Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

Death Was Peace

Kameron's POV

As I fell apart in Leah's arms, it felt as if I had to break apart now to have a chance gluing the shattered pieces back together.
I had to fall apart, to even try building myself back up.

I'd have loved to agree with Leah, fulfill all her hopes and so confidently give it one final chance, but I wasn't sure if I had it in me, I was doubtful that I did.
Getting back up again when shot is a challenge, coming back from the dead is a very different one, and that is what I was currently facing, to say I was wounded would be an understatement. I was dead, truly dead. 

Somehow though my heart had continued pulsing and my lungs had kept me breathing, maybe that was a sign in itself, that there was something left. If I was truly meant to die, my body would have packed up altogether, maybe I owed it to myself to do what Leah said, give it one final chance. 

No, though. I'd done this before. Not even a year ago, I'd told myself one final chance, I'd regretted that decision and it had gotten me nowhere but in the darkest cloud I'd ever been, it was a place I'd only assume was worse than hell, and one where everything living, died. The color was sucked out of life and the sadness was constant. 

And I'd tried so hard, I'd do whatever I could to escape the sadness and normally it didn't work, as I spent most my nights crying myself to sleep and sat alone, doing nothing but spending time with my thoughts but sometimes, on the odd occasion it worked. Sometimes I could outrun it. I'd drink a bottle of vodka, I'd kiss a stranger, I'd go slowly mad, I'd do just about anything to outrun it because sadness when there is no escape, is impossible to live with. I'd try and avoid it like the plague, and if that analogy were true, I'd be deathly sick. And in a way I am, because I have forever to spend with myself, and I seem to be a very sad person. 

It was so much easier to just shut everything out, all the noise, all the thoughts, all the people. Anything should go that meant something to me, because those are the things cut the deepest. The absence of my mind created safety, if nothing entered, nothing could hurt. 

In my mind, life was a war and death was peace.

And who didn't want peace when war was so terribly painful, who wouldn't pull the trigger, not on their enemy, but on themself?

I'd created a fantasy of death in my mind, it would feel like being carried from the car to your bedroom as a child as you pretended to sleep. There's a faint light, nothing blinding or startling though, and you'd hear muffled conversations in the background. I thought it would feel like finally returning home, like you'd finally been laid to rest. I thought it would feel like the most comforting thing you could ever have imagined, like when you wake up in your bed on a good day, the duvet is warm and your bed has never felt so cozy. Everything in my mind would be at peace and quieter. I'd be at peace, more than I ever was in this life. 

"Kam?" Leah questioned, I'm not certain how long I'd been alone in my thoughts for, but I was pulled out of them by Leah's voice, "We're going to do this okay?"

"Do what?" I looked up, finally now looking her in the eye and what a mistake it was. Leah's deep, blue eyes were full of hurt and worry, like the glass could smash at any moment and the tears would ricochet.

"Try," she quietly spoke, not pulling her eyes away from mine.

In those moments, I felt that I had something to live for, not that I was suddenly cured or going to get up and become the life of every party. But I'd agree to trying, I wouldn't put up a fight. I'd leave my life in Leah's hands, follow her lead and see where it took me. Maybe she was right, maybe everything would be different this time. 

I highly doubted it, but when I looked in her eyes, I couldn't say no, I just had to agree with what she said, I was so highly intoxicated by her that at the time, I'd follow her down any path as long as she kept ahold of my hand, guiding me through it all. 

I nodded, not an overly enthusiastic nod, but it was enough to make her smile, returning the familiar glint to her eye, to get up and pull me with her. 

We both knew I was still in the hole, I had no energy and no real will to live, it was all just a momentary fix, some would argue that alcohol was probably more effective but somehow, I don't think Leah would have settled with that answer. 

As soon as I was up, I felt the world fall, it was down again. I was down again. But I'd never truly come up, somehow though I had trust in Leah to help me pull it up, bit by bit. However for now, I seemed to be completely useless again, just like a pile of bones with a mind of storms. 

"We need to get you changed," Leah said, noticing the shivers radiating off my body, the cold affected me so much more now, I'd lost my layers of insulation and was left with just bones, it wasn't a comfortable experience. 

Leah walked quickly into the room, flicking through the drawers, leaving the bathroom door open and looking towards me every two seconds, scared to turn her back. Not that I was going to do anything in those moments, I was sat in the floor, hugging my knees, slowly rocking back and forth. My mind and body were too disconnected to work together to move except from my natural anxiety responses, she didn't have to worry about that for now. 

Not even thirty seconds later, she walked back in, her anxiety contorted face seeming to rest slightly as she was back next to me, she brought some warm pajamas.

"We need to stop you shaking," Leah stated, reaching for a towel from the radiator, handing it towards me, for a few seconds expecting me to take it, and then remembering what she was dealing with. She was dealing with a person unable to move, every word that came out of my mouth was a miracle, one I was surprised with every time. But at the moment, the movements weren't coming, my head somewhat worked, I assumed my body did too. But they wouldn't join up. 

Leah bent down next to me, drying off my hair, doing her best to be gentle, keeping a hand on my shoulder to keep my stable, she then looked somewhat uncomfortably at the clothes beside her.

"Kam," she said, scratching the back of her neck, clearly not knowing what to do, "we kind of need to get you changed."

"It's fine Le," I told her quietly, the mental process of speaking even being difficult. 

Leah nodded, now she wasn't uncomfortable, just as if she was trying to be gentle and not scare me, she pulled me up to sitting on the toilet, dragging the joggers off my legs and replacing them with the pajama bottoms and then pulling my hoodie over my head. Leah then pulled my undershirt off, making me slightly anxious, not because I was sitting in front of her in a sport bra, that didn't bother me. That was common, every gym session or training in summer, it was the fact my arms were out, I knew she'd seen them, she did her best to hide the hitching in her throat, but I still noticed. Saying nothing, she pulled on the jumper and then socks to my feet. 

Yet again, she quickly ran a towel through my hair, "I'm going to plait your hair, okay?" she told me, putting me back on the floor again as she sat behind me, gently braiding my hair into two French plaits. I could tell she was trying to be gentle, but I could barely feel my head so she needn't bother. 

"There you go, all done," she told me, quickly drying herself off and getting changed, then she carried me back to the bed, putting me under the covers and pulling them over me, she went to walk away, probably only to the other bed, I doubted she'd leave me like this, but the panic grew in my throat. 

"Leah," I quietly called.

"Yeah? What is it?" She anxiously asked, her eyes darting back and forth, reading my face for answers.

"Can you stay with me?"

"Yeah, course," she cautiously climbed into the bed beside me, her arm moving around my shoulders, pulling me into her body, it was nice. Not only the familiar feeling of home but her body heat slowed down my shakes. 

I just closed my eyes, this time not to block everything out, but to sleep, to rest. Hoping, tomorrow would be slightly easier, that I could connect my head and body, that I could make Leah proud. 

That Leah would be proved right, this time would be different.