Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

Performance

The week had passed like a blur, training all went well and I was getting closer with a lot of the girls, mostly Jen and Beth though, Katie and I were also good friends. 

I'd performed really well in training so Jonas was even more eager for me to make my debut against Brighton in the game today. My augmented sense of reality had seemed to do me well in public situations, I'd somehow found a way to turn my anxiety into excitement, which just made me more fun to be around. 

I'd make everyone laugh and send jokey winks at random people in the team, I felt sort of on top of the world. 

In training, I'd run literal laps around everyone, and not to toot my own horn, but usually I was fast, but now I was almost so disconnected from my own body, that I barely recognized when I was out of breath or my muscles ached. 

No longer, did I hold the same anxiety when I spoke to people, making me more social and out going, according to everyone else I was the happiest person in the world. No one had ever seen me frown, I may not have radiated natural sunshine like Alessia did, I may have radiated something more like Harley Quinn, but that was fine. It was in my name after all and it's better than a grey, raining storm cloud. 
No one ever knew what I was going to do next, but that was the fun in being around me, I was like a rocket, going every possible direction. It was always an adventure, even just a conversation with me would leave you questioning your entire life and everything you'd thought you were sure of. 

Beth had begun to believe my tactics were working, or at the very least, she was pretending to. She would laugh along at me with everyone else, and would skip along with me when I dragged her. She'd sing along with me in the car when I drove her to and from training. 

I hadn't spoken to Leah properly since my whole meltdown, sure we'd had the occasional good morning or something in training, but no conversations. That made me happy though, it showed we could move past it and I would still feel safe. We could keep our distance.
Though, I think she could tell what I was doing, she never laughed along quite as much as the other and would end up just watching me, more like she was studying me. Whereas everyone else wanted to be surprised by whatever I did next, it felt as if she was anticipating it, incase it was destructive, and she needed to put a stop to my madness. 

I hadn't paid that much attention to her though, my brain just went on tangents every so often. 

However, at home I was numb, completely dead. It was probably the worst I had ever been mentally, I would sit there on my sofa, until eventually I'd fall asleep, my bed hadn't been slept in for days, and then wake up to my alarm and then shuffle around the house, getting ready, now I made more of an effort. 

I wasn't eating, I just couldn't stomach it, and it was beginning to take it's toll on my looks. For years, I'd looked very slender, which the press had always so very kindly decided to point out. But now my dark circles under my eyes grew more apparent, and my cheeks grew more hollow, so I'd use makeup to cover it up and make me look more alive. 

More alive, ready for the performance that was life. 

Alessia thought everything was going great because that's what I'd tell her, I'd message her every day and I watched her game a couple of days ago, beaming with pride when she scored. I'd send her snapchat videos from when we were at training, she was completely reassured. She'd completely fallen for it. 

My act had become so convincing that when around other people, I even believed it. Yes, there was the occasional moment where the world would slow down and everything was fell as if it was falling down again, like when I'd catch eye contact with Leah from across the pitch or someone would ask me a question I didn't want to answer. But I'd blink, shake it off, and get back into my performance.