Open Your Arms

Chapter 51

July 13, 2004

Outstretching my wrists, I trace the veins on my wrist. There's something so captivating about being able to see the inside of your body, but you're not able to feel it. I've been fascinated by that ever since I was a little girl. 

The human anatomy has always left me flabbergasted. The way that things function and work inside of our bodies is astounding. Most humans aren't even aware of everything that's going on inside, myself included. 

I think that's why I love playing the guitar--because it reminds me of a human body. The way that it's built, the height and width of it, perfectly resembles a human. 

The fret is almost like a head, the strings are like the neck, and the body of the guitar is like a torso. The only thing that's missing are the arms and legs. Everything else is there. 

As I strum the strings, I feel nothing. Normally I feel something, even if it's just the vibration of the strings, but I feel nothing. 

I've been numb for the past couple of months and nothing's changing. I thought that playing the guitar would help me, but nothing is. Ville keeps telling me that I should just go to therapy, but I shut it down every time. 

"Larissa," Ville steps inside of the room, as if he knew that I was talking about him. "What are you doing?"

"I'm just trying to play the guitar," I set the guitar back down on the stand. It seems like Ville doesn't want me playing it. 

"Well, I'm going to be going out with Bam."

"Oh," I say, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans. "Right now?"

"Yeah. I'll be back, though."

"Are you going to be home for dinner?"

"No, we're going out to dinner."

Ville used to invite me everywhere he would go. He would take me everywhere with him. But now, he doesn't anymore. It's like he just wants to get away from me. 

"Okay, well I hope you have fun," I tell him, very clearly feeling the tension. I want him to leave just to get rid of it. 

He doesn't kiss me goodbye or even give me a hug. "You too." 

And with that, he leaves, shutting the door behind him. 

It doesn't make much of a difference. It hasn't even felt like he's been here lately. Of course he's living in the apartment with me, but it doesn't feel like he's down here with me. His mind has been other places lately, but I haven't asked. I don't want to know. 

We aren't the same as we used to be. We used to be so energetic and we loved each other all the time. We would hug and kiss and make out and sometimes have sex, but now we don't even hold hands. 

When we go to sleep at night, our backs are turned towards each other, as if we are ashamed that we're even in the same bed together. We rarely even say "I love you" to each other. 

I miss the old us. I miss the people that he and I used to be and how we used to be so grateful for each other. Now it feels like we want nothing to do with each other. 

I make my way into the bathroom and look at my tattoo for the fifth time today. I have to continuously look at it to remind me why I'm still with him. 

Breaking up is something that I would not want to experience with him. The thought of it makes me shudder, but sometimes I feel like he might need to.