✨It Doesn't Even Matter✨

Fresh Air And Positivity

The Following Day (August 18th) (Allie's Perspective)
After what happened last night, I was going to Utah to get fresh air. Mom and I were going. I can't believe they're sending me away. I knew what I did was wrong but, I don't think I deserve to be sent away. I wiped my tears.
"Allie, have you started packing?"
"No, just go away. You guys just want to get rid of me." I said to my Dad.
"What? We don't want to get rid of you."
"Then why am I going to Utah?" Daddy sat down next to me on the ground.
"You're going to Utah because Mariska and I thought that some fresh air, privacy, therapy, and a plethora of activities would help you. You're stressed out and having panic attacks and taking out your anger on people. It's what best."
"Mom is going to stay the entire time?"
"Yes. Please pack, you leave in the morning ladybug. I have a table read to go to. I love you so much."
"Love you too." He gave me a kiss. Amaya and Andrew came into my room.
"Where are you going?!"
"Just to Utah."
"Why are you going to Utah?"
"I dunno, ask Mama and Dad." I sighed.
"Would you like candy from my stash?" She asked.
"Sure." They left and let me pack. I just wished that I didn't have to do it right now. I don't want to go away. I guess my opinion isn't valued. It doesn't even matter.
*************
John F. Kennedy International Airport (Mariska's Perspective)
We were at our gate waiting to board the plane.
"Allie, would you like-"
"I don't want any." She said firmly.
"Why are you having an attitude with me?" I asked.
"Allison Maya. I know you hear me." She turned away from me and began to cry. My goodness.
"Allison, you need to eat breakfast." I put my arm around my daughter's shoulder and she removed it quickly.
"Would you like to talk to me?" I asked as we boarded first class.
"Mama, I can't talk. I'm not happy."
"What can I do to help?" She didn't answer and looked out of the window. This is how a good chunk of our conversations have been going these past few weeks. It's difficult because I don't know how to help Allie. After all, she's refusing to communicate. But I know she's only refusing to communicate not because she doesn't know how, but because she's really upset. Her hormones are raging now more than ever. At this point, it's picking and choosing whether or not it's worth it to pick a fight.
"Okay, Allie. I'm going to leave the food right here for you." I went on my phone to review some things concerning Allison and I soon saw her beginning to eat quietly. I've learned these days that not everything is a fight. I decided to close my eyes and take a quick nap. I think I deserved it after a long night on set and barely getting sleep.
"Mama, I'm scared." An 8-year-old Allie conveyed to me.
"Why, honey? Did you watch that scary movie after I told you not to?!"
"No, I didn't!"
"What is it, baby girl?"
"I'm scared that you'll go away and never ever come back!" I tilted my head.
"Why?"
"Because, of him."
"Who?"
"Felix! He's gonna come back! He'll come back!"

"Mom?" Allie woke me up.
"What's wrong?"
"You looked like you were having a bad dream. Are you okay?" She asked tenderly. She seemed calmed down and back to herself.
"I was, but I'll be okay. How far away are we?"
"30 minutes. Where are we gonna go after we get to Salt Lake?"
"You'll see."
*****************
Provo, Utah (Allie's Perspective)
We were staying in this house in Utah for the next couple of weeks. It was spacious and nice. But I didn't care much for it. I didn't even wanna be here. But I know that having an attitude with Mama wouldn't help.
"Look there's a pool so we could swim, there's so much space we can do a lot with. I think your therapy sessions will be taking place outside."
"Yeah." I walked around and Mom watched as I did so.
"Allie, are you feeling better?" If we were being honest here...I felt like running away again. Like when I ran away with my friend Jacky. I had texted her recently actually.
Jacky: You're in Salt Lake?! Gosh, rich people do the most I guess.
Me: I guess. When I get back home we can do an escape part 2
Jacky: I'd love to but your parents would get super mad.
Me: Nah. Trust me on it.

