"Everything I Never Told You"

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

I consider myself a weak person to the point that's pathetic how fragile I am.

When you've had a life of misfortunes and events that play against you and your luck, you fall apart, let your guards down and let those events and the feelings that these events lead to within you take over you.

There comes a point where not only your body can no longer fight, but also your mind. That's what I call the 'breaking point'. Where as much as you don't want to, you know that you must build a wall above yourself and around your heart to keep you standing and away all of the feelings that want to consume even your smallest breath of air.

Once this wall is built, it's very difficult to tear it down. In fact, I would say impossible.

Everyone around you starts to telling you to tear it down and let yourself feel like any normal human being, like something that it's natural. But they don't understand the internal battle your body and mind are in. How it's difficult and challenging to want to continue to live. Those are the moments when panic and horror consumes you. Your head, your brain, your whole body starts shaking. You feel your heartbeat quicken and how all the air begins to drain from your body, not allowing your lungs to breathe. Your goosebumps and the difficulty to stand up.

Giving you all the memories of when the wall was down and you allowed your feelings to take over you completely, that's when you must pool all the value you have and the one you don't have and raise the barrier for your own good.

The problem with this barrier is that even though it works in your favor to obstruct everything you feel, denying everything, forcing you to be strong and stand up in any situation without grieving, at the same time it can be triggering at the bottom of your heart for the future. Evading feelings and accumulating them will only lead to destroy you when the wall collapses.

I am now at a point in my life where my hard to build up barrier is coming down on top of me. I can't keep it standing. Even though I try to pull it up again with all of the strength I have, this time it's heavier than me and winning the battle. Emotions start consuming and invading my head like a tsunami and I'm going insane.

If I don't find a way to stop this onslaught of emotions I'll have no choice but to end all of this.

At this point I'm exhausted from fighting with my head and the thoughts running through my mind all the time. So maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Maybe it's better to let that black smoke inside my head win this time...