Open Your Arms

Chapter 72

February 21, 2006

I'm lucky that Missy answered the door and not anyone else. She told me that Bam and all of his friends went out to drink. But as soon as she saw me crying she rushed me to her room and had me tell her what happened. 

She got me ice cream and wanted me to watch a movie, but I kindly declined. I didn't feel like doing anything. I just wanted to sleep. And so she let me. 

I wanted to sleep all day today, but she told me that it wasn't a good thing to do, so she had me go out in her hot tub. Despite it being so cold outside, the hot tub is surprisingly still very hot. 

I cried a lot this morning. The breakup was so sudden. Yesterday we were so fine while we were out shopping. I don't understand what happened. 

With Ville, things were drawn towards us breaking up--the miscarriage and lack of the actual relationship. But nothing would've prepared me for the breakup with Jake. Everything seemed perfect. 

We can't be mad at one another. We didn't do anything wrong. It's just a matter of preference. I don't know if that should hurt more. 

Missy clears her throat to soothe the awkward silence. "They've started filming the new Jackass movie."

"Oh really?" I ask. 

"Yeah. It's only going on for a couple more months, though. The ideas they have for this one are actually funny."

I want to ask her if she didn't find the other ones funny, but I can't bring it in myself to have a normal conversation. Everything reminds me of Jake, even things that have nothing to do with him. There's no getting rid of him. 

Missy purses her bottom lip out. "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say."

April approaches the hot tub in her bathing suit, then sits down and joins us. "I'm sorry, was I interrupting something?"

"Not at all," Missy smiles at her kindly and shoots me a look, asking if she can tell April what happened. I nod and she turns to April. "Jake and Larissa broke up."

April gasps. "What?! What happened?!"

Seeing her reaction to this hurts more, too. April's emotions are always genuine; she never fakes anything. 

I turn my face away, not wanting them to see me begin to cry. It's very difficult not to, but I don't like when people see me cry. 

I don't know what it is about it. It's not that it makes me feel weak or it bothers me. I just feel embarrassed, as if I shouldn't show my emotions. 

"Oh, honey," Missy rubs my face as I cover my face with my hands. 

"I'm fine," I wipe the tears away and force a smile. It's only ten in the morning; I can't be crying yet. "I'm fine."

"Stop that," April shoots me a sympathetic look. "You are allowed to have emotions, Larissa."

I've never had a mother tell me that before. Growing up, my mother wouldn't comfort me while I cried. 

Well, of course she would tell me that I'm alright and that things were going to be okay after asking me what was wrong, but she never reassured my emotions. Sometimes she would tell me that I shouldn't be crying. 

Of course I cry now. I cry because Jake's gone and I'm never going to get him back. I cry because I've never had a true mother hold me and tell me that things are going to be okay. 

"What the fuck happened here?!" Bam shouts. I look up and see Novak, Dico, and Ryan following him. "Larry, you look like shit."

Seeing them come out, I force the tears back down. I don't want to cry in front of them.