"Everything I Never Told You"

Chapter |22| Kennedy

The teacher spends almost the entire class talking about the importance of tomorrow's exam, and how if we don't pass, we won't be able to take our finals.

I should be stressed out, more since I didn't start studying. But I'm not.

The only thing in my mind these past few days is Reed Jenkins and the time I've been spending with him.

I'm confused about whatever this thing between us means and scared of feeling for him.

Every time I stop and think about it, my chest constricts. I don't know what he wants from me or finds interesting as to be spending time together, but I do really enjoy his company.

I like him. He makes me feel comfortable, forget and also have fun. I trust him.

It terrifies me the trust I have on him, more after how I trusted this way with Will and ended up backstabbed.

I should stop spending time with him before he finds out how fucked up I am. Before I...

No. I won't even go over there.

However, I don't know how long I can convince myself not to feel. He makes it impossible.

But I do know, pretty sure, he's going to get bored of me at some point. Reed's a man after all, he has his needs and he'll want for us to have...sex.

And I don't know how I'm going to explain to him that I can't give him that. That I'm still broken, and my head is a hell of negative thoughts, even though most of them remain silent when I'm next to him.

If I ever do that, again and for real this time, I want to be okay with myself. If that's even remotely possible.

— "I'm so screwed" Leilani's voice pulls me out of my thoughts "I don't know anything, nor have I paid attention to any class. Plus, today I'm having dinner with Jake's family. I won't have time to study".

— "I don't know anything either. After class I'm going to the library to study, before I go grab coffee with my friend Keila".

— "Ugh, at least we're both fucked up" she whispers while the teacher continues talking "Can you share me your notes latter?".

I nod and she smiles gratefully.

— "You're the best. Thanks" she picks ups her nails. "How was the weekend? I told you about my super incredibly sex, but you never come with some juicy tea. You hooking up with someone?".

Not going to talk about Reed or else am going to start overthinking everything again for the millionth time.

— "Just went out with the guys to some bar" I ignore her question and zig zag with another answer. "Nothing big, and definitely that type of fun you're having".

Though spending time with Reed and kissing him is my type of best fun. As pathetic as that sounds.

— "We need to find you someone my friend. I have some friends you might be interested in, and they fuck like gods" she winks at me "But don't ask how I know that".

Her words turn my stomach. But I think about Reed, at how I have him and don't need anyone else, and I feel a little bit at ease.

Oh, shit. No. I did not just think that. Stop it, Kennedy.

He's just being...friendly. More than any guy would, but he's doing that.

Do not catch feelings. You can't, remember last time when you offered your heart what happened.

I don't know if I'm trying to convince my head or heart of that.

— "I'm g-good by myself. Thanks Lei" I smile a little at her, without really feeling it.