✨It Doesn't Even Matter✨

Scuba Aruba

The Women's Restroom (JFK) (Mariska's Perspective)
I saw Allie rush into the bathroom from the corner of my eye and I knew something was off. I'd been feeling it for a couple of days really, that something was wrong with my ladybug.
"Allie, you okay?" I saw her wiping her tears.
"I feel overwhelmed like I'm feeling so many things and it's a lot. I haven't felt like this in a while."
"It's normal to feel overwhelmed sweetie, what does your therapist say to do when you feel this way? Would you like to talk about it?"
"To take a walk, listen to music, write in my journal. I do those things, but that's when I can feel it coming, this time it was out of nowhere. Does this mean that the meds aren't working?" She asked innocently. Oh, dear...
"No that's not it, you just had all these emotions, which is perfectly okay, and you cried. Crying is normal and it helps us feel better."
"I don't like crying and...acting out anymore. I shouldn't cry."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, the point of the meds and therapy is to make me not have outbursts and cry, so I shouldn't."
"Allie, that isn't it." I put my hands on her shoulders.
"Then what is it, Mama? Part of me feels like you guys only wanted me on it so I could be some emotionless robot, a-and I'm not mad at you for that. I put you guys through so much, cost you guys a lot of money-" Her eyes started to well up with tears.
"Allie....where is all of this coming from, honey? We don't want you to be an emotionless robot, the medication is to-"
"Flight 1057 to Aruba will begin boarding in 5 minutes."
"Me and you are going to have a chat about this later, okay?" Allie left the bathroom swiftly and I sighed.
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Queen Beatrix International (6:25 AM)
"Daddy!"
"Hey guys, how are you?!? You guys are growing on me."
"We're awesome! Dad, we literally have so much to tell you." Andrew said. Peter cuddled Amaya shortly before coming over to me.
"Missed you, babe." He whispered.
"Missed you too." I gave him a quick kiss. August hugged Peter as well.
"Allie-" I signaled to Peter to let it go. Allie sighed and started to walk toward our rental car.
"Please can we just have one good family vacay?!?" Amaya asked.
"You're always upset for literally no reason. Like at this point, you just like being miserable."
"And you just like being a brat. You don't know anything about what I've been through which is why you say stupid stuff like that. How about you show the compassion that Mom and Dad have taught you instead of whining-"
"I'm not a brat!"
"Girls, enough. Get in the car, I don't wanna hear a peep out of either of you."
"But Mom-"
"The car. Now." Peter and I looked at each other. Peace is hard to get in the Hargitay-Hermann household.
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The Ritz Aruba (Allie's Perspective)
Life fucking sucks. My boyfriend's mad at me, my sister thinks that I enjoy being miserable and that I'm faking my feelings. I did it. I finally managed to upset and make people who love me most lose faith in me. It's not a good feeling. It stings, worse than any bee sting. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red, seeing how ugly I looked honest to god just made me want to cry more.
"Allie, can you open the door? I just wanna talk."
"Go awa- Please give me some privacy, Mama." I don't wanna lose yet another person.
"Bug, you've been in the bathroom for hours now. Plus, you haven't taken your meds yet today." Jesus fucking Christ, seriously she's thinking about those meds right now.
"Seriously, Mama! The meds don't matter right now. I'm miserable and sad and you just care about making me feel like some zombie. That's all you ever wanted, huh?" I cried silently.
"That's why Amaya hates me because I have too many emotions. Everyone hates me."
"Allison Maya Hargitay-Hermann. You couldn't be any further from the truth. Honey, we all love and care about you more than you could ever imagine. You're on medication my ladybug, because you're depressed, and you have ADHD. When you combine those two things, your symptoms are exacerbated. That's why for years you've been moody and irritable, this is not about controlling you. It's about what's best for you." She wiped my tears.
"But it's my fault."
"No sweetheart, it isn't. It isn't your fault, my fault, Daddy's, or anyone else's but your brother's and the ever-so-tiny chemicals in your brain. You need to be kinder to yourself honey. This isn't your fault."
"But I made everyone sad."
"Sweetie, sometimes people lose patience and get upset with each other, but it's out of love. Okay? Amaya doesn't hate you, she just wants you to be okay, but she doesn't quite understand the intricacies of your trauma, and that healing isn't linear." I nodded.
"Daddy and I will talk to My-My about it. Kay?"
"I think I should talk to her too, so she can hear something from me as well."
"I think that's a fantastic idea. Now, let's say we take our meds, and try to go up from here?"
"Sounds good."
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The Beach (The Next Day)
Mom and Dad decided to sign the 6 of us up for snorkeling right at the beach off the hotel. I'm nervous, but also excited. I've usually opted out of these sorts of water activities...usually, I was in a bad mood (thanks to not being on meds). The littles have never done this before since they were pretty young the last time we had the chance to do this, so this was looking like a fun activity for everyone.
"Alright everyone, here's your gear." The guide said. He explained that we were all going to start in some shallow waters and look at some fish, and some other wildlife.
"So the water isn't deep?" Andrew asked.
"Not at all!"
"And there are no sharks...." He said, his voice starting to sound skeptical.
"It's okay, Andy. The sharks wouldn't come here, and if there were sharks, this whole operation would have to be shut down."
"Alright, you better be right." He said while pointing his finger in my face. I rolled my eyes playfully. Amaya still isn't talking to me. I don't know if it's because she's mad at me or because Mom and Dad scolded her. I guess time will tell.
"Well, with that being said, let's snorkel!"
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Snorkeling 🤿 (Aruba) (Amaya's Perspective)
I like snorkeling. It's peaceful. My life isn't right now, or it isn't as peaceful as it usually is. If my life were peaceful, I'd be snorkeling with my older sister, talking to her, laughing. But I'm not. I watched as she, Andrew, and August were all near each other, and I lagged behind with Mama and Daddy. I feel left out, but I know why.