5 years ago:
" we just dont want to be your friend." Lacy tells me. Im 13 and stood in the cafeteria. There sat eating lunch and my palms are turning sweaty and my tray is slipping in my hands. " what? Why?" I ask, i try not to beg but im freaking out inside.
" i mean not to be mean. Your crazy." Sophie laughs, the other girls grin and look between each other and me. Last week i got overwhelmed in the library and started screaming, literally. Teachers came up to me and i just wouldn't stop screaming. My parents were called in and they hauled me to the car where i didn't talk at home for 3 days.
So yeah maybe i did go a little crazy. But who do they think they are telling me im crazy. " fuck you. Whores!" I yell. I throw my tray on their table and storm off. I start to cry and the teacher tells me i need to calm down.
" leave me alone. Im fucking crazy." I yell. I start screaming and i cant stop. Im put in a room until my parents get here. They told me to stop screaming and then my dad dragged me to the car. I was driven to the hospital and the doctors told me they would get to me when they could.
All i remember was that my dad was pacing up and down the waiting room complain how he was paying for me to be upset. But i was seen and i was diagnosed with BPD. I was told that i had been having major anger episodes.
Now:
I graduated last month, which i wasn't sure i would walk for because i was in a 5 month depression so i got minimal school done but once i returned to somewhat normal i cracked on and got all the work i needed to graduate done.
But matt has been the absolute best. We met when i was 17 and he was 18 just finishing school. But now im free and we can have the best summer.
" we can go to the beach. We can hang out all day and you can even stay over on a school night." I say, adding quotations around school night. He laughs. The weather is warm and were in his houses back yard. His mom is playing cards with his dad on the table and Chris, Nick and Nate are in the pool but me and matt are laid in the hammock together.
" shit my moms calling me, gotta go." I say pecking his lips before saying goodbye to everyone else. I wave and head off to my car. I drive home and dinner is on the table. I sit and eat and there is a letter for me.
Its a College acceptance letter. Im going to Brown university. I squeal and my parents look worried for a second but soon relax when my shoulders relax and they see the college acceptance.
Im happy but then the wave of realisation hits me. Ill be moving away. Ill be going somewhere where i know no one. Absolutely no one. I start to cry and my mom thinks its happy tears but soon realises im not happy.
" whats wrong honey?" She asks. " ill be leaving. Ill be all alone." I say to myself. I repeat myself for half an hour and cover my ears so all i can see is the repetition in my own voice. Soon its 10 pm and im still repeating the same sentence over again. " ill be alone." I say.
My parents have gone to bed and left me a cup to tea on the table which is now cold.
Its been 6 days and im in my bed. I think i showered last night im not sure though all i know is ill be alone.
Knocking on my door wakes me up. No someone banging on the door wakes me up. "Y/n come out. Its been days. Come on." Matt says. I stay silent. " i cant. You'll leave and ill be alone." I say, he scoffs. " trust me its going to take a lot for you to get rid of me." He laughs.
I dont find it funny.
I swing the door open and his face looks hopeful but i feel the need to crush it. " Matt you dont get it. Why do you want to stay with me. IM CRAZY." I yell. His face turns sad and his eyes relax. All the hope in his face is gone.
" ill move away and you'll decide im not worth it and then your going to dump me and leave me." I say. He shakes his head. " no. Why are you feeding me all this shit." He fights back. " because i know it'll happen." I shout. Im shouting and he's turning angry. Why am i pushing him away?
"JUST GO." I yell. He stands debating for a second until he walks away. " okay but your all wrong." He sighs, he walks off and i hear him yell fuck as he's slamming the door behind him. Why do i push him away?
I havent talked to matt in 2 weeks. He's texted, I've texted. But i havent moved from my room. Ive got full plates of food in my room but today is the day im moving them out, and im getting matt back today.
I take all the food and plates down and after that i head back upstairs for a shower. I leave my hair down and put on lipgloss. I decide i look stupid with the makeup and then take it off. I just get in the car before i decide all this is stupid and get back in my bed and stay there for a year.
I drive to matts house and knock on the door. Before my knuckle hits the door it swings open and Nick is heading out. " oh hey. How are you doing?" He asks. " im good, is matt in?" I ask. " should be. I think he's in his room." He says. I thank him and he jumps in his friends car. " you can do this." I whisper to myself and walk up to his room.
I knock on the door and he hums in response. " fuck off Chris." He groans and i hear him turn over on his bed. " no its me. I really want to talk to you. I need to apologise." I say. He flings the door open, his face shocked im actually stood here. " im so-." I start and he just wraps his arms around me. I lean into his shoulder and wrap my arms around his torso.
" matt i actually need to say sorry, because i am. Im going to work on not pushing people away. Especially you. Because i love you and i know you wont leave me." I say. His lips curl up into a smile and he grabs my neck and kisses me. " i love you too. Dont do that to me ever again." He says. I kiss him and promise ill make it up to him.
A/n: i kinda hate this but id wrote too much to scrap. SO TRY TO ENJOY!
