✨It Doesn't Even Matter✨

Releasing

Days later
"I took some time off to cater to you. To help you get better. Alright?"
"K Mama." I hadn't been to school in days, I was taking some mental health days.
"Let's take one step at a time."
"One step at a time."
"Let's do some drawing and have a little chat. We need to talk about something."
"Okay."
"Let's do this page." I grabbed blue and started to draw.
"So, remember how you told me your brother died?"
"Yeah, He is dead..."
"He isn't."
"He isn't?!"
"You didn't know."
"Of course not mommy!"
"Well, he's 18 now. And daddy and I have been talking."
"What?"
"He deserves to be punished."
"No don't do it!"
"I don't want him out here on the streets thinking he could molest other little girls. He can't get away with this. He violated you."
"He did but-"
"What Allison?!" I hugged my mother in fear.
"But I'm scared. I don't want to see him again!"
"Look at me, you've made it this far."
"I've barely made it,"
"But you're here. Do you want to pursue a case against your brother?"
"No, because I don't want to see him."
*****
Therapy
"Why do I have extra counseling again?"
"To help you release these emotions, you've just let out a very serious revelation. One that you have kept for an extremely long time and that could be very damaging to a person."
"It can?"
"It can. It could explain the way you've been acting,"
"Eh."
"Allie, you know what happened in that house, what happened that day wasn't your fault at all?"
"I could've kicked him off or something. I let it happen to me! So I don't want to hear that it isn't my fault when I let it happen to me!"
"Allie, you were a defenseless 5 year old girl. You couldn't have fought him off. He could've killed you had you retaliated."
"Then I'd rather be dead then. At least then I could die knowing I tried." A tear fell down my check and my voice started getting shaky.
"At least I could die, and know that was the last time I'd ever be violated like that, don't you understand?! Being dead would be so much better."
*******
The Hamptons
It felt weird having no siblings there. It was just Mama, Daddy, and I in our big freaking 11 bedroom house. It felt so weird to not have all of that extra noise. This was supposed to be my weekend apparently, I guess maybe because they've been either working or spending time with the other kids. Me having therapy quite a bit is probably why. I continuously picked at my bacon as my parents were on the computer trying to book a flight for a family trip.
"Your food's getting cold bug."
"I know Daddy. I don't want to eat."
"How come? This is your favorite."
"I don't feel as excited to eat it." I put my head down and dad rubbed my back.
"How about you eat your breakfast, and then we could all go out for a walk afterwards?"
"I have an important call coming in soon."
"Alright, So then daddy daughter time."
"I'll try Daddy." I put some eggs in my mouth and he smiled and gave me a kiss. I smiled a little. I felt a little bit happy.
"Is that a smile I see?"
"Only a small one."
"Little things count."
*****
The Beach
On this cold December day I walked along the beach with my dad. The waves looked beautiful and plentiful, and the sand was the way I liked it. I took a stick and wrote,'Allie Hermann' with a little heart. I knew that maybe someone would come and take a pic considering that people know who I am but that didn't matter. It was a wholesome moment with my dad.
"Your handwriting is so neat."
"It is Isn't it?" I laughed and gave him the stick.
"Write something Daddy."
"Hmm." He took the stick and wrote, 'the strongest girl in the world'.
"That isn't true."
"It is, you know come over here and sit so we can talk."
"Sure."
"Is it okay if daddy talks with you about the incident?"
"Yeah." I leaned on him because I was cold and held his hand.
"Your mom told you about your brother right?"
"Yes."
"You don't want to testify right?"
"Well, I just have some fears."
"What are they? I won't judge you for it my love."
"I-I. Dad!"
"Breathe, breathe." He rubbed my back so I could calm down.
"I don't want to see his face. Then remember what he did. And then talk about it. Daddy, people are gonna know. I want this to be done in private."
"We will try our hardest to make sure this goes as privately and quickly as possible." He kissed me and I looked at the water and sand. So peaceful and nice unlike my life right now.
"Daddy, why can't everyone's life be peaceful like the beach? Why did Pandora's box have to be opened?"
"I'm not exactly sure Allie. I'm not at all. What I will say is that your mother is working hard to make this world a better place."
"That's what the Joyful heart is for."
"Exactly."
"Mama is an amazing person for that."
"Isn't she? Shall we head back?"
"Yes please, I'm barely warm in my jammies." I laughed and we got up and started walking back to the house.
"It's great to see you smile and laugh Allie. I can't tell you how much I missed that smile, how much I've missed my inquisitive daughter."
"Am I really that inquisitive Daddy?"
"Yes, you are. You've always been. You were like that from the day we met."
"Ohh, when I asked who you were? That was a serious question you know?! Like if I were going to live with you I should know that info." I looked up and him and he did a short laugh.
"You do have a point. It looked like you were genuinely excited-"
"I was genuinely excited." He rolled his eyes playfully and kept walking.
"I wonder if Mama is done with her important call."
"I hope she is. We should go do something.. the three of us."
"We can go downtown?"
"Perfect."