StarChaser// Jegulus||✔️

James

I stand and watch Regulus' retreating figure, frozen to the spot.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to fix this.
For the firs time in my life, I don't want to be at Hogwarts.
I feel a tightening in my chest, my throat feels like it's closing up and I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I grab onto my chest and try gasping for air. I can't get a full breath.
I can't breathe.
My vision starts tunneling, my ears start ringing and my mouth goes dry.
I can't breathe.
Is this a panic attack?
I think someone is calling my name, but my head is swimming. I'm no longer emotionally present. I'm panicking. I don't know what to do.
Someone's hand grabs my shoulder and I jolt, momentarily stopping the panic. I take in a full breath and everything dies down, leaving me slightly shaky but finally able to breathe.
"James? Are you okay?"
It's Lily Evans.
Out of all people I don't need her here.
"Yeah fine" I reply
"Can I talk to you?" Asks Lily
"Is it important?" I ask
"It is" Lily replies.
I sigh and rub my hand over my face. I can't deal with this right now.
I follow Lily into an empty classroom. She closes the door behind me before hoisting herself up onto a table, swinging her legs back and forth.
"What's up?" I ask
"I heard about you and Regulus"
"Yeah, you and everyone else" there's a bitter tone to my voice and it makes Lily wince slightly, but surely she understands that what I'm going through is rather anger inducing.
"It just made me wonder" Lily beings
"About what?"
"About whether you really did like me? Or whether it was a cover up?"
"Seriously?" I genuinely cannot believe what she is asking. I cannot believe how insensitive she is being right now. "Seriously? You're asking me this? Right now?" I don't even know how to express my anger right now.
"I really did like you, Lily, I was convinced I loved you. After almost five years of straight rejection a man can only do so much. I probably should have backed off the first time but I held on to so much hope for you and you never pulled through so I got over you and moved on and then I found Regulus, it's not my fault you're suddenly seeing what I've been feeling all this time"
"James, there's no need to be angry with me"
"But there is, Lily. You rejected me on every turn and finally now you start to feel things for me, and don't deny it, you wouldn't care this much about how I felt about you if you didn't, and you decide that now, the moment I've been outed, is a good time to ask questions about how I really felt about you? Don't you think that's insensitive?"
"I needed to know"
"Yeah well I needed Snape to keep his greasy great big nose out of my business and his fat trap shut but we can't have it all I guess"
"I'm sorry, James"
"Yeah, so am I"
Lily walks over to me and places a hand on my shoulder "I'm here for you if you need me" Lily states. I try to offer her a small smile but I don't think it works well. "Thanks, Lily" I reply.
She looks at me for a moment before she kisses me. It takes me a second to register what she's doing but the moment I do I push her away.
"What the fuck?" I ask
"I'm sorry, James, it just felt like we were having a moment"
"Yeah, a moment of friendship! Not a romantic moment! Lily, I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Regulus"
Lily seems saddened by this. She simply nods and walks away, deciding she has nothing left to say to me.
"You know, you should be nicer to Sev, he's not all bad"
"With all due respect, Lily, I admire you for being the bigger person after what he did to you but after this stunt he's pulled, Severus Snape has absolutely no chance of getting a nice word out of me"
"I guess that's fair"
and with that, Lily leaves.
I sit in the classroom for a while, enjoying the silence and solitude that comes with it. At least in this empty classroom no one's staring at me, or pitying me, or whispering about me
or hurling abuse at me. In here I'm just me. In here I'm safe. I do have to leave at some point,
Soon enough it's time for dinner and I trudge down to the Great Hall, really not wanting to see anyone, but my stomach betrays me and decides it needs feeding so I obey it's wishes regardless of my reservations.
I sit down in my usual spot next to Sirius but he doesn't talk to me. I think he's conflicted on how to feel about Reg and I, which I understand, but not talking to my best friend is so unbelievably hard.
I don't talk to anyone during dinner, I really don't have the energy for it. I just sit and eat my meal, hoping that the time passes quickly so I can go and hide out in my dorm room with the curtains drawn around my bed.
After dinner I watch people file out of the hall as I patiently wait for my turn to leave so I can scurry off without being noticed.
However, I get stopped before I can leave the hall by no other than Regulus Black himself.
"Come to shout at me some more?" I ask
"James, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to lash out at you like that, none of this is your fault. I was just so angry and overwhelmed that I took it out on the first person I spoke to, which unfortunately for you was you" Regulus replies, quickly explaining and justifying himself as though he thought his time was limited. Maybe he thought I was going to lash out at him- part of me wanted to- but I wouldn't do that.
