You Saw Me

30

I came to lying on Bob's floor with my feet elevated. Bob's secretary, Nancy was holding my head in her hands and Bob was on the phone. I blinked a few times and mumbled: "What happened?"

"You fainted, dear", Nancy spoke in a calm voice. She was a sweet lady, maybe in her fifties and she always called me "dear". I really liked her. "Now we need you to stay put like this until the paramedics arrive, so we can make sure that you're okay to get up". 

I nodded and sighed. A tear trickled down my cheek. Nancy wiped it away with her thumb and whispered: "Everything will be alright". 

The paramedics arrived quite quickly and they started the procedure of checking my heart rate, blood pressure, blood sugar and my reflexes. They checked my eye movements and made me wiggle my toes as well as touch my nose with closed eyes. 

"All seems to be fine", they concluded and added: "You may just have been experiencing a panic attack. Have you been under a lot of pressure lately?" 

I didn't know how to respond. No, because I just came back from holidays in the Caribbean. But yes, because I fell in love with the biggest popstar in the world, and his fans, and apparently also my colleagues don't approve. No, I found it best to shake my head.

The paramedic smiled and added: "I think it would be best for you to go home to rest. Is there someone you can call? Your partner or spouse, maybe?" 

Ow.  That stung a little. "My friend Gayle, maybe", I responded trying not to sound too sad. 

Nancy made the call for me and Gayle came as fast as she could. She came directly to Bob's office and shook his hand. "Hello Bob, shame we have to meet under these circumstances, but thank you for taking care of my friend. We'll see you later this week". She gave him one of her big smiles, the one that you couldn't resist. Bob seemed to be blushing. Gayle's presence would do that to you. She was a force, that one. 

"Do you have anything in your office?" Gayle asked before we left. 

"Oh yes, my bag and my phone are in there", I replied making it as if to get up and get it. 

"Don't be silly, hon. I'll go get your things", she hurried off to fetch them so we could be on our way. 

***

When we got down to her car she hugged me tightly and held my hand. "What the hell happened, El? Are you okay?" She sounded more nervous, less in control than in Bob's office. 

"I just had a panic attack", I almost whispered. "I just... ", I started sobbing at the thought of the crude comment I had overheard and all the letters in my office from Henry's fans. It was just too much. 

Gayle opened her bag and presented the stack of letters. "Do these have anything to do with it?" she said with a soft voice. 

I nodded and drew in my breath a little shakely. "And people were acting weird."

"Acting weird how?", Gayle asked while squeezing my hand. 

"They became silent when I entered the office. And everyone was looking at me. I overheard someone saying something about me, and it just...", I paused to catch my breath. 

"What did they say?" Gayle said in a slightly more stern voice. I knew she would react to it, but I couldn't keep it to myself, I needed someone to guide me. 

"She's the one sleeping with Henry Stiles", I quoted and covered my face. 

"Assholes", Gayle said angrily, which somehow came out so comically that I let out a snorting laugh. Gayle laughed at my snorting sound and immediately I felt lighter. 

"Do you want me to take you home?" she asked when we had finished laughing. But I really didn't feel like being alone. Ever since we had come back my house had felt wrong. Even though the alarm system was installed and it would take quite the mastermind to enter my house, I didn't feel safe there. 

I shook my head and said: "I don't feel at home there at the moment". 

Gayle gave a little smile and said: "Do you want my annexe?"

***

We drove by my house and packed a bunch of things. Gayle called Xander and asked him to get the annexe ready. "Is she coming home?" he said on speaker. That made me feel happy. There was something relieving about knowing that they would be close by. 

"I don't know what to pack", I complained as we were rummaging around my closet piling things on my bed to put in a suitcase. 

"Pack it all, hon. I think you should stay with us indefinitely", Gayle said. Once again she was coming to my rescue when I needed her. 

Unable to find the right words I hugged her and said. "Thank you". 

She smiled and started emptying my closet.

***

Later that evening I called Henry on FaceTime. As soon as I saw his face on the screen my eyes started welling up. 

"What's wrong, love?" he exclaimed clearly worried about me. 

"It's been a rough day", I started, trying to smile and not seem too sad. 

Henry tilted his head and asked: "Where are you? That doesn't look like your room."

"I'm going to stay at Gayle's for a while. She has an annexe I can stay in. It's really lovely, like my own little apartment." I turned the phone around so he could see more of the space I was in. 

"It looks lovely", he said smiling. "But why are you staying there?"

There really was no gentle way of putting it. So I started out by reassuring him: "I'm in love with you, Henry and I miss you so much. When we were in Anguilla we were protected, safe from unkind words and people doing unkind things. But since I've returned, my house has been vandalized, I've received a bunch of letters at home and at work, I've been featured on TMZ as a golddigger, my colleagues are talking about me behind my back and I had a panic attack at work, which resulted in a visit from the paramedics and Gayle having to pick me up from work. My home doesn't feel like my home anymore. And I miss you. I just... I miss you so much". I dried a few tears with the back of my hand and waited for a reaction from him. 

He wiped a tear away looking off screen for a little while. "I'm so sorry, Ellie. This is why being with me is complicated. I never meant for you to have to go through this. If you don't want to be with me anymore, I..."

"I do!", I interrupted. "Please don't doubt that. I just need some help getting settled in a lifestyle I know nothing about."

He smiled a little, crooked smile and nodded. "I love you, Ellie. I will do whatever is necessary for you to be safe. I wish I was there, so I could hold you". 

I felt a touch of sadness in the pit of my stomach. Of all the things I could wish for right now, I wished he could hold me too.