Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

It Was Home

A week had passed, and it was now media day at Arsenal so I was slightly anxious about the cameras and if they'd pick up my loss of weight, but I was excited for the videos themselves, it was another chance to connect further to the fans and raise awareness of women's football. 

We had to wear our classic, red home shirts, so I put that on, over my undershirt and then my training joggers, which my legs now got lost in, so I put a pair of thick leggings on first in the hopes that they would make the joggers look more bulky. 

Now realizing how early I had gotten up, I sat on the stool in my wardrobe, my legs crossed but somehow still shaking, my anxiety increasing every second, every thought that crossed my mind, practically with every breath I took. 
Life began to implode on me, today was the least of my worries. What if my health got in the way, and I didn't get to play in the Euros? It was a home tournament, something we'd been waiting years for, this opportunity only came around once in a player's life. I couldn't miss it. What if things never got better? I couldn't live like this forever, every single day was like a battlefield but one I was hiding from everyone else around me. 

My breathing began to race and my heart beat so fast, I wasn't sure if my body could keep up with it, it almost hurt. It felt as if my stomach dropped down fifty floors and my whole body shook, uncontrollable shivers. The faster my breathing became, the drier my throat grew and the lighter my head became, the room almost starting to spin. 

The thoughts were all too much, I did the only thing I knew would take the stress of, I moved to the kitchen and reached for the bottle. Well not the bottle, I was a few bottles in by this point, I knew it wasn't great. I put empty ones under the sink, I was scared if I put them in the bin, someone would see them. It wasn't good at all, but I was smart with it. Of course, I'd never turn up to training intoxicated, or anything else important. But I figured this would only make me more fun on camera and if I didn't take those few shots, I don't think I could have even faced anyone else today. 

Already I was feeling better, just knowing that at some point the drink would kick in, my phone pinged, it was Beth saying that she was here to pick me up. I took a few deep breaths, put on my smile and walked out of the door. 

"Hey," I grinned at her, as I climbed in the passenger side.

"Someone's happy today," Beth began driving.

"I'm always happy," I carelessly shrugged, and somehow in those moments, I believed it, it was as if when I got outside, I forgot how I truly felt most of the time. 

Beth huffed, "That you are."

The journey seemed to speed by with meaningless yet entertaining conversations, Beth and I could talk about anything for hours, no matter how boring it seemed, we always were able to go on these long tangents about it and go down these rabbit holes. It was always very entertaining. 

We pulled up to the building and went in, meeting a few of the other girls who'd already arrived. Then someone from the media team pulled us to the side, one by one, explaining what we'd be doing that day. 

"So," he explained to me, looking to his clipboard, "You're first interview is with Beth and Jen, the fans love your dynamic. It's 'who's most likely to'," I nodded, that sounded like fun, when us three were together we always had a lot of laughs.

"Then you have a solo interview, just about things and life in general. Then you have an interview with Leah, who knows each other better." It all sounded okay, I wasn't looking forward to the solo interview but my mindset had always been, we are here to inspire the next generation of girls, having attention drawn to you is part of that responsibility. If you couldn't accept that, then you shouldn't be a footballer.