Open Your Arms

Chapter 40

May 2, 2004

Despite being with Ville for the past month, I feel like I've rarely even be able to see him. On the days of the concerts, he rehearses all day with the band and at first I would stay at the venue with them, but I grew really bored and wander off alone in any city we were in. Then, after rehearsals, they would wait backstage, put on the show, then drink a little, and go to sleep. 

On the days that they don't have concerts, it's just driving in the tour bus. Even then, Ville normally sleeps the whole time because of how exhausted he is from the previous night and drinking. 

This hasn't at all been what I thought it was going to be. For some reason I thought that there were going to be many, many interviews but there hasn't really been any. 

I've been bored for the most part. Ville was right. I know now that I probably should have stayed home. Although I would've missed him, there's not much for me to do and I feel like such a burden. 

I return back inside the venue from shopping and hear the band playing. I sit down on the ground in front of the stage and eat my food while looking up and watching my boyfriend perform the same songs he's been playing over and over again. 

I don't understand how musicians can just play the same songs repeatedly and not get sick of it. I mean, I'm sure some of them do, but being able to put up with it is a whole different thing. 

After their last song, Ville hops off of the stage and leans down to give me a kiss. I return it and hand him a sandwich I bought him. 

"No meat," I make sure he knows, tapping his nose. 

"Why thank you," He puts the sandwich back in the bag and takes me outside, sitting down on the curb. "It smells like shit in there."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"It just smelled bad," He wraps his arm around my shoulder. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay," I nod and grab a cigarette out of his pocket, light it, then smoke. 

"What's stressing you?" He doesn't try to stop me. He smokes instead. 

"Nothing; I'm just bored."

"I told you," He says, parting the cigarette from his lips and keeping it in between his fingers. "Do you want to go?"

I shake my head. "No. I never said that."

"I never said you said that; I was just simply asking a question."

"Do you want me to go?" I glare at him. "Because I'll fucking leave if you want me to."

"Can you calm down?" He scrunches his eyebrows together. "God, I was just fucking suggesting something. You don't need to get so upset about it."

I roll my eyes and stand up. "It's hot, I'm going inside. Are you coming with?"

"No, I'm smoking."

I throw my cigarette onto the ground, stamp on it, and go inside. 

I have no idea what just happened between us but whatever it was, I hated it. It definitely wasn't something positive. 

We've been getting on each other's nerves more lately than we ever have. It's probably because we've been around each other for such a large amount of time. Either way, I don't like it. 

The way that conversation made me feel was just...empty. We didn't even argue. We just bickered, but that was very mild bickering. 

I grab my phone backstage that's resting in my purse and I call my sister.