Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

New Mindset

Jumping out the car, with a new pretend lease of life, I ran over to Beth who was just getting out of her car. 

"Hey," she said greeting me with a smile.

"Hey," I replied, wrapping my arms around her.

"Someone's happy," she pulled away and looked me in the eyes, trying to figure out what was happening, "Something happen yesterday with a certain someone?"

"What," I laughed.

"Leah," she almost whispered, as a massive grin reached her face.

"What, no!"

"You guys were in that room for a while and I noticed she didn't leave with the rest of us."

"Nah, it was nothing," I assured her, "she just wanted to finish painting that stupid wall."

"Okay, well if you say so," I could tell she didn't believe me. 

"We better get going," I said snaking our arms together and making her skip with me to the glass entry doors, Beth just laughed as I dragged her along, "can't be late to the first meeting."

Beth lead the way to the team meeting room, which looked somewhat like a small university lecturing room, with wooden tiered seating and a interactive white board at the front. 

I'd never been to university, I'd barely passed my GCSEs so it was clear education wasn't quite for me, so this was the first I'd ever seen a room like this in person. 

Jen waved us over to her, so I sat in-between her and Beth at the back from where we could watch everyone enter and be in our own little world. 

"So how do these things work?" I asked them, bouncing my legs from a mixture of excitement, I was beginning to believe was real, and anxiety. 

"Jonas and the team come in, explain the next fixture, or anything important coming up and then we get to ask any questions and we sort of just go over tactics," Jen replied, "then Leah normally gives some sort of speech."

"She takes her job as captain pretty seriously, hey?" I asked. 

"Yeah, she's good though. Really good." Jen responded.

"But it's simple," Beth explained, "Jonas tries to make it interactive, everyone talks it's a proper team meeting."

I nodded, it all sounded good. We, of course, had team meetings at Manchester United but they were more structured and less interactive, everyone here at Arsenal seemed so intertwined and like everyone's opinions were valued, it was all very nice. 

Beth, Jen and I were just talking about random topics and then I saw her walk in, I saw the blonde ponytail and I darted my eyes to anywhere but her. Why were my eyes so drawn to her? Out of anyone here, they had to pick her. 

I felt like a small, yappy Jack Russel who can't control their excitement on a walk, as my anxiety heightened and I felt the dull ache in my heart again. The worse the anxiety got, the further I pushed myself into this fake mindset of circles and deranged sense of reality. 

For a split second, I looked to the front, to Leah. She was looking back at me, as soon as I realized this, I broke the eye contact. She was not good for me. She was bad, very bad. Had to avoid her. The thoughts came rushing like a tsunami wave. I just sighed and gently banged my head against the wall behind me.  

Jonas walked in and the meeting started, Beth was right, it was all very interactive. We were told that next week we were playing Brighton, which should be an easy game. Much to my surprise, Jonas wanted to put me in the starting line up, as center forward, which was my preferred position. 

I was excited, my first ever game for Arsenal, it was my debut. I had to make it count, I had to prove myself. 

At this point, my mind was so into overdrive that I was practically shaking out of my seat, it was like I was getting closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. I couldn't sit still. Beth had seen this happen before, she just put her arm around my shoulder as to keep me still for the final five minutes of the meeting. 

I was tapping my fingers along to the beat of a song along my legs, I'd never heard the song before but it was so oddly familiar that I knew it must be real. I just couldn't place it. 

Jonas had finished his piece, the few questions had been asked and Leah got up and walked to the front. She cleared her throat and looked to us all, Jen was right, Leah was good at this, she seemed so confident in her presence at the front. 

"So guys, last year we did well, this time we should do even better. We've got a strong team, I know we can do it, we just need to stay focused and not get ahead of ourselves. We've got Kameron as a new transfer," my breath hitched, I was somewhat surprised she'd mentioned me, "I think she'll be a great asset to the team, so all welcome her. And let's just take it one step at a time. First step, it beating Brighton." Everyone started clapping and cheering, Leah stood at the front and laughed, shaking her head. 

The team seemed to have great spirit, everyone knew they had to work hard. Everyone wanted to work hard. Yet they didn't to feel the copious amounts of pressure I was used to. 

Everyone began to leave, some people were going home, some to train in the gym. Beth looked to me, I looked back at her, knowing she was going to want to talk. 

"Come on, let's go to the café," she said and I followed her out, giving Jen a quick wave and wink as I left, making her laugh. 

There was a lovely little café on site, I knew from the girl's Instagram's, people spent a lot of time there. 

Beth and I sat at a table, next to the window, overlooking the training ground. 

"So," she started, I tried to avoid eye contact, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head and rolling my eyes. 

"Come on Kam, I know you. Something's going on."

"Okay," I decided to trust her, after all it was Beth, she'd never broken my trust in the past, "yesterday, I don't know why but I had one of those stupid meltdowns, Leah helped, she stayed the night and then just left this morning before I even woke up. Now everything just feels strange but I figured that if I just created a whole new mindset for myself, maybe I'll end up believing it," I ended up being rather out of breath, from how fast I'd blurted that all out.

Beth just nodded, not quite knowing what to address first, "Do you really think that's going to work?"

"I don't know," I replied honestly, "But it's worth trying I think."

"Have you told Alessia about any of this?"

"No," I was aware everyone knew Alessia and I were close, but it annoyed me how everyone's first response was Alessia, she had her own life. She had a life three hours away. I needed to let her live it, I didn't want to fill her with worry and stress over things she could do nothing about. 

"I'm not going to," I stated.

"What are you going to do about Leah now?"

"I'm going to avoid her, she left again. Last night was just an obligation."

"I think she cares Kameron," Beth reasoned, she'd always tried to see the good in people. 

"She can't, and even if she does, I can't deal with it all. I can't deal with her."

"Okay, well I think you have to be careful, you can only push yourself so far before you break."

I knew she was right, but at this point, I had no other options, I couldn't retire for my bed for a month, I needed to keep going and pushing through. 

"This is how it's going to be Beth," I told her, not too harsh, but in a way she couldn't reason with.

Beth nodded, looking down at the table, knowing she either had to give up, or just follow me along the ride, "Want anything?" She asked, getting up.

"No, I'm good. Big breakfast," I laughed, returning to the giddy state of life I'd drawn up for myself.