"I just thought you would have realised that we were in similar situations and you would have understood that perhaps we could have gotten through this together but instead you decided to push me down further and then leave me to my own devices in a time where I needed you the most"
I didn't feel like being all that understanding and forgiving.
"You basically pushed Snape to out the both of us!"
Regulus was putting his defence on, I could see all the defences he could think of forming in his head.
"Oh so now it's my fault that we're in this position? Great, I'm so glad. Just so you know, this prank, incident, whatever you want to call it, wasn't my idea but you don't seem to care that much since you're so fucking desperate to place the blame on someone"
Now I did want to lash out at him, I did want to shout at him, my self restraint is waning thin and I'm not sure I can hold back much longer if he keeps this blame game up.
"No, I'm not blaming you, I'm sorry, that came out wrong"
"Enlighten me, what did you mean to say?"
"I just meant that in the moment I needed someone to blame for what Snape did"
"Then you should have blamed Snape, since he was the one who did it"
"I do blame him, I don't know what I was thinking, James, maybe I wasn't thinking at all. Maybe I was just blinded with anger, that tends to wash away any rationality. You're not cutting me much slack here"
"For fucks sake" I run my hand through my hair and then rub my hand down my face. "We shouldn't be arguing and blaming each other it's just making everything worse than if needs to be. We're both going through the same thing and right now I don't have much of a support system so I really need you and I don't want to lose you, not over this"
"No, you're right"
Regulus sighs and walks over to me, wrapping his arms around me, embracing me in a hug that I definitely needed. I nestled into the cook of his neck and exhaled. I'm glad this ended on a positive note, it would have made me feel shittier if we had have left on a negative note, if we had have stormed away in anger.
"What was that you said about not having a support system?"
"Oh, no one's really talking to me at the moment, things are a bit tense between Sirius and I, but I knew it would be, and it's worth it for you"
"No, James, your friends treating you like shit for loving someone isn't worth anything"
"They're not treating me like shit they just don't want to take sides so Remus and Peter are kind of just removing themselves from the situation"
"Sirius shouldn't be making things tense" Regulus protests
"It'll pass it'll be fine"
Regulus looks like he wants to protest further but sighs instead and just hugs me again.
When we pull away I cup his face with my hands and kiss him deeply.
"James, we're in the great hall" Regulus states, blushing
"Oh Merlin, what if we get caught and everyone- oh wait, last time I checked everyone knows about us now, so I don't need to kiss you in secret anymore, I can kiss you whenever and wherever I like" I say smugly, with a stupid grin on my face.
This makes Regulus blush even more.
"How about you and I meet in the astronomy after hours tomorrow? I've missed you"
"Sure thing, sounds great to me. I've missed you too"
"Great"
I smile at him, I really have missed him. I just want to be here with him in this moment forever so we never have to face everything that's being thrown at us right now.
"I love you" Regulus says
"I love you too" I reply, still smiling at him.
We kiss goodbye before we part ways and head back to our dorms.
After our reconciliation I'm feeling a lot better, I feel lighter in a sense, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, like I can finally breathe again.
That feeling lasts all of two minutes because I stumble across Severus Snape. The very last man I want to see.
He grins at me.
Little shit.
He opens his mouth to speak, but something in my clicks and all the rage I've collected throughout the day surges through me. I've had just about enough of this bastard trying to one up me, trying to provoke me, trying to ruin me.
There's a reason no one likes him, a reason Lily pities him, a reason he has no friends and that reason is because he is an annoying, tedious, insulting, unbearable piece of shit and that's me being nice.
Before Snape can even utter a single syllable I punch him square in the face. I hear a crack. I think I broke his nose. Good, thing needed fixing anyway.
"Fuck! What'd you do that for?!" Exclaims Snape, gripping his face in pain.
"That's what you get for being a pretentious prick"
"Oh you're bringing out alliterative insults now? I didn't think you had that high of an IQ"
"Oh I have a lot more insults than that, I sure hope you don't plan on irritating me anymore either because I also have a lot more punches to throw"
I then pin him up against the wall "I swear to God Snape, I have no idea why you are the way you are and frankly, I don't care but I hope you know I resent you, I wish the worst upon you and if you ever try to hurt the people I love the way you've hurt me today I will not be as merciful as I have today" I state through gritted teeth "Do I make myself fucking clear?" I ask
Snape nods as best he can. I let go of him and storm off.
Now I feel a lot better.

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Hello there my lovelies!

I know it's been a hot minute but here is another chapter for you all! I hope yous all enjoyed! I'll see you next time, but until then, have a wonderful day!

Stay wonderful!

All my everlasting love,
Blue<3