"Everything I Never Told You"

Chapter |36| Kennedy

— "You've been staring at that blank page, without even drawing one line, for half an hour".

I don't address Keila's comment, even though she's right.

The last thing on my mind right now is drawing and is not even helping me forget about him.

My head won't stop spinning and re living how much fan we had this past week.

We spent all the days together, slept next to each other every night, and kiss at any opportunity we got.

— "You're thinking about him" she doesn't ask, she affirms.

There's no point denying it, so I nod.

Of course I'm thinking about him.

About how stupid I was for saying goodbye yesterday with a short kiss and an 'I'm going to miss you, good luck', because I don't have the courage to go to his house today, tell him everything I feel and actually say the right way like any rational human being.

God, I even turned and walked away before he voiced those words out loud.

I saw them reflected in the tenderness in his eyes.

And now I'm drawing in my self pity and being a coward.

You're a goddamn idiot. And for once, I agree with my mind.

— "Kenny..." Keila sights and sits next to me on my mind "I'm not going to force you into anything, but you should see him. You're miserable thinking about already not going. Just imagine how much more you're going to be after he leaves, and you don't say goodbye properly. At least temporarily".

But it's not temporarily.

— "I can't, Keila. I don't want to look into his eyes and have to say goodbye indefinitely because I don't know how long it will take me to put myself together" don't you dare cry "I don't know where to get the courage to tell him that I don't want him to cling to me because I can't promise him anything".

— "You are the strongest and bravest person I know, Kenny. And I'm not saying it because you're my best friend, it's reality".

Breathe in. Breath out. Tears at bay.

— "I know you don't see yourself like that, but everyone else does" Keila looks emptily at her nails, her mind somewhere else. "I know how you feel...the pain of letting go the person who has a part of your heart. Nobody wants an incomplete heart".

Her words seem to touch something inside her, because her chin trembles a little.

I give her arm a comforting squeeze, and she looks at me with a small, pained smile.

— "Don't hold back your words, Kenny. Because at the end of the day they're going to end up destroying you on the inside and wondering thousands of 'what ifs' if you have said them" she clears her throat.

— "I'm scared of letting him go. I'm scared I won't be able to heal and regret my decision".

— "It hurts, to let go of someone we love. But it all happens for a reason, and this one if you feel it's the best for yourself, and also for him, then that's the right one even though it hurts" Kei gives me a small smile. "All you can do is trust that he's going to take care of that part of your heart you trusted him with and handed".

— "And hope one day they'll come together again?" I ask.

She nods. "Yeah".

— "You should be the psychologist, not me" I chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood, otherwise I'm going to start crying. "Your words make me emotional".