Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

Both My Savior and Kryptonite

TW: mentions of breakdowns

Just over a week had passed since the party, the meeting that afternoon had been pretty calm, considering everyone except from Leah and I, turned up with sunglasses on and tried to avoid any noise as much as possible.

Jonas had just found it funny, it meant we listened more than usual as well to be fair, so it worked out in his favor.

The following two days we had off, Beth had invited me out with her but I was exhausted, the constant performance and eat habits were taking their toll on me. I didn't move out of bed for those two days and ignored everyone except from Alessia because I didn't want her to worry. 

It well and truly felt like I was drowning but then I look back, and I can't ever remember a time when I was comfortably swimming above the surface. I was tired, tired of myself, tired of life. Tired of everything. There's only so long I could handle things for, and I think I was getting to my limit. 

That weekend we had a game against Aston Villa, which were a rather strong side. We won 3-1, I scored two of the goals and then Viv scored the other. Jonas was very pleased with my performance and I felt I was making a mark within the team. 

After all that's all anyone wants, a legacy. When I go, I want people to remember that I was here, that Kameron Quinn tried pretty, bloody hard. 

Though, after the game I was absolutely exhausted and collapsed as soon as I got home, during half time, I just sat there begging my body to make it through the next forty-five minutes, which luckily it did, just about. 

At this point, I was worried the coaches would begin to notice the weight I was rapidly loosing, if it came down to it, I'd try and excuse it to stress from a new environment, but no one had brought it up yet. 

I tried hiding in baggy clothes much as possible, so games were the only times I had to wear shorts, and I always wore a long sleeved under-shirt anyway. 

I was still the crazy Quinn everyone had put me up to be around the team, running around, making everyone laugh, seeming as if I were on top of the whole world. 

Leah and I would smile at each other now, have little conversations, here and there, but nothing major. We were just friends, friends with some history.

One night, Katie came over, I really enjoyed her company and she'd wanted to come and visit for a little while. We were sitting on the sofa, watching TV when she suddenly turned down the volume and looked at me. 

"So," she started, already making my nerves rise, "what's the whole deal with you and Leah. You've got to tell me, you can't leave me in anticipation forever."

I deliberated this for a few seconds, but I sort of wanted a fresh pair of eyes on the subject, someone that knew both me and Leah well. I needed some good, old McCabe advice, so I decided to tell her. To tell her everything

"Okay to understand this though, you've got to know I wasn't in a good place mentally. You probably heard about the players saying 'Quinn's Craziness?" she just nodded, "yeah, so it was around that time and I was in dark places," I explained, ready to start the actual story. 

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flashback to the argument

There was a knock on my hotel room's door, we were playing an away match for the lionesses in Germany, in 2018. 

My eyes were all red and bloodshot, my hair was in an utter mess of French plaits, but at this point I didn't care, I opened up the door to find Leah, in a much similar state to I. Her eyes were red, the once bright blue, now faded to more of a grey.