"Everything I Never Told You"

Chapter |10| Kennedy

I don't know how I ended up here.

I woke up missing mom a lot today.

Emotions scattered, the black smoke in my head encouraging me to try and end it all again so I can be at peace, and memories won't stop flowing.

Everything I want to do is cry and be alone. I don't want anyone to find me right now.

I guess that's why my legs brought me in autopilot to the building's terrace.

I'm sitting on the ground, my gaze fixed on the sun which is about to set and listening to music.

I took of my hoodie since it's pretty hot out here and I'm not ashamed of myself and my scars since nobody is seeing them. I ignore them, so I don't count.

I have my sketchbook open over my lap, but since I came here almost an hour ago the inspiration won't come down.

I hate a painter's slump.

I have no talent at all. I'm a nobody.

You should end it all, nobody cares about you and you're a pain in everyone's life.

A fucking bacteria.

Stop. Stop. Please.

As much as being alone is what I crave the most, it's moments like this in which neither the music nor drawing calms the tsunami of negative thoughts running through my head that I begin questioning my entire existence, bad decisions and how I'd be better if I just disappeared.

I can't help but think it's all my fault. Mom's death, what happened with Will, Jax's anger at me for finding me so broken in a pool of blood.

It's all my fault.

Maybe I do deserve to disappear after all. I don't deserve anyone's love, much less concern.

I put the notebook on the floor and get up.

I walk to the edge of the terrace and look down. I'm 10 floors up.

If I fall, I don't survive.

Maybe this is the way to end suffering.

Maybe this way everyone around me, Keila and Jax, won't suffer anymore and I won't be a burden to them.

Maybe that's how the pain of Mom and Will's death will end.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I try to fight the black smoke in my head, but my foot takes a step forward, as if it knows this is the only way to stop the unbearable pain.

You'll be free at last.

No. No. No.

A tear falls down my cheek at the war between my head who wants to end it all, and my body who can't take that last step.

I get dizzy while looking down and take a step back. Then another, and another one distancing myself from the edge.

My eyes focus on the sunset and a small smile forms on my lips at its beauty. The yellow, orange and a little reddish color mixing in the sky and creating one of the most beautiful landscapes I've seen in my entire life.

The view calms me and my thoughts.

A hand on my shoulder breaks me from my thoughts and makes me jump.

I turn around with a on my heart from the scars I've just got  and find my brother who has an absolutely angry expression on his face.

I take off my headphones.

— "You scared me..." I sit back down.

— "What the hell were you doing almost at the edge of the damn terrace, Kennedy?" He's pissed and scared.