StarChaser// Jegulus||✔️

James

When Sirius apologises, I felt the weight of the world lift off of my shoulders.
I feel so happy I could cry.
Truth is, I haven't been letting on the whole truth. Sirius has been clipped, tense and short tempered with me since he found out about Regulus and I.
It killed me.
Everyone else was trying to be the same with both of us but I knew that was difficult for them. I made it a bit easier, I stopped talking, I distanced myself a bit. I started seeing Regulus at every moment I could. I was getting miserable.
But now everything is okay.
I wrap him in a bone-crushing hug. I never want to let go of him again.
"Are we okay? Can you forgive me?" Sirius asks
"Sirius, I was never angry at you in the first place, I'm just glad to have you back again" I reply and Sirius smirks at me.
"Now, if you don't mind, I'm having dinner with my boyfriend, but I might catch you later" I add. Sirius nods "Of course, have fun" Sirius replies before walking away.
I sit back down next to Regulus and place my hand on his knee "Sorry about that" I say with a small smile.
"Trouble in paradise, Potter?" Asks Barty with a coy smile
"Just a bit of a rocky road, but it's all water under the bridge now so no harm done" I reply smoothly, but Regulus scoffs
"Something wrong, love?" I ask
"No, no nothing" Regulus lies. I don't push any further.
"You have O.W.L.S this year don't you?" Asks Evan
"Indeed I do" I reply
"Have you not started revising for them yet?" Asks Evan
"I've been meaning to. I just keep getting distracted, or I forget. My mind is very...busy I guess is the best word so it continues to slip my mind but my marks are decent so I think I'll be alright" I reply nonchalantly
The thing is, is that my mind seems to work differently to everyone else's. Everyone else seems to be organised, they seem to have schedules or planned out days or routines. I've tried all of those, none of them seem to work.
I always feel so restless, so disorganised.
I never sleep well either, my mind never seems to shut off but I don't want anyone to worry about me so I play it off. Besides, once every two weeks or so I get so sleep deprived I crash and get a full 10 or 12 hours so I can't complain really. My head is just always so full. Except when it's just me and Regulus, then the thoughts all seem to dull and become background noise, my mind becomes quieter and I feel peaceful. He really helps.
"Decent is the understatement of the year for his marks, the last charms test he did, he got 105%, I didn't even know you could go above 100" Regulus adds, making me blush.
I hate showing off, especially my grades. I don't mind getting attention for the pranks that I pull with the boys, but I always feel guilty whenever I talk about my grades, it always feels like I'm bragging even when I'm not.
"Blimey, Potter, I didn't know you had the lights switched on up there" Barty comments, pointing at his head
"Sirius and I tend to make grades a competition thing, see who can collect the most high grades, it gives us an incentive to work" I reply, shrugging it off.
"Merlin, I need brains like yours" Evan comments, almost in awe.
I am itching to change the subject, so much so that I start bouncing my right leg. My left hand instinctively goes to my mouth and I begin to bite at my nails.
"How in Merlin's name did you manage to get 105%?" Asks Barty
"That's nothing compared to his potions, he got 110%" Regulus brags
"110?!" Barty and Evan shout in unison.
I feel really uncomfortable, but I can't seem to speak. My chest feels tight. I hate when this happens. Everything suddenly feels busy and overwhelming, all of a sudden all the conversations in the great hall become louder and I feel as though I'm drowning in all the noise. Barty, Evan and Regulus' voices all merge into one and fade out as a ringing takes over in my ears. My breathing begins to get shallow.
I don't say anything. I just stand up from the table and start walking, walking away and out of the Great Hall.
I continue walking out into the foyer and up the stairs. I'm trying to control myself to make sure I don't go head first into a full blown panic attack.
I'm not sure where I'm headed but my mind is swimming. I'm starting to get tunnel vision.
I stop walking and lean my back against the wall in some random hallway. I slide myself down the wall until I'm sat on the floor. I bring my knees up to my chest in the hopes that making myself smaller will help to calm me down.
I lay my head on my knees as I try to control my breathing.
In through my nose
Out through my mouth
In through my nose
Out through my mouth
It's not working.
I feel someone sit next to me.
"Now isn't a good time, Reg" I say breathlessly
"I know, that's why I told Reggie to stay put" Sirius replies.
I lift my head to look at my best friend "You followed me out?" I ask
"Of course I did you dimwit, I knew something was up. I saw Reggie follow after you but I told him it's best he give you some space and that I'll see what's up" Sirius replies
I smile weakly at him "Thanks" I reply
"So, wanna tell me what's gotten your knickers in a twist?" Asks Sirius
I don't mind having Sirius around when I'm in this sort of state, namely because I've seen him look worse, but also because he knows how to make light of what can be seen as a shitty situation, he's good to have around in times like these.
