"Everything I Never Told You"

Chapter |23| Kennedy

Today's probably been one of the worst days of my entire life.

I lay in bed trying to control my breathing while I re-trace for the hundredth time the lines of the landscape I sketched on my notebook. I'm frustrated.

Usually, music and drawing helps take my mind of the negative thoughts running through my head. But today not even that distracts me from the fuck up I am.

Feeling like a failure for not passing last week's exam and how mom's one year anniversary since her death is almost around the corner, not to mention these days the memories with Will are stronger than ever is fucking up with my head.

I close my pad and take off my headphones and throw both on the floor.

Thankfully my friends aren't sleeping on the dorm tonight to see the mess I am right now. I could not stand it if they did.

I lie in bed and try to sleep to avoid my traumas and thoughts, because I'm not strong enough to deal with them.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired and I don't know how long I can keep up.

It kills knowing that as much as I enjoy spending time with my friends, brother and Reed, it's also a distraction from the other side of the coin of my life. The face that no one sees and weighs a lot.

"Do you trust me?"

"Always".

I close my eyes with all the strength I have, as if I can block the memories trying to make appearance.

I close my eyes and yell at my little self, at the stupid girl who thought her life was going to be incredible after the boy of her dreams noticed her and gave her all his attention, that the only thing that awaits her in the future future is misery.

Or well, there's a little light...Reed, Jax, Keila, my friends.

But sometimes the darkness overshadows even the only positive portion of my life.

It doesn't allow me to shine, doesn't allow me to be happy. As if I didn't deserve those things.

As if the only thing I came to life was to suffer and suffer and not stop doing it.

God, I can't deal with this anymore.

I want to hold on, but being alone it's difficult.

Flashback: 11 months ago, 18 years.

I walk through the halls of Aaron's house, looking for Keila.

Jax called me a while ago.

The only thing we did during the entire call was argue and say mean things to each other. Jax's sad for mom and getting mad at me because I ignore the topic. And I'm irritated because he doesn't stop mentioning her.

I don't want to hear the word mom.

I don't want to think about the fact that 1 week ago she passed and I'll never see her again.

I don't want to think about how I didn't fulfill her last wishes and was by her side because I'm selfish and didn't care about anything other than how I felt without thinking about her.

I don't want to think about how I didn't attend her funeral or still visit her grave.

I don't want to think about how I'm turning into a mummy little by little, with no desire to live because my best friend since I was a child, my greatest confidant and the person I love, or loved, most in the world is no longer here.