Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

Quinn's Craziness

TW: mentions of breakdowns

Leah breathed out, I could see her shoulders were shaky, unlike the normal confidence her stance held. 

She walked towards the door. I didn't, I couldn't keep my eyes open to see her go, I saw her take one step, and that was all I needed to. 

It was so painful yet so strange as I never got her back in the first place, but something in me, something deep down told me it wasn't over for us. That there was more, that there was another chapter. 
I could never fully admit that belief to myself but I always knew it. 

But after this, there was no chance, this was the end. It was it. It was over. The castles had come crashing down and there was nothing of us left. It was over. 

I expected to hear the door open, a sound my entire soul was dreading, but instead I heard the lock, which triggered something else entirely. 

Due to my lack of consciousness, so to speak, in my head, I was in a completely different situation, my thinking wasn't rational, I was barely even thinking. My head flew out of my hands and I saw Leah, my heart immediately slowed back down to its previous pace where it felt as if it were barely beating at all. Just a weak beat every so often to keep the blood pumping around my body, much to my dismay, in those moments. 

Leah walked towards me, I was now a crumpled ball in the corner of the sofa, she held her arms up and moved slowly, she'd seen my panic, "Don't worry, I locked it so no one else walked in," she spoked softly, I'd always liked that about her, she had a nice voice. 

I felt her sit beside me on the sofa, slowly pulling me towards her, but it was gentle. I let her pull me onto her lap and I felt her hands comb through my hair. 

We both knew there was nothing that could be done to stop this breakdown, it had to run its course, whether that was for three hours or for three months. But she was trying to do whatever she could to make it better. 

"What's going on in that head?" She asked me softly, her voice never reaching above a whisper. 

"It's bad Leah, it's all gone bad again," I cried as the tears began to stream down my face. 

"Do you want me to call Russo?"

"No!" I quickly stated, "She can't know, she can't know that I can't survive without her for a single day."

Leah nodded, just trying to be a source of comfort, she was going to let me speak in my own time, not that I was really thinking about that in those moments. I was just trying to stop the war from crashing down in my head, I wasn't really thinking anything. I just knew it was bad, the thoughts never fully materialized or processed. 

"I can't do it anymore Leah," I cried into her lap, almost admitting defeat.

"What can't you do anymore?"

"Any of this. It's all too much."

For the four hours, we just sat there, I fully broke everything down, not even processing or remember what I'd said and she listened, knowing nothing that she said could make any difference, we'd been through this before and I'd go through this again. We never brought up what happened between us though, not once. 

The world continued crashing down on me, never seeming to end and just leaving me in the rubble and dirt. It was as if I were being pulled under a current in the ocean and just as I were about to run out of breath for the final time, I'd be allowed a momentary lapse of air, before I was dragged underneath again. As I've said before, life's shit, it happens.

It was exhausting. 

Leah never stopped running her fingers through my hair though and it did provide comfort, it was a small light amongst all the darkness and shadows. I think her touch kept the small part of conscious me, I had, there

It came to the point, where I was bored of crying, so I stopped, I forced myself to mask it, I realized I still couldn't trust Leah properly and everyone else was here, the team I'd met only a day ago, I was making a fool of myself. It was all stupid really, just a stupid little blip, that's what I said to myself as I sat up. 

I laughed lightly, "Quinn's craziness, hey?"

Leah shook her head, "You're not crazy."

"That's what they all say, then they walk out," I replied quietly, not targeting her in particular but I realized it probably hurt, I looked at her and smiled, "thankyou Leah. Thankyou for it all."

She nodded her head and returned the smile, I could see the hurt in her eyes though. 

"Better get out of here and see the mess they've made," I joked as I stood up, quickly realizing how out of it I still was and stumbled a little.

Leah got up quickly ready to catch me, "I'm good," I reassured her, "Just a stumble."

"You sure you want to go out there?" She hesitantly asked, knowing whatever she said, I'd do whatever I wanted.

"Yep," I said as I unlocked the door.

They were all sitting in the living room, the fully decorated living room. My jaw dropped and a small laugh of disbelief came out. 

"Kameron!" Beth yelled, "wondering where you were," she then saw the state of my face and her excitement turned to worry, as did all their faces. 

"No! Don't worry it's good!" I told them smiling, racing through my brain for an excuse, "Alessia got really good news, you know me," I laughed, "cry at anything."

They all seemed to buy it saying they were happy for her I saw Leah catch eyes with Katie and slowly shake her head to keep her quiet. 

I looked out of the window as I leaned against the wall and realized it was beginning to get dark, as did Jordan.

"Well, we better get going, it's getting dark," Jordan said. 

I smiled, internally thanking her, I just wanted them all to leave before everything broke through the surface again, that already felt as if it were beginning to crack. 

Starting to walk towards the door, hoping they'd follow which they did, "Thanks guys, it's all so good. I owe you big time, next week I'll take you all out for drinks on me," I said whatever I thought would get them out the door quickest. 

I gave them all a quick hug goodbye and with that, they were gone. Leaning against the wall, I slowly collapsed to the floor and sat there with my head in my hands. 

"Come on, I'll make dinner," Leah said smiling down to me.

"Jesus, Leah! You scared me," I snapped, as much I was thankful for her being there before, I just wanted everyone to go at this point, so I softened my glance and spoke kindly to her, "Leah, you should get going, it's getting dark and the roads, they'll be dangerous." 

I knew as soon as I looked in her eyes that I'd been caught, "You know I can't leave you like this," she spoke kindly but firmly. 

"Really? Le," I saw her eyes soften at her old nickname, "I won't do anything stupid, I just want to be alone right now. I just want to sleep." I practically begged as I sat there in a ball on the floor.

"It's not happening Kam, I'm not stupid. Now come on" she pulled me up and to the sofa, so she could watch me as she cooked.
I sat there on the sofa, utterly defeated in every possible way.