You Saw Me

26

Our time in Anguilla was coming to an end. We were desperately trying to hold onto each other, because we both knew that reality would hit soon. We had no idea how hard.

Henry was staying in Anguilla a little while longer. He was busy working on his next album and since he had been on the road for almost three years, he was taking a long, deserved break with only a few public appearances planned. His plan was to travel and stay under the radar as much as he could. Selfishly I was happy about it because it meant that he would be able to come see me more often than he would be if he was on tour. Possibly we would also be able to go somewhere together if I had any holiday left from work. 

I was packing my suitcase, while Henry was laying on my bed supervising me. Every now and again he would take something out of the suitcase and throw it on the floor, just to tease me. 

"Are you trying to make room in there for yourself?" I giggled as I picked the sixth piece of clothing up from the floor. 

He laughed and made it as if to tip the suitcase over. I yelped and jumped to its rescue by bending down to kiss him. 

"I don't want you to go", he whispered. His eyes were watery and gleaming green like sapphire.

" I know. I don't want to go", I whispered back as I leaned against him. It was true, I really didn't want to go, but I had obligations back home and even if I wanted to throw it all away that wasn't who I was. After Adam, I had built a new life for myself and even though it had been hard it was a life I was happy with. The next chapter of my life would be to see how I could fit a relationship with Henry into that. 

Henry kissed my forehead and hummed while holding me. It was the song I heard him play in the studio a couple of nights ago. 

"I really like that song", my voice was small. 

"It's yours", Henry whispered. "The melody came to me when I met you. In a way it's almost as if it's written itself over the past week. When I write songs, it's because they come to me. It's almost therapeutic. I draw inspiration from what I'm feeling and you make me feel... seen. Like my career doesn't really matter to you, I could be an accountant or even a baker." He smiled at the thought.

It was true. At that moment I didn't care that he was a famous popstar with fifty million followers on Instagram. He was Henry, loving, caring and incredibly sexy. He made me feel seen. Never in a million years would I have thought that someone like him would even lay eyes on me, but he made me feel special and wanted. With him it was natural to just be my goofy self, I didn't have to pretend or act in a certain way, which was so refreshing after all the years I had been putting myself second. 

But that was also where the conflict in me was beginning to stir. Would I have to put myself and my own feelings second to protect Henry's career? Adam had expectations of me and my role in our marriage. First and foremost I couldn't embarrass him. He didn't say that directly, but it was always lying beneath his words and the way he reacted to me. So I had done everything I possibly could to button down what I needed and wanted. If Henry and I were to have a relationship, would I have to think about my every move as to not embarrass him? Would it mean that I couldn't go to the store late at night to buy sanitary pads or go somewhere to dance with my friends? The thought was gnawing at me, which Henry sensed.

"What are you thinking about, love?" he asked and turned so we were face to face. 

I didn't know how to tell him what I was thinking. At the same time not saying it was the equivalent of accepting it and burying my feelings. 

"I... I don't know. It's a worry I have. I want to share it with you, but I don't want you to feel like I'm backing away from us", I looked down as my eyes were beginning to sting a little. Henry gently put a finger under my chin and made me look up into his eyes. 

"You can say anything, Ellie. As long as it isn't goodbye". He tried to smile, but I could tell that he was feeling nervous about what I was going to say. 

"I'm scared that I will have to put myself second again", I started with a shaky voice. "Adam was big-league in his field and it was imperative that I didn't mess things up and make him look bad. Like I had to be Mrs. Parsons, a doctor's wife. I couldn't go to the store in yoga pants and a mom-bun, even if that was what I felt like. After our divorce it took me a long time to feel like I could do whatever I wanted. Actually most of this trip has been me dressing and acting like I wanted to without worrying about how it would make anyone else look or feel". I paused for a moment to find my words. "What I'm worried about is that I have to be a certain way from now on, so I don't embarrass you or do something that will affect your career negatively. Like if I go out and get drunk and sing karaoke - what would that mean for you?"

Henry smiled at me and pulled me close. "That would mean that my girlfriend is living her best life and having fun. Ellie, you couldn't embarrass me if you tried. You do you, baby. My career is mine to worry about. I would never expect you to behave in a certain way to protect what others think of me. What matters is us, what we feel about each other."

"So if you wake up one morning to a series of photos of me buying maxi pads, wearing yoga pants and eating chips straight out of the bag in Walmart, it won't make you feel some kind of way?" I knew it was comical, but it wouldn't be completely unrealistic. 

Henry laughed out loud so his dimples became visible, and I leaned in to kiss them. 

"I think I'd have to save those photos and keep them with me forever", he laughed and gave me a kiss. "Now let's unpack this suitcase, shall we?" He reached over and began tipping my suitcase over making me squeel trying to stop him.