"Everything I Never Told You"

Chapter |5| Kennedy

I hate weekends. When I have nothing to do my head doesn't stop spinning.

The last few weeks have gone by very quickly and have been very repetitive. Wake up, go to class, come back and study, talk to Keila and Brooke, see Jax from time to time when he has time since he has a lot of practice, sleep, repeat.

Sometimes I go out for coffee with Leilani, but we haven't gotten to know each other that much.

At least from my side. 

She actually talked a lot about herself. How she left her family in Colombia and came to study here, her grandma's passing a few weeks back, and her relationship with her boyfriend who owns a pretty well-known bar outside campus called 'Atomic'. 

What she knows about me, on the other hand, is nothing more than what I study, my friends and brother's name, and that I practically breathe same oxygen as her. 

I cannot allow more than that. I can't allow to open up to someone. I don't want to be another dead weight in someone else's life.

With Brooke, on the other hand, I'm not in control of anything. Not because I don't want to, but because she's so outgoing, fun and kind that it's impossible. She's not going to let me get away from her, and that warms but at the same time scares me. 

But she still doesn't know everything about me.

Not even Keila, my lifelong best friend. And not even Jax knows the full story.

The only one who knows everything that happened to me is me.

And that's driving me crazy. I don't know how much more I can take it.

If only Mom were here probably everything would be okay. She would listen to me, give me a hug and calm me down. These ideas and negative voices that nest in my head would not exist. Her simple sunshine and warm presence would kill them.

God, I miss her so much.

My movement of the pencil on the sheet becomes harder and faster as memories about mom start flooding through my mind. I try to focus on the music blasting through my headphones and block out my friends who are sitting on the bed next to mine talking about tonight's plans.

"Sick. Cancer in stage 4. Incurable"

"I'm sure there's something to do, Jax."

"No, Kennedy. Not even the chemo can help, it's advanced."

"Kennedy, come into the room. Please I need to see you one last time. I need to say goodbye."

"I want you to know that I love you."

Stop. Stop. Stop. Do not think. Don't remember.

You're strong, control yourself.

My body begins shaking, the demons in my head being stronger than me. My heart race picks up, and I feel like air won't flow into my lungs.

I remove my headphones, close my sketchbook and put it aside ignoring my two friends who fell silent due to the sudden way in which I stood up from the bed, and entered the bathroom.

A tear rolls down my cheek as soon as I close the door, the pain in my chest stronger that I can bear as memories of that night with Will also start to resurface.

Breathe, Kennedy. Just breathe and take your fucking pills.

I listen to my head, refusing to call Jax and not be a burden, take 2 pills to control my fucked-up brain and swallow them without water in a desperate attempt to not yield that panic attack that is scratching me from the inside, begging to come out.