Open Your Arms

Chapter 41

March 3, 2004

I woke up with numerous missed calls and voicemails from Ville. They were all saying how he's sorry and he wants me to come back and how he can't believe he reacted that way. 

It only makes me hate myself more. He didn't do anything wrong. He just was concerned for me. 

I decide to call him and I press my phone to my ear. 

He answers immediately. 

"Larissa, oh my God!" He exclaims. "Where are you? Your stuff isn't here."

"I came back to Philadelphia," I tell him, my voice now quivering as I begin to cry. I'm only able to picture him sitting down, his face falling as he realizes I've left him alone. 

"What?" He asks in a hushed tone. "W-Why?"

I have to lie. I have to think of something quick. I can't bring myself to tell him the real reason why; especially not over the phone. 

"I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I was too bored and it was too repetitive. It's not you, Ville, I promise. I'm sorry."

He sighs. "Well I wish you would've fucking told me."

"I'm sorry." I'm sorry for many other things that he doesn't even know of right now. 

"Are you okay?" He asks. "Where are you right now? Did you get home safely?"

"I'm in our bed right now. I took a flight home; thankfully there was a seat left."

"I don't hate you Larissa, okay?" He makes sure I know. "I love you more than anything in the world."

This only makes me cry harder. What if he breaks up with me because I'm pregnant?

No, it's Ville. He wouldn't do that. I know he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that even if his life depended on it. 

"Love you, too," I tell him. "I really do. I'm sorry for being a bitch to you yesterday; I was just not in a good mood."

"Why weren't you?"

I chuckle and lie to him again. "I think I'm about to start my period."

"I'll mail some chocolate to you," He says. 

I smile widely. "How was the concert last night?"

"Fucking awful. I did not do a good job. I could've done so much better, but us arguing put me into a funk and I had no idea where you went."

"I'm really sorry."

"I forgive you," He says. 

I don't deserve to be forgiven, not after what I found out yesterday. I will never be able to forgive myself for treating him like that. 

It's not that I was mad at him for me being pregnant--of course I couldn't blame him, it takes two people to make a baby--but I was just mad at myself and I took it out on him. 

"Well," He clears his throat. "I have to get going; we're about to rehearse. Are you going to be okay on your own?"

I hesitate to answer, this now being the third time I've lied to him since we've been on the phone. "Yes."

"Alright, Larissa. Goodbye and I love you."

"Love you too," I murmur and hang up the phone, setting it down next to me on the bed. I reach across the bed and grab a pillow, shoving it into my face and screaming into it.