Open Your Arms

Chapter 49

April 21, 2004

It's been a month since the baby died. During that time, Ville and I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished. 

For the first two weeks, everyday we would lay down in bed and just cry. We wouldn't even touch each other. We would just have to find comfort in the fact that we were crying together. 

I couldn't find it in myself to comfort Ville, not when I was hurting like how I was. 

We barely even ate. I would sometimes get up and eat a grape, but that's the most that I ate. It definitely wasn't healthy for me, but I was hurting. 

On the first day of the third week of the baby dying, Ville spoke to me and it was the most he said to me during the past couple of weeks. 

"This needs to stop," He had said. "We need to move on with our life at some point, we can't just sit here and wallow in this. It's not going to do us any good."

We argued. I got mad at him for saying that. It's different for him than it is for me. 

He only knew about the baby for a couple of days. I knew about him for 10 weeks. For 12 weeks he was a part of me without me even knowing while the other 10 weeks I knew. 

And for those 10 weeks, I bonded with my baby even though I didn't even know what he looked like. I would constantly think about my life after he was born and how it was going to change. 

I also thought about the milestones Ville and I would share with him. His first crawl, his first words, his first steps, everything. But now that won't happen. It can't happen. 

After I finish brushing my teeth and washing my face, I change into different clothes. Jenn, Bam, and his parents are coming over. 

Jenn offered for us to go over there, but we didn't want to. I don't know how Ville feels about this, but I'm too scared to go driving. I never want to get in that fucking car ever again. 

"Hey," Ville comes up behind me and gives me a hug. "They said that they're almost here, just to give you a heads up."

I nod and lean into him. 

He's been helping me a lot. He's not nearly as upset as I am, so now he's able to help me. Sometimes I worry that this is too draining for him. Some days are way worse than others. 

Some days I'll be fine and I will barely shed a tear while other days I'll be sobbing for majority of the day. On those days, Ville makes me food and he'll turn on a movie that makes me happy. 

I don't tell him that it doesn't help. I don't tell him that the only reason why I'm eating is because he made it for me. It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me feel worse. 

There's a knock on the door and it reminds me of the time Hailey and Axl came to visit us. 

It was last week and they showed up unannounced. As soon as I saw them, I started crying and they hugged me. 

They didn't ask what happened because they already knew. Apparently the press has gotten a lot about this, which is weird because Ville and I haven't said a word about it, and now it's everywhere in all the magazines. 

I didn't care enough to be bothered by it. I had something else on my mind that hurt more. 

Hailey stayed the night and made dinner, but Axl had to go back to his own family. To his own kid that didn't die in a car accident. To his own perfect little family.