"Everything I Never Told You"

Chapter |13| Kennedy

I wake up abruptly in the middle of the night from a dream of the first time I kissed Will when I was a girl.

I remember little me being so happy to be with Will, how she came back to her house when he kissed her and told her mother it was the best night of her life and how she wanted to be with him forever.

I can't control the tears running down my cheeks.

I stand up from the bed, open my bag and suitcase and rummage through them in search of my pills to calm the damn panic attacks that's clawing to get out.

I can' t find my pills.

I check the drawers where I stocked my clothes for the days we're staying in Reed's penthouse, under the bed, between the sheets, in the bathroom cabinets.

I don't have them.

I try to calm my racing heart and uneven breathing, and I succeed. But I need my pills because the memories won't stop flooding through my mind, and I don't have the strength to stay put without them.

I'm not strong enough.

And I fear what I'm capable of if I can't calm myself down. I'm afraid to give in to the voices in my head who won't stop telling me to end it all.

Breathe. Calm down. You've got this.

Breathe, Kennedy.

God I can't be so stupid as to have forgotten the medication that keeps me sane.

Oh god. Oh god. Please, no.

I leave the room without bothering in a desperate need to drink water and find something, any pill, so I can be psychologically calmed. I don't bother to put on shorts. My sleeping tee is a little below my waist and no one's going to see my scars.

The penthouse is completely silent.

I consider going to Jax's room and ask him to help me calm down, but he doesn't know about these attacks. He thinks the pills are only for the depression of mom's death. I would have to explain to him that the biggest reason is because of what happened with Will.

And I don't have the strength to face that. To voice it out loud and remember.

I'll have to deal with my issues on my own without bothering anyone.

I take a deep breath and go downstairs quietly. There has to be something to knock me to sleep.

I walk into the dark kitchen and don't' bother to turn on the lights before opening the cabinets and rummaging through them in search of pills.

— "Please" I whisper, chin trembling and tears in my eyes from fear of not knowing what to do.

I've never not had my pills when I'm having a panic attack.

"Do you trust me?"

"Always".

No. No. No. Please, no.

I try to keep Will's voice out of my head, but it's getting louder.

— "There has to be something..." I sob. Boxes of teas and cookies fall to the floor as I desperately search.

Who doesn't have pills in his house?! Not even for stomachache or fever?!?

— "I think a thief would try and be more silent...".

Oh, no.

I close my eyes tightly against that voice I recognize and calm my breathing before turning to the person I already know is behind me.