Ellie has just turned forty when her husband of fourteen years announces that he's met someone new.
This sends Ellie into a deep depression that only her friends can help her out of. They invite her on a girls' trip to the Caribbean. The goal of th...
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Gayle's response was puzzling me, and on top of that she wasn't answering my last question. Henry was making sure to take care of the practical stuff that needed to be taken care of, so we could fly to NY. My mind was racing with questions; why did Adam want to see me? I wasn't even sure I thought it was a good idea, because I didn't know how to react to him. I was happy he was awake, I didn't want him gone. But I didn't want to spend time with him. I was fine knowing he was out in the world, well and safe, I didn't need to be face to face with him.
Henry seemed a little off as well, like he was unsure how to deal with the situation. On the plane to New York he was quieter than usual and I started to worry that something was wrong. Maybe he was upset with me for going to see Adam. The whole situation was upsetting and I felt physically ill from the nerves. I had been like that on and off, like my body was still dealing with the jetlag from flying over to England. I held Henry's hand and tried to talk about what he was feeling, but he kept saying that everything was alright, that I didn't need to worry. I felt like crying and telling him that it didn't feel alright at all, but I was exhausted and emotionally drained.
"Will you let me sleep in your arms?" I asked him. He smiled and nodded.
"Of course, love. Always". He seemed sad somehow, like he was far away in thoughts. He held me close and kissed me, and for a while I felt safe and fell asleep.
***
When we arrived at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital, I was feeling anxious. My heart was racing and I felt sweaty and a little dizzy. Henry comforted me and tried to calm me down.
"It's going to be okay, love", he said while he hugged me tightly.
"Can you come in with me?" I asked, looking up at him, scared he would say no. "I need you there with me", I almost whispered, somehow feeling like my heart was breaking. I really didn't want this to change things for us.
Henry smiled and took my hand. "Love, I'm not allowed. I'll be waiting right out here. I'll give Gayle a call, and get her to come and keep me entertained. I'll be right here, waiting for you". He kissed me and held my face in his hands, holding my gaze. "I'll be right here", he repeated.
I nodded, putting on my brave face and took a deep breath before entering the neurology department.
***
Adam was in his hospital bed, they had raised it so he was in a sitting position. He was looking out the window when I opened the door to his room. Dan and Lucy were there and they rose to their feet when they saw me in the door opening.
"Ellie!" Lucy said, not too loud, but loud enough for Adam to hear it and turn to look at me.
His face had changed, he was looking older than the last time I saw him. There was an asymmetry to his face, like he might be paralyzed in parts of it. He smiled at me, his smile different, a bit lopsided.
"Ellie", he said in a slow, slur. He reached out after me and I froze. I looked at Dan and Lucy, who were looking at me with a pleading expression.
"Hi Adam", I said and pulled a chair closer to his bedside. He was still holding his hand out for me to take. I didn't want to take his hand, so I sat down and waited for someone to explain what was going on.
Dan was the first one to speak. "Adam is suffering from retrograde amnesia. He's having a hard time recalling a big part of his life, especially the last 10 years seem to be a bit blurry. That's why he asked for you first of all. He doesn't remember that the two of you... well...", Dan trailed off, waiting for my reaction.
"...got divorced", I said out loud, knowing that they were trying not to say it. Lucy flinched when I said it, as Adam made a sound like he was saying "no way". I looked at him, feeling very confused and frustrated. His face was so different, but right now he was looking at me with so much sadness in his eyes, shaking his head. "No, Ellie", he said, tears pooling up in his eyes.
Lucy sniffled and went to wipe his eyes, but he pushed her away, clearly frustrated. I looked at Dan waiting for him to step in. They were both looking gray and worn, undoubtedly the last months had been tough on them.
Dan comforted Lucy and explained the situation to me. They had told Adam about our divorce and he was devastated, not able to remember anything about it. To him we had been married for four years and we were still trying desperately to have a baby together. All the heartbreak I had dealt with and worked through was starting over for him now. I felt sorry for him, I really did. Dan suggested that he and I go and find us a nice cup of coffee and then we could talk about it, calmly.
We walked to the vending machine to get coffee. I declined a cup, not feeling like drinking coffee at all. I was jetlagged, but the coffee didn't sit right with me.
"I'm so sorry, Ellie", Dan said, his face tired and sad. I squeezed his arm and nodded.
"It's okay, Dan. I know this is difficult. But he needs to understand that we're divorced. I can't be here." I felt so selfish for just wanting to leave and let them sort things out themselves. It was an unusual situation; how do you gently guide your ex-husband with amnesia through your divorce, and force him to find peace with the fact that it's over, and you don't love each other anymore?
