Stand By Me - Leah Williamson

My Earth Angel

TW: themes from previous chapters continuing 

Kameron's POV

I had so badly wanted it to work and yet it hadn't. Though I was so sure it would have, I felt the fading of everything around me, I'd thought of my final thoughts. Yet I was back, I was back in reality and I hated it so terribly yet a small voice in the back of my mind, almost too weak to even make out, was relieved. Relieved to be back in Leah's arms, the only place on this earth that truly felt like home. 

She'd stayed for the entire afternoon, just stroking her hands through my hair. Leah's presence somehow calmed my entire body, somehow just knowing we'd be forever joined made life have half a reason to live.

But I knew I needed to learn to live for myself, not that I even wanted to live, but living for another person never worked. It was unfulfilling and a scary head space to be in. It was like constantly walking on a tight rope, but one with no end. It was a destined failure.

Just before dinner, everyone else had come in to visit. I'm surprised that many people even cared to put themselves to this trouble; Keira, Lucy and Ingrid all got flights from Barcelona for me.

Alessia had come in alone before all of them, though I couldn't look her in the eyes, I hadn't even given her so much as a goodbye, she was my best friend and I hadn't even said a farewell. She didn't care though she was just happy to see me alive. Alessia was the sweetest soul I'd ever met and knowing I'd hurt her, pained me. 

The guilt I felt for putting everyone through this pain and stress was unimaginable, they all looked so tired. I didn't know what to say to any of them. 

When you survive a suicide attempt, everyone expects you for some reason to be relieved and happy to be given another chance at life so to speak, they expect everyone who's attempted to immediately have regretted it. Wake up with a new found respect for life. But the moments when I felt myself slipping away from life, had been the most peaceful I'd ever experienced, I wanted to go back to those minutes.

When I'd woken up in the hospital bed my whole world had sunk and drowned, I was so annoyed that it hadn't worked. I wanted to scream and throw my head through a brick wall, but I hadn't the energy, so I'd sat there and cried, doctors trying to pry me away from the fetal position I'd curled up in. But all I wanted in those moments was Leah, she's the only one who'd ever made the thoughts quieter, she's the only one who ever brought me a sense of peace.

So when I'd seen her walk in, my whole body stopped functioning for a few seconds, she was my earth angel, I'd never expected to see her again. When I'd had that final image of her in my mind as the world slipped through my fingers, I thought that would be it. But she was there, her arms around my waist and then her words making everything sound simple again. 

Life still seemed like something I'd rather opt out of but it seemed I didn't have much of a choice at the moment, I had to do what I was told and I wanted to get out of the hospitals the second I could, so I was going to do whatever they wanted me to. I'd be the perfect patient from now on because these bright white walls were already beginning to close in on me.

That night, the doctors had come in, bringing the psychiatrist, a woman about thirty years old, she seemed rather happy and content with life considering the people she probably dealt with on a daily basis. 

She pulled a chair up to my bed, folder in hand, "Hello Miss Quinn, I'm Stacey and I'll be your psychiatrist and today we'll do your evaluation."

I sent her a small smile, "Call me Kameron please."

"Okay Kameron, let's begin."

For the next hour, Stacey asked me so many questions that just seemed so stupid and most of them irrelevant. I had to hold myself back from rolling my eyes and scoffing every ten seconds, I wasn't in a patient mood. Exhaustion rippled through my entire body joined by the sense of failure and zero amounts of hope, it wasn't a great mix.

After we'd finished she looked up at me, sighing, "So, we are going to keep you here under our care for a week or so, depending on the progress you've made, in the psychiatric ward. Do you want to go and say goodbye to your visitors and then we'll move your stuff up."

"What stuff?" I asked, knowing I hadn't exactly been in the state to pack a hospital bag before popping into the ambulance.

"Your friends brought it all," she explained, "Do you want to go and see them?"

I nodded as she led me to the room where people waited, walking in I saw everyone and explained to them the plan, which they all nodded at. I think they were all glad that I was getting help, like serious, professional help. 

"Kammy," Ingrid gave me a hug, "Lucy's letting me stay in her apartment in London for a bit so I'll be here when you get out, okay?"

"What? Don't be silly," It was kind of Ingrid but she didn't have to do that for me, "What about Barcelona?"

"I got injured in one of the training sessions, a stay in London will do me some good."

I nodded, "I'm sorry, if you need anything Leah will be there."

"I love you Kammy," she brought her arms around me once again, "You've got this okay?"

I nodded, "Love you Ingrid."

I'd said my goodbyes to everyone else until Leah was the only person remaining in the room with me, the only person I could be truly vulnerable with. 

She walked over to me as my eyes began to glass over, "It's going to be okay Kam," She pulled me into her chest.

"I don't want to go though," I cried. 

The truth was that I was terrified, I didn't know who these people were, I didn't trust them. The only thing I wanted, was to stay with Leah, she was the only person who knew how to make me feel like I had a chance of life.

My head was begging for her to wrap me up in her arms and take me home, no matter the hospital's argument. But I knew she wouldn't do that, she was set on doing everything the 'proper' way this time and I understood why; last time when she'd taken the lead it had led to this, though none of it was her fault, I'd have felt somewhat responsible if I were in her shoes.

"It will be good for you and I'll see you soon," She reassured me, kissing the top of my head, "It will only be a week or so."

"But I don't want to miss you."

I knew these words were slightly contradictory as I'd just tried to leave Leah forever and I knew that she'd been put through the emotional torture of thinking she'd have to miss me forever, so these words may have been slightly unfair. But, I wasn't thinking straight.

"I promise you'll see me soon."

"Kameron, we should get going now," Stacey spoke from behind us.

The dreaded feeling of Leah's arms letting go of me happened, I looked up at her, "You're going to get through this Kam," she told me.

"I love you Le, I'm sorry."

She gently shook her head, "Never be sorry. But you have to go now."

I quickly brought my lips to her, "I love you Le, see you soon," the tears still fell down my face.

"I love you more Kam, I'll be here when you leave."