You Saw Me

63

I was allowed to take Henry in with me. The doctor advised that Henry was to stay by the door, so Adam wouldn't see him and feel overwhelmed or angry. I went out to the waiting area, where I knew Gayle was keeping Henry company. At first I couldn't find them anywhere. It was a large area with a lot of people. There was a play area for children, an information desk, a quiet zone and further down there were vending machines. I caught a glimpse of the back of Gayle's head down by the vending machines and walked down there in long strides. They were standing in front of a vending machine, contemplating what to poison themselves with. As I came closer, I heard part of their conversation.

"... so I didn't want to be an asshole and do it after that", Henry said, sounding sad. 

"But Henry, she wouldn't think so. At least that would surprise me", Gayle put her hand on Henry's shoulder, as if she was consoling him. 

"What would surprise you?" I said behind them, causing them to jump and turn around, both acting very weird again. 

"Ellie!" Gayle threw herself at me, hugging me and squeezing me. "Is everything alright, hon?"

I smiled at her weakly. "I missed you, Gayle. Thanks for being here", I said and reached out for Henry, who pulled me to his chest and hugged me tightly. 

"Are you feeling alright, love?" He said, looking at me with a concerned expression. I shrugged and gestured for us to sit down. 

We sat down in the seating area and I started explaining. I told them about Adam, who was awake, but remembered nothing. About Lucy and Dan who had aged twenty years in a matter of months, and about having to be the one to tell Adam we were done, and then say goodbye. 

Gayle and Henry both sat quietly listening to my words, each holding one of my hands and trying to comfort me. When I finished explaining, Gayle just shook her head and said: "Holy shit". Henry was quiet, he just sat looking at me, obviously worried about me. 

"So what now?" Gayle asked. "Do you want me to come in with you?" She smiled softly at me. 

I shook my head. "Thanks Gayle, but I really want Henry with me", I looked at him and waited for his reaction. 

His eyes were warm as he nodded. "Of course, love. I'll come with you." I leaned in and kissed him, burying my face in his chest. I took a couple of deep breaths, making sure to take his scent in and then I stood up. 

"You sure?" I asked him. 

He nodded and took my hand.

***

I entered Adam's room, only opening the door, so I could slide in with Henry right behind me. Adam was extremely sensitive to lights because of the head trauma, so all the lights in the room were dimmed. I told Henry that he just needed to be in the room, not to say anything and to stay over by the door. He promised he would be right there to take my hand, when I wanted to leave. 

"Ellie?" Adam asked after me even before he could see me. 

"Yes, it's me", I answered, walking up to his bedside. He patted on the bed, wanting me to sit by his side. I shook my head and tried to smile at him. "I'm sorry Adam, I don't want to sit there". 

"Baby, what's wrong? Where were you?" Adam asked, sadness and confusion in his voice. I flinched at the "baby", looking back to see if Henry had heard. It was difficult to make him out in the darkness, but he was standing quietly by the door. "Is there someone there?" Adam asked, trying to squint at the door. 

"Adam, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?" I asked, distracting him from possibly seeing Henry. 

Adam nodded and looked at me with a look of pure love and admiration; the way he used to look at me, before he found out he wanted something else. I needed to treat this situation like a bandaid and just rip it off. 

"The doctors are telling me that you remember something?" I asked, making sure to speak quietly and slowly, giving him time to process what he heard. 

"Mm-hmm", Adam nodded, smiling at me. "We just went to Aspen", he said with a smile.

I remembered that trip very well. It was ten years ago and it had been a nightmare. I had miscarried just before we went there. The treatment we had gone through had failed for the third time, but all I felt was that I had failed. I was a weak woman, not even able to carry a child. I wanted to stay home and process the grief; Adam wanted to go skiing in Aspen. We went to Aspen, but I was sad the whole trip. 

"Adam, Aspen was ten years ago", I said trying to keep my voice light and to hold back the tears I felt were coming.

Adam made a face at me and shook his head. "No way", he said. 

I took a deep breath, went closer to the bed and sat down next to him. "Do you know why you are here?" I gestured around the room. 

"I was in a car accident", he answered, looking down on my hand, that was resting on my thigh. "Will you not hold my hand?" His voice sounded hurt and small, and I felt so bad for him. 

"Do you remember being in the accident?" I asked, trying to avoid the question. 

He shook his head and kept looking at my hand. 

"Adam, everything that happened between Aspen and your accident is gone from your memory right now. That must be so confusing and scary." I forced him to look me in the eyes. 

He nodded, looking sad. I imagined that he was feeling the need to have me close, like I did with Henry. That he needed to be calmed. But I couldn't be the one to do that. 

"About a year ago, I found out that you had met another woman. It ended our marriage and we were divorced", I sensed his breathing become more strained. His brow was furrowed and he obviously wasn't happy with what I was saying. I put on my brave face and continued: "I moved out of the house. I lived in Scarsdale up until a couple of months ago, then I moved to LA. Like you, I met someone new". I held my breath for a moment, waiting for his reaction. 

Adam didn't react at first. He sat in bed, his hands shaking and his expression strained and angry. He didn't say anything. 

"I'm not your wife anymore, Adam, and I need you to understand that. A lot has changed; me included. I'm here to wish you the best, but also to say goodbye." I started to get up from the bed, but Adam reached out and grabbed my arm. He held onto me forcefully, refusing to let go. It hurt my arm, as I tried to gently get him to let go of me. "You have to let go, Adam", I said with an unyielding voice. 

"You are my wife!" Adam roared at me, spit flying from his mouth, his eyes wild and bone-chilling. 

I knew Henry wouldn't be able to stand silently by. He hit the call button on the wall and came to me. Adam's eyes landed on Henry and he looked so confused. 

"Let her go", Henry said in a calm, assertive voice. He took my hand and pulled me closer to him. Adam was trying to process what was happening, looking at us with a mix between bewilderment and red, hot rage. 

A team of nurses came barging in through the door. They quickly assessed the room and started calming Adam down, repeatedly asking him to let me go. Someone was fetching a tranquilizer. 

Henry didn't flinch, while Adam's eyes bore into his. "Let her go", he repeated. Adam moved his gaze and looked at me. Tears were welling up in my eyes, partly because my arm hurt, but also because I just wanted it to be over. I blinked and tears fell down my cheeks. Adam let go of my arm, still holding my gaze. 

Henry pulled me closer and started walking away with me. I cried as I heard Adam wail after me. Once we we're at the door, I turned around and said "Goodbye Adam".