You Saw Me

23

We had known each other for four days. Rationally thinking it would be very easy to just walk away and never look back. To store our days together as a happy memory and appreciate that my time with Henry had woken a part of me that had been dormant for many years. His attention and interest in me had helped me put Adam and the divorce behind me.

Love isn't rational. And no matter how I tried to rationalize what was going on between us, I always got stuck on the fluttering feeling in my stomach. 

I sat down with the girls and had a talk about what I was feeling. I felt like I needed them to talk some sense into me or at least guide me in a direction.

"Okay, here we go. I know it sounds crazy and I can't really believe I'm about to say this to you, but I am not ready to end this, whatever it is, with Henry." I almost blurted it out before looking at my friends waiting for the backlash. 

They looked at each other and then at me. Sarah was the first one to speak. 

"Okay. I think I speak for all three of us when I say that we support you. You and Henry have something, even a blind person would see it." She smiled and looked at Gayle, who was nodding along. 

"It's so obvious, El. He's nuts about you and you glow in a way I haven't seen in ages", Gayle added. 

"He seems so sincere and good", Ana smiled. "I get a vibe from him that matches well with you. He's such a kind soul."

"Wow, I was sure that you would try and talk me out of it", I admitted with a small laugh. "I feel like I might be in love with him. But how do I know? Maybe it's just an infatuation?"

"Oh we might still try to talk you out of it when you have to go underground because his fans want to lynch you. Or when Katelyn finds out", Sarah laughed while making a scared expression. 

"And the only way of knowing what this is, is by exploring it. We'll be here for you", Gayle concluded.

***

I sent the text and took one last look at myself in the mirror. My hair was loose and wavy. I wore a yellow sundress that I felt good in.

When I came over to the beach house Henry was in the studio. There was a big glass window between the recording room and the producer room. Henry was sitting in the recording room strumming his guitar, playing a melody that I recognised by now. He hummed it all the time when we were together. I stood for a short while looking at him through the glass. He was so focused on his music, deep in his own thoughts. It felt wrong to disturb his process. He played the same bit over and over again. 

You look into my eyes and it's something new

I look into your eyes, I see only you

And of all the many things that you could see

You saw me, you saw me

The fluttering in my stomach was back. This was my song. The words rang true with me and the way I felt about Henry. He saw me and he got me. He didn't try to change me or expect me to be anyone else than myself. I dried a tear from my eye, and the movement made Henry look up. He smiled when he saw me, but quickly his smile turned to a worried look. 

I lifted my hand to stop him from getting up. In stead I turned on the microphone in front of me and spoke to him. 

"Can you hear me?" I said in the microphone.

He nodded slowly, his eyes worried. 

"Good. I want to talk to you, and I need to be able to speak freely without interruption."

He nodded again. 

"I know we've only known each other for four days. There's absolutely no sensible explanation for what I'm about to say, but I have to say it to be true to myself. I was married for 14 years to a man, who didn't see me. He expected me to be a certain way and I lost myself trying to be someone I wasn't. These last four days with you, I've been more myself than I have been the past 22 years. And I love it. I love being with you. I know it's complicated, but I think I'm falling in love with you." 

By now tears were streaming down my cheeks, but I had to get it all out. 

"And the thing is, I can't fall in love with you, if this ends in a couple of days, because of your career, my age or some other obstacle. So if you have any doubts, I think we should say goodbye to each other today."

My breath had quickened to a point where I was having a hard time getting the words out. 

Henry flipped a switch on his microphone. "Can I come in there now, please?" he said without breaking eyecontact. 

I nodded as I wiped tears away with the back of my hand. He got up from the stool he was sitting on and placed his guitar next to a speaker on the floor. He came into the producer room, walked straight over to me and held my face in his hands. 

"You are so lovely. When I saw you on that karaoke stage four nights ago, I felt like I was struck by something. I couldn't keep my eyes off you. At no point during our time together, have I felt like anything but myself. There isn't a doubt in my mind that we have something. I can't let you go." 

He pulled me close and kissed me, deeply and passionately. It felt like the kind of kiss that ends the film. Like we were supposed to fade into closing credits. 

As we broke the kiss he continued: "Are you sure you want me? Even with all my mess?"

I nodded and kissed him again. "More sure than I've ever been before".