Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

A Beautiful Soul

TW: suicide attempts, mental health issues

No One's POV (3rd person)

"It's somewhat foggy most of it," Kameron recollected, "But there's one memory so distinct that as much as I try to move on or push it back, it continues to come up in my mind." There was a pause, almost building up the anticipation, or more so the fear in how damaging this moment seemed. "It was quite soon after I'd woken up and I was still out of until Leah came in and everything sunk in and I just broke down completely. There was such immense guilt and Leah was being so good but that almost made me feel worse. I wanted out of my mind, I'd wanted forever with Leah, so the question always comes back to me; did I want out of life? But that's straying from the memory. I think, strange as it sounds, it took me until I was lying with Leah to realize that the attempt hadn't worked and I was still alive, nothing had gotten better and if anything, it was all so much worse."

Alex nodded softly along, "Why was it all so much worse?"

"Well I was then in a situation where first of all I now had professionals hugely involved which was terrifying at the time, but now I'm obviously glad I got help. And also I knew a lot of my friends had taken time out and made great efforts to be there which I'm endlessly grateful for because I don't think I'd still be here without them but I think I was almost ashamed."

"What were you ashamed of Kameron?"

Kameron took a moment to think, brushing her hair behind forward onto her shoulders with shaking hands, "I want to phrase this carefully because I want everyone to know that taking or trying to take your own life is not a selfish act. And if anyone's saying this, they clearly don't have the right to be talking about the subject in those ways. Never let others make you feel selfish if you're in a similar situation."

"You're completely right," Alex agreed.

"But I think personally, for me, I knew all my friends wanted to be there to support me because I know how loving and caring they all are to me but I felt bad for putting them through that panic, the travelling for most of them and I felt like my actions had put a pause to their lives. Similarly, but also on a complete flipside, I was completely overwhelmed by the love that surrounded me and maybe in my mind I'd have rather stayed in a dark hospital room alone, but that love and support was the thing to get me through those times. I have my loved ones to thank for my life."

Leah now sat in the chair, her hand brushing against her lips as she looked to Alex, awaiting her next question, "Kameron was talking about the first time you went to see her after she woke up, can you explain your side to that story?"

Leah nodded, seeming composed to begin with, "It was so heartbreaking yet I was so relieved," she chocked out, taking a breath and then continuing to talk, "I went in there and I just saw Kam's eyes and my heart broke yet mended all at once, it was such conflicting emotions. Obviously most of all, I was so relieved she'd live but she broke down in my arms about 'it' not working and that was devastating to see. I guess you go in there, praying they're going to be so thankful to still be alive and I've seen first hand that that's not always the case. And at the same time, holding her there in my arms, was so overwhelming for me because I still had the memory of her almost dead body, unresponsive in my lap. I was so happy and just thankful that I had my girl back yet her pain was still there and I just wanted to take it all away, so how could I be truly happy in those moments?" Leah nodded to herself, wiping her eyes, "I'd do anything to take her pain away."

Kameron now sat in front of the camera again, "What was the process like after you got out of the ward?" Alex asked.

"Well I went into a psychiatric unit and I remember being so scared and beforehand I did not want to go at all, but I didn't have a choice. So I held it together and said my goodbyes to all of my loved ones and then there was just Leah left and that's when I broke down a little. I remember telling her I didn't want to go and I didn't want to leave her."