You Saw Me

51

Waking up in a suite in Las Vegas, with my head on Henry's chest felt unreal. All the happiness I was feeling in the pit of my stomach, such a fragile state, I would do anything to keep, but also feared I'd lose. Henry was awake, scrolling on his phone. He hadn't woken me, but let me rest for as long as I needed. He was smiling at the screen, his thumb moving swiftly as he wrote something. I looked up at him waiting for him to notice my gaze. He moved his phone slightly and caught my eyes. 

"Morning, love", he said smiling at me. He dropped his phone on the bed next to me and turned all his attention to me. "Did you sleep well?"

"Like a baby", I replied and sighed. "How about you?"

"Same. But I'm starving, is it okay if I order pancakes?" He asked, while kissing the top of my head. 

"Oh yes!" I exclaimed a little more enthusiastically than I intended.

Henry laughed. "Wow, you really like pancakes, huh?"

"Don't worry, I like you more", I giggled and looked at him cheekily. 

"I hope so", he smirked and tickled my sides. "Tell me you love me!", he said in a silly voice, while he tickled me. "I'm not stopping till you do", he threatened. 

I laughed and twisted to get free, but he was by far too strong for me. "I love you!" I said. 

"Sorry, what?" he said, theatrically putting his hand to his ear, while holding me fast with the other hand. 

"I love you!" I called out. "I love you, I love you, I love you". 

He laughed and scooped me up to kiss me. "Good girl, now you can have pancakes". 

***

We ate pancakes in bed, looking through posts online about the BBMAs. There were so many posts, we would never make it through all of them. The general opinion seemed to be positive; that we looked good together. There were hundreds and thousands of pictures of us and I felt a little proud when I saw them. We really did look good together, smiling and laughing. We looked happy and natural, not like we were posing or feeling uncomfortable. 

The selfie with the fans with the welcome sign was everywhere. We decided to snoop around a bit to see if we could find the girls on Instagram, so I could thank them. It didn't take long for Henry to find out who they were, so I could go to their profiles and comment on the selfie.

Henry was smiling at his phone, while I read through a couple of posts about us. I was nervous to bump into something that would make me feel like I had embarrassed him. 

"What are you smiling at?" I asked and tried to sneak a peak at his phone. He turned it so I could see his conversation with James Corden. 

I read through the messages and smiled at him. "You're lovely", I said and reached up to kiss him. "But please don't take me to a chapel yet, you might regret it still", I laughed. 

"No I wouldn't", he said with a serious look. "You are it for me, Ellie. I know you are. This is so special, you are so special". He cupped my cheek while talking. "But I know this is one of the serious talks we haven't had and I don't want to force you to have them either". 

"No it's okay", I said. "We can talk about the serious stuff. But if we do, we can't go back, you know?" I felt a little sting of worry. What if he suddenly realised that we weren't compatible on some fundamental issue. My biggest worry was the question of fatherhood. I would never be able to give him that, and I wasn't sure if that might be a dealbreaker in the end. I didn't want him to wake up in 10 years and realise that he missed out on parenthood, because he had chosen to be with me. 

"Okay, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions and you can ask me anything you want too, deal?" He held out his pinky for me to pinky-promise. I nodded and linked my pinky with his. 

"You've been married, and you weren't happy. How do you feel about marriage now?" he asked, swallowing a little harder than usual. 

"I'm not against marriage, if that's what you mean. I divorced Adam because he was wrong for me. I would marry again", I said feeling self-conscious. 

Henry nodded. "I've always wanted to get married. I'm a romantic at heart, and I love the idea of giving myself to someone... you", he said looking a little self-conscious as well. 

We sat for a little while, feeling a lot, but none of us ready to put it into words. I knew I would say yes if he asked me to marry him. Even if the rational part of me would begin questioning everything; the age difference, his tour-life, my infertility, the pressure of life in the spotlight. If I was to go on pure feelings, I would be with him however he wanted me to. 

Henry broke the silence. "I know you worry about kids". 

My gaze dropped to the floor. Henry quickly moved close and embraced me. I tried not to, but the tears came flowing, and I softly sobbed into his chest. 

"Oh love, I'm so sorry", Henry was holding back tears. "I didn't mean to make you sad, I'm so sorry".

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and leaned back into him. "I know you love kids and you would be a wonderful father. If you choose to spend your life with me, it's without kids. I don't want to be the reason you don't have children. I dread that you would end up resenting me for not being able to give you a child". My voice cracked as I tried to choke back tears. 

Henry cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. "Ellie, I could never resent you. I have kids in my life, my friends have kids and I hope I'll be an uncle one day, maybe. But you need to know and understand that kids are not a dealbreaker for me. I could meet a million other women, who could bear me a child, but who would never make me feel the way you do. I mean it when I say that no one has ever seen me like you. I become better with you."

He kissed me and held me without saying anymore for a while. It needed to sink in with me that even if I felt that not having kids should be a dealbreaker, it wasn't. Not to him. I had to believe it when he said so.