✨It Doesn't Even Matter✨

I Want To Help

"I dunno mom," I said quietly.
"Do you want us to give you something?"
"I don't really want anything, I'm content with what I have right now."
"You sure there isn't anything at all that would make you happy?"
"No, I just want to cry again."
"Allie, please!" Mom started to cry and I felt terrible so I cried also.
"Allie, just tell me what's wrong. I'm sorry that daddy and I made you feel terrible. But that doesn't mean we hate you,"
"I forgave you guys already okay? I just don't wanna talk about it again. Like I've put you through enough in these two years! I'm such a bad adoptive daughter."
"No you're not, don't say that! You're the best little munchkin I could ask for when you're your normal fun loving self and not this sad and angry version of yourself. That's why daddy and I stress talking to us."
"But I just don't wanna go through that again!"
"Go through what again?"
"The flashbacks." I broke down into even more tears.
"Sorry Mama! Sorry."
"This isn't your fault at all honey. Please don't apologize."
"Is it the flashback I made you have?"
"Yeah." My mom put her hand on her forehead like she was very mad at herself.
"I'm so sorry!" Tears were still coming from Mama's eyes and she looked worried.
"I said I forgive you."
"So what happened in the flashback?"
"No."
"Alright we're not there yet I guess so uhh, on a scale from 1-10 how bad was it?"
"8 and a half."
"That's the highest you've ever had."
"I know." My second highest was 7 but moving on.
"What technique should we do munchkin?"
"Can we just- Nevermind, Deep breaths?"
"K, what were you going to say?"
"It doesn't even matter."
"Yes it does, what you have to say matters and so do you."
"I matter? Heh."
"What?"
"If I mattered my brother wouldn't have used my body as his little play thing for pleasure. If I mattered my parents would've listened when I tried to tell them something was up."
"Honey."
"I don't think in that time period I mattered much to anyone,"
"Allie- I don't ever want to hear you say that again." She held my hands firmly as she said this with so much emphasis.
"You do matter! Say it, go on!"
"I do matter."
"What happened to me wasn't my fault."
"What happened to me wasn't my fault."
"It doesn't make me any less of a person."
"It doesn't make me any less of a person."
"I do matter."
"I do matter."
"Come here and give me a hug." I went closer and she gave me a big hug.
"Mommy, I'm calm now. I guess."
"That's good. Now come you need to go eat something.
********
La Guardia Airport 4:30 am
We were going on a vacation at last! Our school was on a term break and our parents weren't working so things collided well and we're going to Europe. They never told us exactly what country we're going to, they wanted to leave it as a surprise until we got to the airport.
"What do you guys want to eat?" My dad asked.
"I dunno."
"Bagels."
"Smoothie."
"I dunno either."
"Alright, Amaya, Andrew, and Allie come, maybe you'll know what you want when you see what's there."
"Cool." We were walking to the place and I said to daddy,
"Dad?"
"Yes my ladybug?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Why do you guys always do that stuff?"
"What stuff?"
"Like go to those events, what's the Joyful Heart Foundation that Mama was talking about?"
"She never told you?"
"No, never asked."
"Maybe you should ask her," he said when we arrived to the food court. There was so much food I felt like I was going to explode. I wanted it all!
"Daddy did you see any turkey bacon?"
"Not yet, go ahead and get what you want sweetheart, I'm going to get some food for your siblings."  I put some eggs into the container along with 3 pancakes, a million sausages, and two pieces of turkey bacon, and let me not forget the French toast.
"You're so fat." Amaya said.
"I know, I'm just really hungry okay?"
"You're eating the whole food place away!" Andrew said. He really kills me sometimes.
"You must be really hungry, you eat more than August these days." My dad chuckled and payed for the food. When we got back to the terminal thingy I talked to my mother.
"Where are we going?" Andrew begged.
"Peter," my mom gave him a look.
"We're going to Germany!" Wow. Germany always seemed so interesting to me. I've been studying WW2 for what seems like ages now!
"So you were listening to me?"
"Of course we were!"
"So we'll go to museums? Can we go to museums please daddy?"
"Why not?" My mom said chiming in.
"We'll go to some museums and some other places."
"Wow, this is amazing! Germany is the greatest." My brother said sarcastically.
"August, just give it a chance. You're so boring!" Amaya said.
"August you can't be like this on the whole trip."
"I liked the old August better," Andrew commented. I looked to see if daddy was offered in any way. Because dad's actually German himself and he's been teaching me some of it.
"Let's talk about something else. Daddy can you tell us more about living in Germany?"
*********
"Wake up we're here!" My mother said.
"I'm tired. Wake me up another day." I joked. "Let's go silly, Amaya let's go!" Amaya was cranky and was having a mini fit. So mom Just comforted her and carried her all the way to the car. I was still sleepy so I leaned on August and he got angry and pushed me so hard that I hit my head on the car door. I started to cry silently because my head was throbbing.
"What's wrong Allie?"
"August pushed me into the door and now my head is throbbing." I held my hand over the spot and closed my eyes.
"Just wait till we get to the hotel young man! Allie is there a bump?" I nodded and moved my hand. My dad was driving, but he saw it in the mirror.
"We'll ice it in a bit honey."
"Alright. I can't even sleep now, it pains me." I closed my eyes and tried to focus on a happier occasion. All of a sudden Mama was in this room with two beds taking my pajamas out of my bag and handing them to me.
"I'm so tired." She helped me take off my shirt and put on a new one and then I changed my shorts. Amaya was knocked out and I was about to go back to sleep too.
"When you wake up in a couple of hours we're gonna have breakfast and go to a museum,"
"Yay."
"Allison, I'm sorry about your brother."
"Oh it's fine Mama. I've been hurt worse before."
"It isn't fine honey, I promised you wouldn't have to face anymore violence and now look at the goose bump on your head." She gently laid some ice on it and then kissed me.
"I know, but where's Andy?"
"He's with your dad, why?"
"I wanna kiss him goodnight."
"Andy, come here please." He walked into the room with his Pj's and looked around.
"I just wanted to say goodnight!" He hugged me and told me to keep the ice on my head before the goose egg hatched.
"Alright! Night Andy."
"Night night." And then the world went black....