Open Your Arms

Chapter 20

June 3, 2003

The past two days have been terrible. I flew from Spain to Pennsylvania all on my own, terrified that something might happen to me, but I didn't let that stop me. I knew that I had to go right then and there. 

Leaving Ville was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Meeting him is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He actually brought meaning to my life and gave me something to live for. Now my life is going to be the same everyday: I'm going to be alone in my apartment all day, or I'll go to my parent's house, or I'll hang out with Jenn and Bam. That's all I do. 

But it's not only that. Ville also is just an amazing person. He's so intelligent and thoughtful and selfless. I mean, after all that he's done for me without hesitating is something that I never thought that I would be able to experience. 

I really thought that I was starting to love Ville. I mean, who couldn't? There's nothing about him that isn't lovable. He's such a gentleman and he's very humble about himself--it's very attractive. 

There's a knock on the door, interrupting my thoughts. "Can I come in?"

I recognize the voice to be my mother. I decided to stay at her house for a little until I was stable enough to be on my own. I've never thought about killing myself or hurting myself before, but I've also never been in this situation before. Being around people helps me. I would never do something like that if people I knew were around. 

"Yeah," I croak, surprised at my own voice. I've been crying so much, causing my voice to become hoarse. 

My mom walks in carrying a tray of sweets: a tub of ice cream, cookies, brownies, and a slice of cake. She sets it down on the nightstand next to me and then takes a seat on the bed. "How are you doing, Larissa? Are you ready to talk about it yet?"

I shrug my shoulders. I didn't give her any details when I arrived; I just told her that Ville and I broke up. That was yesterday. I still haven't been able to speak about it out loud. I'm too scared to--it'll make it even more real. 

"Someone's here to see you," She smiles while telling me. 

My whole body tenses up as I get hope that it's Ville. That he followed me back home and is about to walk through the door. But my hope quickly fades away as soon as I see Hailey and Jenn walk through the door. 

"Hey, Larissa," Jenn says and leans down to give me a hug. "Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, I never really liked Ville anyway."

"Jenn, I broke up with him," I tell her, not wanting her to get the impression that Ville did this to me. No, I did this to myself.

She lifts herself up and looks at me like I'm an idiot. "Larissa, why?"

"Don't push it," Hailey says and lays down on the bed next to me. "She'll tell us when she's ready."

"I'll give you girls some alone time," My mom stands up and plants a kiss on my forehead. "Let me know if you need anything."

As she walks out, Hailey asks, "Are you going to eat any of that?"

I shake my head. "You eat it. I don't feel like eating." Hailey reaches over me and grabs the tray, then begins to eat the food. 

Normally I would be upset that she was eating my food, even if I gave her permission, but I'm too numb to even care. There's nothing that could hurt me more than what I did to myself.

"Larissa, come on," Jenn pushes me over towards Hailey so she can lay down next to me, too. "What were you doing all day yesterday?"

"Just laying down in bed, crying, and sleeping," I reply and grab a cookie off of the tray. I split in half, giving one piece to Jenn.