I lift my head up and rest it on the wall behind me, still trying to get a firm grip on my breathing. I explain the situation to him slowly whilst subconsciously counting my fingers to give me something to distract myself with.
"I know he didn't mean any harm by it" I add before Sirius says anything and he nods at me "I know you know that, doesn't make it any better for you. I think you just need to have a chat with him. But Prongs, your grades are nothing to be ashamed of, you need to be proud of them, or else you're doing yourself a disservice, and I won't stand for that. You deserve to be recognised, to be bragged about. Truth be told you're bloody brilliant, and I'm admitting that whilst no one else is around so I can deny it later but it's true, you are. You have a mind that never ceases to amaze me and a heart like gold, anyone would kill to be you, that deserves to be shown off. You're allowed to feel the way you do but you also need to recognise that there is nothing wrong with being intelligent"
I smile and nod "Thanks, Pads" I reply
Moments later, Regulus turns the corner, his face riddled with guilt.
"Sirius, can we have a moment?" Asks Regulus.
Sirius looks at me for confirmation that I don't mind being left alone with Regulus. I nod, letting him know it's okay. After I do that he stands up and walks off, Regulus walks over to me and sits in the spot Sirius was just in.
"What happened back there?" Asks Regulus
I sigh and explain to him as best I can. "I know it sounds stupid" I begin but Regulus cuts me off "It's not stupid at all, I should have noticed you were getting uncomfortable and I should have changed the subject, that wasn't fair of me"
"Thank you for understanding, and for not being mad at me" I say
"James, I'm never going to be mad at you got expressing your emotions to me, our relationship should be and is a safe space for the both of us to communicate and express ourselves in. I'm glad you explained it to me"
"Thank you"
I rest my head on his shoulder and he runs his fingers through my hair for a while. We sit there in comfortable silence for what seems like minutes. "Do you want to come back to our table? Evan, Barty and Dora really like you" Asks Regulus, almost hopefully. I do like his friends, but I'm too embarrassed to go back and sit with them just now. I kind of just want to go to bed.
"Thank you, but I don't think I will. I think I'm going to go back to the Gryffindor Common Room" I reply. Regulus' face falls ever so slightly and I can tell that he's disappointed, he would never say it, but I can tell.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Asks Regulus.
I rub my neck with my hand subconsciously and I don't look him in the eye. "I think I need some time to myself at the moment" I start "but it's not because I'm mad at you or anything I just need to calm down a bit and get myself sorted out" I quickly add.
Regulus slowly nods
"Oh okay"
"Are you mad at me?"
"No, no not at all"
"You seem upset"
I can feel the panic starting to rise back up in me, and I begin pulling at my fingers
"It's just that I was going to ask if you wanted to spend the night with me in my dorm tonight" Regulus admits
I don't really know what to say.
I would love to do that, of course I would, but at the same time I don't want to do that when I'm not entirely okay. After panics like this I prefer to calm myself down in my own room with things I'm familiar with. I don't want to spend the night with him and be off all night.
"That would be really lovely" I begin, but then I realise that sounds as though I'm saying I'll stay with him "I really would like that but just not tonight if that's okay? I just would like to be alone tonight" I add tentatively.
Regulus simply nods "I get that" is all he says. I feel like I've disappointed him. I immediately feel as though I should take back my statement and spend the night with him, but then I also feel like that wouldn't be fair on Regulus, I should spend the night with him because I want to, not because I feel like I have to. I need to stick to what I've said. I think I've had enough drama for today. I take a deep breath and remain with the decision I've made to prevent complicating things further.
"I love you" I say
"I love you too" Regulus replies.
I engulf him in a hug and give him a kiss. As he pulls away, Sirius turns the corner.
"I just wanted to make sure you were both okay" says Sirius.
I nod "I'm gonna head back to the common room, probably head to bed and get an early night or something" I reply
Sirius nods "Want me to walk you down there, Prongs?" Asks Sirius.
I shake my head, I can't let Sirius do it if I won't let Regulus. "I'm okay, Pads, thank you" I reply and he nods again.
I give Regulus one last hug and turn to walk away. I walk all the way up to Gryffindor Tower and I head straight to bed, apparently, my bi-weekly crash has arrived early.

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Hello there my lovelies!

It's been a hot minute but I have returned with another chapter!! I thought I'd hint at James having a touch of ADHD bc I think that's just something James would have, he also is an anxious boy, no one can tell me otherwise so have a bit of angst I guess! Anyways I hope you enjoyed, I'll catch you in the next chapter but until then have a fabulous day.

Stay wonderful!

All my everlasting love,
Blue<3