You Saw Me

52

We flew back to LA with Glenne and Jeff. Julia and James joined us. On the plane Henry and Jeff needed to go over some work related things, so I curled up in my seat with my airpods and listened to a playlist with Henry's songs. I'd asked him to make a list of the songs he was the most proud of. I listened to them with my eyes closed, shutting everything else out. His voice was intoxicating, sometimes soft, sometimes powerful. The lyrics were meaningful and filled with symbolism and metaphors. Some of the songs had a melancholy to them that resonated with my feelings of worry that our talk had changed something in our relationship.

When we came back to Henry's house, he dropped our bags on the floor of the hall and pulled me into his arms. He kissed me and looked me in the eyes. "I love you", he said. "Nothing has changed for me, you know that, right?" 

I hoped nothing had changed, but my imposter syndrome was tormenting me. I was so worried that he would change his mind, so scared that at some point this would be a problem we couldn't fix and I'd end up without him in my life. 

"Talk to me", he said, forcing me to look him in the eyes. I sensed a desperation in him, as if he was worried too. 

"I'm okay, I just worry so. I worry that you'll leave me. That you'll find out that I'm not so special and that there are problems we can't fix", I admitted, my eyes tearing up. 

Henry's eyes teared up as well. "Love, I'm not going anywhere. I'm worried that you'll pull away from me because you think not having kids is going to kill what we have. I am telling you, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, it changes nothing. Just be with me, just stay with me, don't pull away", he was crying, obviously truly worried that I would end things. 

I dried his tears with my hand and pulled him in for a kiss. "I'm not pulling away. I promise. If you tell me that it won't change things, I believe you. And if you promise to stay with me, I won't leave your side". I took a deep breath and reached my pinky up. He smiled at me, dried his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and linked pinkies with me.

***

I felt like there were too many things happening around me that were out of my control. Scarsdale felt like it was a million miles away, the contact with my friends was limited to chats on WhatsApp, I wasn't sure what the status was on Adam and I had really neglected my new job. And then there was the deal with my parents. I decided to give Gayle a call and talk it through with her. She was beyond excited and went on about all the pictures and clips she had seen of Henry and me on the red carpet at the BBMAs.

"You looked stunning, hon. We were so proud that everyone got to see how radiant you are. I am so impressed with the way you carried myself. " Gayle was as always my number one cheerleader. "How are things, El?"

I contemplated just opening up and throwing it all at her at once. I knew that no matter what I threw at her, she would help me. 

"There are so many things, Gayle. I feel like I can't just unload it all on you", I said. "I should have been back to work by now. I just left mid-process. I feel awful about letting you down. You've once again taken a chance on me and now everything's delayed because I'm out here". 

Gayle was quick to answer: "Don't be silly, sweetheart. I have no expectations of that house being ready any time soon. And you had a very special event that was important to your boyfriend. I hope you always put the people you love first". 

"I love you too, you know?" My voice cracked a little. 

"I know you do. And you always want to do what is best for everyone, but I need my best friend to be happy and safe, enjoying life and if that means you quit the project, I would only support that decision." Gayle was adamant that I learned to put myself first. "Now hit me with the next worry, I'm on a roll here", she chuckled.

I let out a little giggle. "Gayle, what would I do without you?" 

"Probably end up being sold for parts on the dark web", she sighed. That made me laugh.

"Henry and I had a very serious talk. Like the most serious one. He asked how I feel about marriage and that led to the talk about kids". 

Gayle was silent, just listening to me. "Go on", she said. 

"Henry loves children and he is so good with them. He says that he doesn't care that he'll never be a dad if he's with me, but I'm so scared he'll change his mind down the line".

"Mm-hmm", Gayle hummed, still listening; her lack of response telling me that she wanted me to reflect more. 

"I want to be with him. Selfishly I want him to choose me. We make each other so happy. All the insecurities I have disappear when I'm with him and that's pretty special." I paused for a while to see if Gayle would say something now. 

"Do you need me to sum things up for you or do you hear yourself?" She asked, a classic Gayle comment. 

"Please sum it up for me", I needed to hear it from someone else, because I had already been overthinking it to bits and pieces. 

"You love him, and he loves you. You want to be with him, and he wants to be with you. He is a grown-ass man, who says that not having children is not a problem for him. You can't foresee the future, and who knows, maybe in ten years you decide that you want something else", her smugness was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I laughed out loud, causing her to laugh too. "So I just let go?"

"You just let go", she confirmed. "Hit me with your next worry!"

I told her about having left things in a weird place with my parents, and she suggested I call them and define things for them. They had no say in this anyway, they needed to support my relationship or mind their own business. And she thought it would solve my Adam dilemma as well, as I could make him my mother's next charity project. 

"You are unbelievable. I miss you so much." I told her. 

"I miss you too, you silly goose. Oh, and I have some news actually. I sold your town house. I just need a few signatures from you and it's out of your hair. I've been thinking about it and maybe this is a way for you to start fresh, hon. Maybe you should leave Scarsdale behind for a while, stay out in LA with Henry? We'll come see you! I could come and get the signatures next week if you want?" Gayle poked my next nerve, which I wasn't even worried about yet. Was it time for a change of scenery?