was not her fate. Instead her fate lied in Cookham, with the torment of her unholy desires. The young woman had spent the three years in Cookham trying to work out her conflicted desires over two men. Hild believe God had placed this challenge on her for a reason, but the reasoning behind God's work confused her, and she felt like a whore.

She often wondered if it was her naivety of love, that neither men where interested in her, only toying with her, but the Lady Gisela had seen neither men respond to other woman in the way they did her. Gisela's adviced her to talk to them but her plan had failed. Y/N had ended up kissing both of the men in the past at different stages, nearly bedding the other. When the two had eventually confronted her she had panicked and childishly ran away. The two men where different with her and she needed both. One was attentive to her needs, and challenged her when she needed it. The other made her weak and a sinner, making her defy her own God.
"How will you face them, when they return?" Gisela watched the woman's head pressed against the table as her son Young Uhtred played around her.
"I shall not face them." She would avoid them and never look at them again.
"No?" Gisela patted Y/N's head affectionately, "You should. It is fate." Fate. Fate got her into this mess in the first place. Y/N wished she had stayed in Winchester, but the woman had become frightened of that place.
"No I shall not. I will become a Nun and practice absenteeism." Gisela was not convinced but accepted it, watching the woman leave.

The woman had convinced herself until she nearly walked into one of them. Her eyes could not reach them, quickly scurrying away, back to Gisela's home.
"Are you avoiding my men?" Uhtred looked at her from the stairs, amused at the woman he had wanted to greet.
"I thank you for letting me stay with the Lady Gisela, Lord." Uhtred pointed his finger at her with sarcasm.
"That is not what I asked." The woman frowned, she did not want this topic to come up.
"And what is it you wish for me to say to them Lord?"
"What you want isn't hard to come by. Go and talk to them." Uhtred tried to shoo her away, so that he could greet his wife properly as one does, when they have been away for so long.
"I'm not a whore." Y/N pointed back.
"I never said you was. Let them tell you." Uhtreds face held a troublesome smirk, which told her not to find them and that she should become a Nun.
"I will avoid your men." The woman said with a huff before turning back towards the door, heading towards the main grounds.

Y/N knew she would face them, it was bound to happen. Cookham was small, she could not run. All she could do was pray to God to give her strength to deny both men. That was the path. The correct one that was best for all of them, she wouldn't have to choose and neither would suffer. That's what she thought, until she faced them, feeling completely exposed. Neither one spoke, just eyeing each other, until one got up to greet her, but nothing fell out of their mouth except the other man's name, alerting them of King Alfred's arrival. A sense of relief hit her as they greeted the King instead, but it would not last long, she could feel it. Neither of them gave anything away, but she could sense the urgency to talk, she wished for God to put her out of her misery but he did not. Instead God gave her those toying knots in her stomach when she looked at them. Reminding her of the way they made her feel. The way one tasted like salt and the other like pure ale. The way one smelled like grass, while the other smelled like burnt wood. Y/N knew the way her mind wandered off she was going to Hell. This torment burned her stomach with desire, providing her a whorish trait she did not want but started to need it. She started to need them.

The only person she could talk to, about her conflicting desires was her sister Hild, who was finding the art of swordsmanship conflicting.
"Are you giving up your sword sister?" Y/N watched her sister remove her armour before God. Something Hild had begun to question over the past few weeks.
"Sister." Hild greeted the woman in a hug, before sitting on the small bench in front of God.
"Maybe it is your fate to return to God as it is mine to face the trials of men." Hild touched her clasped hands with her hands
"You mean, the trial of love." The woman grunted and continued to bow her head in prayer, asking God for a small sign. Something to tell her what she should do. In a way she sort of wished they would leave her alone and she could remove these feelings, but as always the woman liked to make things difficult.
"Maybe, you could build a Nunnery here." Y/N knew her sister would not return back to Winchester either.
"And what will you do?"
"I told Gisela I would practice-" Y/N stopped when the King entered the small shack, which had become a Christocentric place.
"Lord King." Y/N muttered watching him look around before apologising to the woman. "Please. Don't let me disturb your peace."

