Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

One Stop Train

TW: themes continuing from previous chapters

Kameron's POV

I was sat in what felt like my hundredth therapy session of the week, my eyes already teary from the morning's session. It was a constant test of reliance and I'd often found it exhausting, but I felt like a stronger person from it all; not happier, but more secure within myself.

This stay had been interesting, I hadn't learnt much about myself but I felt more in tune with my mind. I'd learnt that my problems would never go away, I'd never be "cured", they'd always live within me so I just had to learn to deal with them better. I needed to learn how to keep the monsters at bay. 

The goal was to be able to stably manage things in a way which would affect my daily life as little as possible. Meaning I could continue playing at Arsenal and for England, carry on my life with Leah and achieve everything else that I'd ever dreamed for myself.

My therapist was nice, she just had no fear; she'd ask questions that gave her reactions or others would worry was going too far. Which was smart but sometimes they hit rather close to home, but that was the whole point I guess. Still, I was conflicted about therapy; none of my feelings had faded but I'd learnt to understand them better. Which may have seemed positive but at the end of the day, I still felt the same way.

"So Kameron, what is your relationship like with Leah?" Lydia, my therapist, asked.

"What do you mean? If we are dating?"

"I know you're dating, but what is it like?"

I sighed, a question that felt so simple but held a million layers, "I don't even know where to start. It's the best thing to ever happen to me."

"When did it begin?"

Yet again, another so seemingly simple question but in reality it was the opposite, "It's always be Leah. Since the very beginning."

It's true, the first memory of love I have, obviously disregarding my parents, had been with Leah. I'd known that I'd loved her before I even understood what love was; Leah was my definition of love. I'd learnt to love through Leah, that would never change.

"So you couldn't imagine life without her?"

I shook my head, "No, I would never want to."

"Yet, you tried to leave her forever?"

It's true, I'd been so caught up with the idea of getting peace that I'd left my peace. I was at a cross road as to whether I'd wished that I'd died that day or being thankful that I'd been given another chance at life. I think I was still leaning towards wishing it was all over, but at least optimistic thoughts entered my mind?

Hope was a difficult thing to me to accept, in the past it had only brought pain. So as much as I hoped life would begin to look up for me, I couldn't let myself think those thoughts because it would just hurt me even more when everything came crashing down again.
My life seemed to always rebuild itself like a stack of cards; one slight breeze and everything would fall apart.

"I did what I thought was my only option."

"What about Leah though?"

"What do you mean, what about Leah?"

"You've spoken about the guilt you felt for putting your loved ones in that pain, but we've never gone deeper into it. What about Leah, what would have happened if you weren't still here today?"

"I know Le would be devastated but I think eventually life would be easier than it was before, she wouldn't have me to deal with anymore."

"So do you think she sees you as a problem to deal with?"

"No, never, she wouldn't see it that way. But I clearly put her through a lot and I think without me, she'd feel a lot less responsibility and stress."

Leah had put her entire life on hold for me so many times and every time I told her not to, but she'd never listen. Obviously, I was so grateful for how much she cared, and I'd do the same for her in an instant, but it didn't make the guilt fade away any easier.

"So do you think Leah feels somewhat responsible for you?"

"I think in a way, yes."

"Why do you think that it?"

I thought for a few seconds, "Well it would go both ways. I feel responsible for Leah too, she's my person."

"It's interesting to see your dynamic, you're so dependent on each other."

"I think when you go through everything that we've been through together you become like that."

"So what do you think Leah will do when you get back tomorrow?"

"She'll never want to leave my side again, I think she'll find it difficult."

And that's when it hit me. 

The session ended shortly afterwards and I went back into my room, packing my things away as I was leaving tomorrow. I'd done really well, and I did feel like it had helped a little. I definitely felt stronger than I did, compared to when I entered. 

But I sat on my bed, a trail of thoughts racing through my mind. Leah was never going to leave my side again and while that sounded like a dream, it was supposed to stay that way. A dream, just a mere fantasy. 

I knew I wouldn't be back on the pitch or at training for a month at least, I'd been told that I needed to take time out which made sense, but I couldn't let Leah give it all up to look after me every minute of the day. 

I wouldn't let it happen, Leah lived for football, it's what kept her so dedicated to everything in life. I couldn't be the reason which she gave it up. She also deserved more of a life than that, Leah deserved more than someone she felt as if she'd have to babysit forever. 

I wanted Leah to have adventures all around the world, spontaneous moments with her friends, the feeling of freedom. I wanted Leah to experience everything life had to offer, and then more. But with me, she didn't have any of that. 

Leah deserved more than what I could offer her. Leah deserved more than me. 

If I could, I'd give Leah the entire world and still it wouldn't be enough, but at the moment, I couldn't even give her the idea of stability or safety. The probability was that I'd be dead in the next five years and if Leah took time off of football for me, she'd have nothing. I couldn't let that happen.

In the very back of my mind, I knew what I had to do, though it was my world's worst nightmare but morally and for my love of Leah, I had to make it a reality. I didn't care how it affected me, that was down to me to deal with but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was the reason Leah took a step back from the thing she loved most in the world.

Footballs like a one stop train - once you get off, it's challenging to get back on and especially as the England captain, you'd always be running one station behind. 

How had this happened? How was I having to consider this?

Everything in my mind felt as if it was slowly repairing itself, brick by brick, but everything in my life felt as if it were falling apart, but maybe I had to start from the bottom to build everything up again. 

But I knew no matter what, I wouldn't be responsible for Leah stepping back from football. I just couldn't let that happen, I loved her too much for that.