"Allie? Who are you texting?"
"Just a friend."
"Allie, I want to talk to you about that phone."
"What did I do now?! Haven't you punished me enough?! I'm already here! I don't even want to be here! And now what? You're gonna take my phone away too?! Just leave me the heck alone!" I went inside the house and Mama followed after me.
"Allison! Talk to me."
"I don't wanna talk to you. Everything is talk, talk, talk, I just have to sit here and listen to you drone on and on about how right you are and how you want the best for me. I'm tired of hearing it. I don't care anymore. I want to go to New York." I locked my bedroom door and sat on the bed.
"Allison, open the door."
"No! I don't want to! And you know what?! People saw us at the airport. So now they know we're in Utah. They probably know why too. So much for privacy."
"Allison, I'm sorry about that. I know how private you are, how private we are as a family and I know you hate that kind of spotlight."
"So then why did you bring me here?!"
"Because I want you to get the best therapy possible."
"I'm not doing therapy. That's it. I haven't done it in forever and I'm not doing it again. Nothing you say or do will make me subject myself to that kind of self terror again."
"Terror? How is it, terror?!" She asked in a concerned tone. She unlocked the door and sat down next to me on the floor.
"Answer me when you're calm. I'm not having a screaming match with you, Allie." She said before I even opened my mouth to speak.
"Then I won't ever answer you."
"Allison, that's immature of you young lady."
"No, it is not. I can't be calm right now. Look at the situation I'm in."
"What situation? Tell me. You haven't opened up to me since you blew up at Peter the other day."
"Because I don't want to talk."
"But talking is how we'll be able to help you. Your therapist told me that you've just been coming to therapy and not even speaking." I stared at Mama and she waited for me to say something.
"Do you not like your therapist?" She asked. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't even want to be there. It's so pointless, talking doesn't do anything but make other people feel as if you're getting somewhere. It makes them feel better about themselves. How dumb.
"The silent treatment isn't going to get you out of this." I hate it when she's right. I went onto my bed and held a pillow. I felt tired of this whole thing and ready for a nap.
****************
Allison's Session (Mariska's Perspective)
Her session was being held outside as I know how much Allie loves the outdoors. Allie just woke up from a nap so hopefully, she'd be in a better mood. I had staff make some of Allie's favorite treats so it'd cheer her up. Brownies, cookies, ice cream galore.
"Allie, Dr. Karev is here for you."
"Okay. I'm coming." She came downstairs, clothes changed, and hair fixed and sat down next to us. The two introduced themselves and I stayed for a bit. I know kids don't usually open up with parents around but it was just for the moment.
"So how do you feel about these daily sessions?" She shrugged her shoulders.
"You seem to be a very smart and well-articulated girl, I'm sure you can explain to me how you feel."
"I don't want to," Allie whispered. Her voice sounded as if she was ready to burst into tears.
"Why not?" She put her hands over her face and began to cry quietly. And I began to wonder. Yes, I know the obvious, my daughter has been assaulted by her older brother, but what else is there? What else is making her not want to talk?
"I don't like talking, it stupid and it isn't worth it!"
"There must be a reason as to why you feel that way," I said quietly.
"Allie, if there's a reason why you don't want to talk, you can tell us. Free of judgment." I wiped her eyes and she took a deep breath.
"It doesn't even matter."
***************
Provo, Utah (Allie's Perspective)
"What do you mean by that?" Dr. Karev asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," I admitted.
"Allie, we can't get to the root of the problem if you're not honest with us." I just really hated talking about it. It made me so sad.
"Why don't you like talking about your feelings?" Mama asked.
"Because, before you adopted me, my old foster family, the one you know about, didn't care. Neither did my social worker. I told them what happened to me and they just shushed me instead. Then they got rid of me. It wasn't because I was acting out. It's because I wasn't perfect and I was abused and they didn't wanna deal with it!" The tears just came rushing out, It was the first time I ever told my mom about that stuff. She instantly pulled me into a hug. I felt so very safe in her arms like nothing would ever hurt me again.
"My word, honey, if I had known that's why you didn't want to talk, I'm so sorry sweetie. So sorry." The rest of the session was a blur to me. All I remember is being allowed to watch tv.
"Allie, do you feel a bit better?"
"I feel less numb."
"You know, them quieting you was very wrong. And I can't believe they would that,"
"That's why I always used to say it doesn't even matter because that's what it seemed like to me. It didn't even matter."