Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

I Can't Do This Anymore

TW: alcohol consumption, mention of mental health problems

I slid down onto the floor beside her, she hadn't looked up yet. I wondered if she knew it was me, even if she did, maybe she didn't want to speak to me. Maybe I'd read the whole situation wrong. 

"Leah?" I whispered, not wanting to make her jump or anything.

She looked up at me, her eyes just staring into mine, then her head fell back into her hands. I'd only seen her like this a couple of times in the past before, she was normally so strong and composed, I didn't quite know what to do. 

I figured that I'd let speak in her own time, or just hopefully be a place of comfort if she never felt like talking. It was on her terms.  

"I can't do this anymore," her voice broke. 

"Do what?" In those moments I was completely sober. 

"Us pretending like we don't know each other," she looked back up at me, her face full of defeat, her eyes were sorrowful and there was a slight quiver in her jaw. 

Not knowing what to say, I just looked back at her, I didn't know how this was supposed to work. Part of me thought things were better this way, I couldn't get hurt again, it was safer. We were civil and that was okay. 
The other part of me was screaming at me, telling me that she was right, that we needed each other. 

But if that were true, why did she leave in the first place?

Leah's jaw became still and the fire came back to her eyes, her voice moments ago was weak and hopeless, now it was stronger, more defiant, "I know you Kameron! And I have known you all this time. You don't think that every time someone posted a picture, I studied it to see if you were getting better. Every time you played a match, I watched the highlights. Every time we were in the same room, I just wanted to come over and apologize."

"Leah, you left. You said it was too much, and you left," I argued back, I wasn't going to accept this twenty second speech and forget about the years of hurt, I had more self respect than that. 

"I didn't know what to do Kameron! What was I supposed to do, just sit there and watch you kill yourself? I tried everything," tears now began to stream down her face. 

"Leah, I never asked for you to make me better, I'm not going to get better. It's never going to happen," I could feel the tears pricking my eyes now, the roughness come to my throat. 

"But when someone you love is hurting, you make it your responsibility to help them, how can't you understand that?"

This annoyed me, how was she now turning this back onto me, I'd never had any expectations of her to help me, but I had expected her to stay. Her to stand by me, no matter what, because that's what she promised. And how foolish I was, to believe her promises. 

"So this is my fault?" I shifted away from her, not quite sure where she was going to take this.

"No, it's mine," Leah admitted.

I still felt as if this were too easy, there was still to much left to explain and nothing she ever said was going to excuse what she did. 

"Leah you broke me," I spoke, staring into the oblivion, not wanting to look at the girl, I once so deeply loved, "I don't think you understand that."

"But I wasn't helping you in the first place Kam, you were getting worse."

"You can't say you left to help me!" I defended myself, "you left to protect yourself from whatever you thought was happening, you said you would rather loose me this way than another. How can you say that? You left." I repeated to her once again, wanting to get the point across that this was all her choice. 

"I know I said it wrong back then," I just laughed in response, her saying it 'wrong' was the understatement of the century, the fact Leah left, was awful. The words she used and how she phrased it, made the situation one hundred times more painful.

"Well then how did you want to say it, Leah?" I tested her, maybe she could use her words more wisely now. 

She huffed, her head falling back into her hands, "I don't know, I never went into the conversation to end it. I thought it was just a break."

"Leah, you used the world 'leave' about five hundred times and then never spoke to me afterwards, what part about that said 'just a break'?"

"I didn't think you'd want to speak to me."

"Yeah, well you were right," I spoke to her in a softer tone now, wanting to get my point across, "Leah, you don't leave people you love."

It was a point she couldn't argue with, we both knew I was right. 

"You didn't love me Leah," I said looking at the floor, the tears welling in my ears once again. 

I was so thankful we were facing away from the party, I didn't want the team to see me like this, I was the fun one. I needed to keep being the fun one. After all, if I wasn't fun, what did I have left?

"You know I loved you," Leah replied, the tears coming once again, "I loved you too much, if anything." 

"Then what went through your head to make you leave? I begged you to stay Leah, and you still walked out." 

"It was selfish," she admitted, "I just couldn't be there when it happened."

"Oh," I was slightly taken aback, but it wouldn't have been the first time Leah had surprised me, "so you really had no hope left in me?"

"Come on, Kam. Everyone thought it was going to happen," she gently hit her head against the glass, admitting what no one had ever had to courage to say to me.

"Okay, well if I were to forgive you. What would happen?" I asked, curious as to what she was actually expecting out of this. 

"I want you to know you have me again, I'm here," she almost pleaded, "I just want to be around you again, let me make it up to you."

"I'm doing good at the moment," I stated, not wanting to give into her immediately.

Leah scoffed, "the little act might be fooling everyone, but not me," she shook her head, "I know you Kam, I know you better than anyone else here."

She was right, I just needed a minute, a minute just to think. I sat there looking at the floor then looked to Leah and gave her a small smile, I held out my hand for her to take, which she did, her smile only growing. 

"Friends?" I asked.

"Friends," she confirmed.