SACRIFICE ³ - DEAN WINCHESTER

Dear Dean.

Dear Dean,

Today is June 14th, 2008.  You started getting suspicious last week because you hadn't gotten any signs that your 'impending doom' was getting closer. You thought we got the dates wrong...

No. You just got the person wrong.

I thought we'd have more time. More time to finally realize this isn't the life we deserve, that we should have done what Sam did and run away from all of these responsibilities the second we had the chance.

But we just couldn't, could we? Our minds were so alike. We always felt like we had a duty to protect some strangers from ghosts, vampires and demons. Why? Why was it our responsibility? Some superiority complex? The feeling that we mean nothing if we aren't helping?

I thought that switching places with you would change things. That something would happen and we'd all be okay. But I was wrong... So very wrong.

Three months. I let you spend three months thinking you were going to die. And I just sat there, silently screaming at myself to tell you the truth. That you'd be okay.

But would you be okay knowing I was going to die? That I traded my life to save yours?

I know you probably think of me as the biggest hypocrite out there right now. And you're right. I got mad at you for selling your soul to save Sam, and I ended up doing the same thing.

I want to tell you that I saved you. But I can't. I'm not allowed to. You probably hate me for not saying anything, and I don't blame you.

Yeah... I hate me, too.

I hate that this was the only way to save you. I should have found a different way. I should have kept looking. I tried so hard to find a different way. I spent months searching. If you were given a longer time, I probably would have spent years searching for a way that all of us could live. But there isn't.

There's only one way to break a deal with a demon. And that's making another.

When you told Sam and I you were scared of going to Hell, I wanted to tell you in that moment. I don't know how I went three months not telling you what I had done. Are you still mad at me?

I'm sure you aren't, that you understand. I hope you understand, anyway. But I know you don't.

"How could she sell her soul for someone like me?" Is probably what you're thinking, isn't it? Wondering why I would save your life this way.

Because I love you. I love you, Dean Winchester. I love you more than I love a nice comfy bed. I love you more than I love that stupid Tetris game.

I love you more than life itself.

If I was given just two minutes to tell you what I had done, I wouldn't. Because I know how you'd react. You'd lash out. You'd pray that I was lying but know deep down that I was telling the truth. Blaming yourself for not realizing it sooner.

Please don't blame yourself for this, Dean. You already have so much lying on your shoulders. I don't need my death to be another burden for you.

I never liked goodbyes. It always made me think I'd never see the person again. Don't think of me dying as a goodbye, Dean. Because one day I'm going to bust out of Hell and I'll see you again. It took me a long time to think about it, and I guess I made my choice.

You are worth dying for, Dean. You mean everything to me. You deserve to be happy even when you think you don't. And I never gave up on trying to save you.

As long as you stay standing, I'll always be happy.

I love you, Dean. And this is how I want to show it.

Through sacrifice.

Until we meet again, your Jen.