You Saw Me

93

"I feel dizzy, Gayle", I whispered, my voice feeling strained and small, like it didnt want to come out my throat. I felt like breathing was heavier than usual and my throat was closing up. Gayle nodded and told me to close my eyes. 

"You need to try and shut it all down, Ellie. Try and visualise that everything you're feeling right now are tabs in your brain browser. You have to close one tab at a time. Can you tell me what the first tab is?" She had her hands on my knees, keeping contact with me, when my eyes were closed and we couldn't see each other. 

"Adam's phone and the messages from that girl", I felt my voice hitch in my throat. 

"Okay," Gayle said. "Shut that down, El. Next tab."

Gayle's phone was vibrating constantly. 

"Henry's ex-girlfriend is a model. She's young and beautiful". Tears were streaming down my face. 

"Mm-hmm, shut it down. Next tab", Gayle sounded like she was emotional, but I couldn't open my eyes and look at her right now. It felt like the world might turn over, if I did. 

"They were looking at his phone, their heads close together", my voice cracked. 

"Shut that tab, hon. Are there more tabs?" She squeezed my knees. 

My breathing vibrated, as I took a deep breath. "I'm really scared of being left for someone younger, prettier and more interesting". 

"There we have it," Gayle whispered. "What Adam did to you still haunts you, so seeing Henry talk to his ex makes you scared that he might do the same, not because you don't trust him, but because you don't see your own worth. I can't say a lot of things in life for sure, but I'm pretty sure Henry would never do anything to hurt you. He loves you so, so much. And right now I think he might be in total agony. Can you open your eyes?" 

I opened my eyes and everything felt normal. My breathing had slowed down as well. Gayle took her phone out of her purse and called Henry back.

"Hey. No we're outside. On the balchony. Listen, you have to be calm when you come out. Yeah, she had a panic attack. No no, she's fine. Only you, don't bring anyone." Gayle stepped away while talking on the phone, but I could still hear her. 

Henry came around the corner, looking absolutely pale. Gayle placed herself between us, giving him a look, as if to tell him to calm himself. Then she put her hand on his shoulder and consoled him. He came over to me and sat down in front of me, drying the tears of my face and holding my hands. They were freezing cold. He looked into my eyes, searched my face for signs of what was going on. I wanted to tell him, but right now words weren't coming out. 

Gayle sat down next to me and put her arm around me to warm me up a bit. Henry looked at her, like he hoped she would shed some light on what had happened. Gayle looked at me and asked: "Do you need me to tell Henry what happened?" I nodded. 

Gayle explained that I had seen him and his ex-girlfriend talking, standing close together, looking at his phone, and it had triggered some pent-up feelings of insecurity. Something stemming from Adam and his betrayal. "Ellie thinks she's disposable. That she's a stand-in. She doesn't know that she is the biggest scoop of all. She compares herself to your young, tall, slim-legged ex and thinks that is more desirable than her." Gayle was exceptionally good at saying things the way they were, no beating around the bush. "Ellie is 100% wrong, but she needs to learn that. And it is not because she doesn't trust you. This is a battle inside herself and it's not a new one. Her parents and Adam didn't exactly nurture her self-worth."

"Oh love, no..." Henry was teary eyed. "I love you so much, I didn't mean to..." 

Gayle interrupted him: "It's not your fault Henry. You would never hurt her, she knows that. It's because she hurts herself, comparing herself, diminishing herself and telling herself that she isn't good enough for you. You prove her wrong every single day. Your album and the documentary are direct proof that you love Ellie more than anything, and that she to you is above everyone else."

Henry nodded. He looked at me and put his hand on my cheek and stroked it with his thumb. I leaned into his hand and let him take me into his arms. I cried on his shoulder a little while and he just held me, kissed the top of my head and didn't ask anything of me. 

Gayle suggested that we go home. She would help me get downstairs while Henry said goodbye to the people he needed to say goodbye to. He would join us downstairs as soon as possible. 

"Thank you Gayle", Henry said and hugged her tightly. 

"Hey, I love you guys", she said and ruffled his hair. 

***

Gayle and I found a different door that took us into the building, so we could get the elevator down. I felt really bad not saying goodbye to Anne and our friends, but Henry would tell them I felt sick, and that I needed to go home to sleep. 

In the elevator going down I hugged Gayle. "Thank you for being here, Gayle", I said and leaned against her. 

"Always," she said. "And when I move down here I can be your low-budget shrink every single day", she winked at me. 

"To be honest with you, I actually think you'd make a really good therapist", I told her. She smiled and nudged me. 

We went out the back door, where the limousine was ready to pick us up. Gayle stayed with me until Henry came down. He followed her back in to see her safely off. When he returned to the limousine and crawled in next to me, he scooped me up into his arms, making me feel safe and loved.