Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

After This

Kameron's POV

Tomorrow was the big day. 

A day that would change my life and history forever, it was the finals against Germany.

Every time I thought about it, I could feel my lungs constricting and throat parch, so I tried to treat this like any normal evening. 

Me and Georgia had swapped rooms again because Leah claimed she was an awful sleeper unless I was with her, which Georgia had agreed with, so before matches I'd stay with her. We all needed all the energy that we could get and I guess it wasn't too painful to sleep in Leah's arms.

We were just watching a movie in her bed, it was Toy Story at the moment, we both loved Disney films and as a child I had had a rather insane Toy Story obsession and my parent's house was just full of toys and books, they'd all been put into storage when my mum had died, I couldn't bring myself to throw anything away. Whenever I watched these movies, they reminded me of my dad so vividly, so it felt right watching it tonight. I knew he'd be cheering me on tomorrow. 

I could feel Leah's eyes on me, I turned to her, "Enjoying the view I see?"

She nodded, it wasn't a jokey response though, she meant it whole heartedly, "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are Kam?"

I didn't know how to respond, compliments had always made me uncomfortable and people had told me I was pretty or hot or even cute. But no one ever really called me beautiful. It wasn't a word I'd use to describe myself, it was entirely different to calling someone pretty. Beautiful had so much of a deeper meaning, almost like the person had been kissed by Aphrodite herself and blessed. Pretty always felt shallow.

Leah could see the thoughts crossing my mind, I wasn't upset but I was slightly downed by them, "Do you think you're beautiful Kam?" She asked me, digging deeper, starting to realize the extent of my own insecurities.

Did I think I was beautiful? I didn't, but it was difficult to say and admit to other people, because once they know that you judge yourself, they feel welcomed to judge you too.
I'd almost given up on my appearance, every time I looked in the mirror I was met by a new reflection. Each day, I'd meet a whole new person in my eyes. And there was always a million things I would have changed.

Alessia had told me that I was just seeing things, she'd reassure me that I looked the same every day, but I just couldn't see it.

Everyone always spoke about learning to love yourself and that was great, I wished that for all, but how was I meant to learn to love myself when everyday I saw someone new? 

Leah took my silence as a no, which would have been correct, "I think you're beautiful," she told me. It was sweet that she was trying to do this, but it really wouldn't change anything, "I love your little button nose," she tapped my nose lightly making me laugh.

"I love your dark brown eyes."

"I like your blue eyes," I told her.

"Well then, it works perfectly. We get to look in each other's forever."

That sentence could have been the death of me, my heart melted and I'm surprised my whole body didn't melt into the bed. 

I couldn't help but fall into Leah's arms as she laid us down as I stared at the ceiling, my head on her chest as she stroked her hands gently through my hair.

"You're beautiful Kam, one day I'll make sure that you see it," she spoke softly, leaving a kiss on the top of my head. 

"You're beautiful Le, you need to know that."

"I know that," she replied, confidence filling her statement. 

That's something I loved about Leah, maybe sometimes she lacked confidence in her football, but she was confident in herself as a person and I envied her for that. She seemed to have such a strong sense of who she was and what she wanted to achieve. I was happy that Leah knew she was beautiful, I mean she'd have had to be blind to not understand that. 

"How you feeling about the game tomorrow?" Leah asked me.

"Ugh," I buried my head in her chest, "I don't even want to think about it."

"You'll do amazing, you always do."

I knew my performance this Euros had been pretty successful but this match worried me, but it was the final match. The end of the Euros. I just needed to get my body through another ninety minutes of football and then I'd be satisfied. Just push for another ninety minutes, I was certainly capable.

"Yeah, it's just that this is it Le. After tomorrow, it's over."

"It's never really going to be over," she reassured me, "We'll always have these memories to look back on and everything seems to have chanced. We've created change, and that will live on forever."

"Yeah that's true, that's what we'd always wanted."

"Did you ever text Hayley's dad?"

"Yeah, but I just said that I'll sort everything out after the Euros, he understood completely and wished us luck."

"That's nice, he sounds like a nice guy."

"Yeah, he's really nice," silence then filled the room for a few moments, popping our bubble, somehow managing to bring me back to the anxious state about what the future held, "But what comes after this Le?"

She exhaled, "Well, I'll move in and we shall take it from there. We'll go back to Arsenal and start a new chapter of our lives I guess."

Leah moving in sounded great. Arsenal sounded great. But then why did the future sound so incredibly unfulfilling, we were creating history here, changing the world. And next week, I was supposed to be satisfied with training and hours of emptiness? Not that I didn't enjoy my life, I was so grateful for everything but it felt deflating to know that this would all be over. 

I'd never experience these moments again, I'd never feel those feelings again. 

I almost wished I'd never come to the tournament at all, because processing the fact that it was over was so incredibly painful and I felt selfish for those feelings. Everyone else seemed to be able to accept it, be thankful for the opportunity and most were excited to get back to their previous lives, but I felt like I'd stay here forever. I don't know how I'd ever be ready to let go.

This felt like it was it for me, this was my peak.
And to continue past your peak, you have to climb down the mountain and to me, that was far too daunting. I couldn't go back down, I wouldn't survive that climb again.