Open Your Arms

Chapter 77

June 20, 2006

"You know, sometimes, I just lay down in my bed and think," I laugh at how stupid I sound. "You're judging me!"

Ville shakes his head and continues to smile at me. "No I'm not. I don't judge."

"Yeah right," I scoff and continue to lay down on my back, staring at the night sky. It's almost as pretty as Ville, but not quite. 

My feelings for Ville have not died down at all like I planned for them to. I thought that they would've been gone by now, but they haven't. And the more I talk to him, the more the feelings deepen. 

"I need you to know something," Ville's voice softens. This is how I know this is a serious conversation. "I've never been able to get over the death of our baby."

I bring myself to look at him, not after he said that. He's not supposed to say that. We were having a good conversation--it was positive. Some things are left better unsaid.

I sigh. "Ville--"

He cuts me off. "Don't start with that, okay? Don't act like this is a bad thing. I've been needing to say this to you for quite some time now because I don't want you thinking that I just got over it."

"I always thought that you did," I turn to lay down on my side and get a good look at him instead of having to move my neck every few seconds. "It just seemed so easy for you."

He scoffs and turns to the side just like me. "No. I think you're forgetting that I lost someone, too. I lost two people, actually."

That was your fault, I want to say, but I don't because he could possibly take that as me saying that the baby dying was his fault. I decide it's best to keep my mouth shut. 

"Why don't you guys come over here?!" Bam calls at us--specifically Ville--from the table where Missy, April, Phil, and Novak are sitting at. 

"In a second!" Ville yells, but then smirks and turns back to me. "3,000 seconds."

I roll my eyes. "Okay."

"I'm sorry," He says. 

"For what?"

He doesn't speak. He lays back down fully on his back, staring up at the sky. I don't move. I continue to look at him. 

There are so many things he could be apologizing for. He could be apologizing because he feels bad that the baby died. He could be apologizing for breaking up with me. He could be apologizing for not helping me as much as I needed after the miscarriage. 

Or maybe this is what he wants. Maybe he wants me to take that as how I want so that I can forgive him for everything that he did. 

But then how would he know what he's apologizing for?

"You're still staring at me," He says. 

"Okay," I don't stop. It's a blessing that I've been able to look at him for that long. If I had the chance to, I would look at him forever. 

He slightly turns his neck to look at me and he smiles with his mouth closed. I want to kiss him. I get butterflies at the thought of it. 

I want him to sit up and kiss me, then climb on top of me and we make out underneath the stars. Not because that would be romantic, but because I've been craving his touch for so long. 

Two years I've gone without it. 

I think I just need to accept the fact that it's time for me to move on.