Feeling Again-Mattheo Riddle;Book 2

Chapter 21: Conversation

TW: Mentions of suicide

As Loren walked away, I heard slow claps behind me. "That is something to write down in the books," I heard the horrible, familiar voice. 

"Not really," I say turning around. "It's a break up, which has nothing to do with you, so I don't understand why you're here, Tyler."  He simply shrugged his shoulders off. 

"I guess since my father got to say hi to you, I should too," he smirked all knowing. 

"Oh, speaking of your father, I broke his nose, how's it doing now?"  

"Just fine, a simple spell popped it back into place Snow. He said it was lovely to meet you again, and that he can't wait to meet you once more!" 

I groan, upset at his indifference. "Trust me, the next time I see your father, I will come out, my silver dagger and my hair dripping in his blood, and I'll come out with a smile, my bright teeth flashing out from my blood covered face. And the only thing you will see next from him is his headless body." 

His smirk fell for a second, because he knew I was capable of doing so, but then his smirk came back up. "That would be a great sight to see. You know what's even more interesting though? You too are a horrible person. You broke Loren, twice, and you hurt Mattheo, you ignore your friends, your brother, you wallow in your own trauma, and fail miserably when trying to save others. You're not selfish, but you're not selfless either, which makes it hard to read you, and wonder if you truly are a good person. You can't make decisions for yourself or others, and if you do they're impulsive, and end up with some negative after effect. I guess you can say comparing you and my father is easier than you initially thought. You hurt the people around you, and guess what? That's what my father does," he said, brushing past my shoulder as he walked away as if he said the most casual thing in the world. 

Upset, I walked back to my dorms. I felt so fucking upset, he was partially true, but was I really that horrible of a person?  It was only when I reached my dorm, I realized the whole reason I went to the library in the first place was to finish my homework. I slammed all the homework sheets I had on my bed, trying to plug my ears, since Ginny and her friend were listening to extremely loud country music in the room next to my dorm. Even though Ginny is my roommate, she spends a lot of time to the dorm next to ours with her other friend.  

After an hour, I finally finished my homework and began playing the ukulele again. I played a slow, slightly sad song. 

Snow on the beach, weird but fucking beautiful.  

I tried thinking about everything Tyler said. Not too in depth, but I thought about it. I did hurt people around me, and the thought hurt. Mattheo, I hurt him. Loren, I hurt him. Harry, I'm sure I hurt him more times than I can count. Ginny, hopefully not. I hated the thought that I may have hurt so many people, and now the thought kept on hitting me at the back of my head, I really wanted to know their opinion. 

Eventually, I gave up trying to think about his words, and instead, just laid back, putting away my ukulele. I sat by the window, watching the rain droplets have races with each other. No matter how fast one of the rain droplets was, the other one managed to catch up to it. After a few hours, I finally snapped out of my thoughts when my door opened and Ginny came back in. 

"Hey Snow," she said. 

"Wait..." I looked at the window and saw the sky was dark. What the hell, where did all the time go? "What time is it?" I say, standing up. 

"Uhm... around 11 pm." 

"You're telling me I was sitting by this window staring at the rain for 5 hours?" 

She shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno, I wasn't there." 

I rubbed my hands over my eyes. How am I losing so much time? I wasn't feeling sleepy so I just got up and went to leave. 

"Uh, no no no, where are you going?" Ginny said. 

"To the astronomy tower," I said. 

"You can't keep sneaking out at night, Snow. I mean, forget about the teachers, what if Harry finds out you're doing it EVERY night." 

"Who's going to tell him, you?" I ask. 

"If need be. We're worried about you, Snow," she said.

"I'm going Ginny, I'll be back soon, I promise. And I'll be safe." I flash her my silver dagger before putting it back in my pocket, and I head to the astronomy tower. The rain is still pattering on the ground and sides of the school, there will be a perfect view of it from the astronomy tower. When I reach there, I stand by the ledge. I see the full moon, and the rain, and the dark shadows of the forest. The view gets boring after a few mins so I take out the dagger in my pocket, fiddling around with it in my fingers. Such a beautiful, small object, can be so deadly. I can use it to take someone else's life, I can use it to take mine, I can use it to hunt. 

I trail the knife along my fingers. I don't want to cut myself but I can't pretend I never thought about it or even wanted to do it. The way I was lightly brushing the dagger around my hand felt soft, even calming in a way. My focus on the knife was taken away when large hands plucked the knife out of my hand. I looked up, afraid of who it was, and saw it was Mattheo. My shoulders immediately relaxed, thankful it wasn't a random stranger. Suddenly, it was awkward again. 

"Can I have that back," I said, reaching my hand out to grab it. He raised it slightly above my hand, so I couldn't grab it. "Seriously." 

"What are you doing here."

"What I always do. Just... chilling I guess," I say. 

"With a knife? Trailing your hands?" 

I scoff. "It's nothing like that, it's soothing." 

He leans over the ledge slightly, looking at me. His hands were resting in front of him, so I quickly grabbed my dagger again. 

He raised his eyebrows. "Not surprised," he said. Before anything else happened, I began leaving. "Hey hey, where are you going?" He said, grabbing my arm. 

"Back to the dorms." I try pulling out of his grip but he just brings me closer, facing him. My chest lightly touching his. 

"Why have you been ignoring me the past few days," he questioned. 

My breath hitched. "I.. I wasn't," he pulled me even closer, if that was possible. 

"Lies," he muttered. His other hand patted and smoothed out my slightly messy hair. "What did I do?" 

I shook my head before sighing. "Nothing. I swear, you did nothing. I just.... I broke up with Loren, in a not so nice way." 

He slightly smiled. " I would say I'm sorry but that would be a lie." 

"Yeah," I scoff, "I know. Though if I'm being honest we broke up because of you. Because, I realized I still have feelings for you." His face lit up. "But we can't do anything about it." 

He drops his head down, and puts his hands on my shoulders. He takes a few deep breaths before looking up at me. "Why?" 

"Because... I-" I knew the real reason, but saying it out loud would sound stupid. 

"Because what, Snow?" He stood up tall again, still lightly holding onto me. 

I blink a bit, debating if I should tell him. 

"Because I'm not good enough for you." 

Word Count: 1337