Y/N did not wish to pray with the King and bid the two a goodbye. Y/N did not like to share her prayers in the comfort of others that she did not know. Instead Y/N chose to tend to the kitchen and help prepare food for the Lords with Gisela.
"How do you pray while cooking?" Gisela asked, watching her knead the doe. She had noticed the woman many times found solice in cooking and prayer.
"God will answer you wherever you are, but I am not praying to God but myself." Y/N hit the doe again, feeling rather angry. Their guests had nearly eaten them out of their harvest, to the point the woman thought about rationing them. Cookham had never had this many guests in one sitting, that the poor cooks were struggling to make food.
"Do we have anymore potatoes?" The women stared at each other, they were starting to run out of grain and meat. Even the carrots had started to disappear from the table.
"I will look round the back." Y/N murmured. On a hunt to look for more potatoes, but only found cabbages.

The woman stood with her hands on her hips trying to guess what was in each sack so she didn't have to carry the wrong one to Gisela. The woman sighed, grunting every so often as she swung one heavy sack from one place to another, still not finding the potatoes.
"Turnips it is." The woman stretched her arms back before picking them up with a grunt, her legs shaking at the weight.
"Woah woah." Y/N nearly dropped them when someone's voice made her jump. "I'll carry it."
"I'm telling you Sihtric they have eaten us out of the harvest." Y/N grumbled before crossing her arms looking at him ever so awkwardly.
"Good thing they are departing in the morning then." Sihtric said with a smirk, causing the woman to chuckle awkwardly, standing there for a minute until realising he wanted her to open the door.

It was almost awkward to walk beside him again, because she did not know what to say.
"What did the King want?" Y/N almost slapped herself for the stupid question, it was an obvious answer, King Alfred wanted to gather men at Beamfleot to prevent Guthrum from taking it.
"He wants us to return to Winchester." Y/N looked at Sihtric surprised, her heart almost dropping but her mind told her it would be for the best.
"You should return with Hild." Sihtric offered before adding, "I and Finan will protect you." Y/N smiled gently, noticing Gisela's amused expression.
"Thank You Sihtric." Gisela thanked him as he placed the bag of Turnips down.
"Maybe no absenteeism." Y/N muttered as she grabbed a knife to start chopping again.

She knew she would end up agreeing, hoping the journey would be smooth, but she feared Winchester. She had incredibly bad experiences there, when she was younger.
"Will you go to Winchester?" The woman rolled her eyes at Gisela, before turning back to what she was doing.
"Clapa. It is not going to be ready if you keep following me and Gisela around. Go!" Clapa grunted as the woman finally acknowledged him hovering behind her.
"SIHTRIC!" Clapa called as he walked out, "you're distracting Y/N again, she's cooking too slow." The woman's face turned red with embarrassment, before piling the food in the bowls.
"Not another word Gisela."
"Go eat." The woman ordered Y/N, giving her a bowl or broth before calling Clapa back in.

Y/N sat at the table opposite Clapa, glaring at each other, until Sihtric joined them, sitting next to her. It was an awkward silence that needed to be broken.
"When are you two going to speak." Y/N sighed, tilting her head to the left.
"I do speak to Sihtric." She defended awkwardly, the other men pretending not to listen. Y/N almost looked at Sihtric out of the corner of her eye who continued to eat.
"Leave her be Clapa." Clapa crossed his arms before making a bold statement.
"I won't say nothing, but what I will say is if I hear Sihtric or Finan complain I will come after you."
"Complain about what?!" Sihtric sat up looking at her gently.
"We will talk later." It was a promise, but he needed Finan with him.
"Everyone says that." She huffed causing Sihtric to look nervous and Clapa to shrug. She wanted to know what was going on and why everyone was pushing for this conversation.
"I'm not going to choose." Sihtric looked at her cautiously before leaning closer.
"Who said you have to."