I'M NOT YOURS (BM)

37

Aku merempuh masuk ke kamar Crystal. Katanya dia nak tidur, tapi sewaktu aku ketuk pintu bilik macam nak roboh, dia buka pula.

"Hey, is something wrong?" Teragak-agak Crystal menyoal aku.

"You never told me that you're sick!" Herdikku. Crystal pejamkan mata, rasa macam penipuannya terbongkar.

"I dah okey sekarang," balasnya perlahan. Aku geleng.

"You never told me Cryst! Why? You just ghosted me like that! You didn't even told me— why!!!" Kataku marah.
Aku cekak pinggang.

"Pumpkin...I..." dia kelu.

"You should tell me about it Cryst, I could stay by your side!" Ujarku jujur. Andai kata dia beritahu aku dahulu, mesti aku tak akan kecewa sebegini.

"How could I," katanya menahan sebak.

"How could I told you about it pumpkin, I can't!!!!" Hamburnya.
"I can't imagine dying in front of you!" Luahnya.

"But you're not dead!" Sambungku.

"Cryst, back then we faced everything together! Why didn't you told me about it?!" Marahku. Dia ingat aku akan tinggalkan dia kah kalau tahu yang dia sakit? Tak mungkin!

"I nak cakap! Tapi, I can't bring myself to tell you! Just the thought that I might not waking up from operation scares the shit outta me!" Luahnya.
"So I left," tambahnya.

"I can let you see me die pumpkin. It's too heartbreaking for me," ujarnya.

"What?" Soalku.

"It was 50-50! I might be dead as soon as they cracked my head open!" Luahnya.
"How could I let you see me dying like that! How could traumatised it's gonna be for you!" Hamburnya.

"All this while, I've been thinking about you! I've been thinking how to make you happy all your life!" Katanya.
"I can't let you traumatised with me dying!" Katanya.

"Cryst!!!" Jeritku.

"You think I'm that brittle!? You think I'm a crybaby that is vulnerable right? Why would you be dead! There's always hope for everything!" Marahku.

Crystal ketawa sinis.

"You're a crybaby Zoelle Mellissa! It's America! It's far from your hometown. If you stay with me, and I dead...you'll be alone," katanya.
"I'm not that selfish to take you with me!" Hamburnya.

"I left. So you could go back home and start a new life without me," katanya.

"It will be too hard for you if I end up not opening my eyes in front of you," katanya.

"My heart can't take it if you cry," ujarnya.

"You need a new life without me! If I die, at least you won't know, you won't cry," katanya.

"And you did have a new life Zoelle," ujarnya.

"I datang sini sebab I miss you. It's fine if I can't have you, I'm fine with it! As long as I can stay by yourside, I'm good," ujarnya.
Aku mendengus.

Air mata aku menitik, begitu juga Crystal.

"I boleh mati time tu Zoelle. I tak nak you tahu yang I sakit. That's why I ghosted you," ujarnya dalam tangisan.
"Cryst..." panggilku. Aku pejamkan mata. Aku kemudian bergerak ke arah meja solek bilik hotel.

Aku lihat ada beberapa butir pil dan sikat rambut yang banyak rambut gugur di atas meja solek itu.

Aku mendengus.

"It's coming back ain't it?" Soalku. Dia diam membisu. Aku pegang sikat rambut Crystal. Dia diam.
"This time, I might be really dead," katanya sambil ketawa sinis.