I Let Myself Want You

3 ● Jesper ● 16.09.2022

September 16th, 2022

Jesper, New York

The surgery was scheduled on Friday. I booked my favorite OR, my trusty scrub nurse with her team, head of the anesthesiology department and the best resident I could find – fifth year, because I needed someone with experience. Nobody but the OR team and the Chief knew about the surgery here. The operating room had a 'closed' sign hanging on the door, so that nobody would come inside, so that people wouldn't know there was a surgery happening in there. It was basically a secret we were supposed to keep from the whole hospital, just like Mr. Lee's whole stay here.

Before I came into Minseok's room, I sent Yohan a quick text, signaling that we'd be starting the surgery in about half an hour, or so. He was supposed to be here today, he really wanted to be here, but unfortunately, he had his own surgery scheduled for today, a tough, long one, so there was no way he could make it to NY Presbyterian anytime soon.

When it came to us, we've been talking. Those past few days, we were talking, from time to time, mostly about his dad and his condition, but we've been also catching up on our past. I found out more and more things about him and every time he told me some story, I was mad at myself for not being there to see it.

"Good evening, Mr. Lee," I spoke cheerfully when I came into his room. It was six in the evening already and we had a long surgery ahead of us. I wasn't really happy about working overnight, but I was sure to get lots of hours of sleep before this evening, knowing that I'd have to stay up until late. I had to admit that I was nervous as hell, it was Yohan's dad after all, and the surgery wasn't simple. "Are you ready?" I asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be," he answered, smiling at me warmly. He put his glasses and book aside, signaling that he was ready. "But, Jesper, can you tell me something before we go?" He asked, and the tone of his voice surprised me a bit, but I decided not to question it just yet. I nodded, wanting him to ask the question already. "What happened between you and Yohan?"

Well, shit. I didn't expect our last conversation before the surgery to be this. "What do you know already?" I decided on asking, knowing that he had to have some idea about what happened, or Yohan must have told him something.

"He told me that you stopped being friends, because you didn't want to go to Harvard with him," Mr. Lee explained. Wow, I totally didn't expect Yohan to turn me into the bad guy. Did he really tell everyone that it was my fault that we stopped being friends?

"That's not what happened at all, Mr. Lee," I said bitterly. "I wanted to go to Harvard, I would have gone with him anywhere, we were best friends," I admitted, because that was the truth. I wanted to go to Harvard with Yohan, I knew it was the plan, I didn't complain about it, not even once. I accepted it.

"What happened then?" He asked, a bit surprised. Was he surprised that our versions of the story didn't match? Was he surprised that I wasn't at fault?

I thought about it for a second. Should I tell him what happened? Yohan would probably kill me if I did. It was his father after all, the very person he's been hiding from for so long, I couldn't exactly tell him that we drifted apart, because Yohan was scared of having feelings for a boy. And okay, that's not really the case, he didn't have any feelings for me, but I meant feelings for boys in general. "It's quite personal. I don't- I shouldn't talk about it, it wouldn't be fair towards Yohan," I said eventually. I may have hinted at something, saying that it was personal, but I didn't know how else to put it.

Mr. Lee simply nodded in understanding. "Jesper, I want you to know that my son is far from being happy," he started, and I got anxious at that. I didn't know where he was going with this, and I don't think I wanted to know. "It may seem like he has a perfect life, but he's far from happy. He's truly unhappy, and I think I know the reason now," he continued, looking at me with curious eyes. "He lost his best friend, he lost the person closest to him, and he's been miserable ever since."

I snorted loudly at that, because what he was saying was far from the truth. "I don't think I'm the reason for his unhappiness, sir," I admitted, because honestly, I'm sure I wasn't.

He looked up at me with a funny smile, like he knew something I didn't. "Let's get something clear, son," he started. I always found it weird when people called me that, considering I lost my dad when I was young, and he was the one who always called me son. My mom, never, but dad, all the time. "I know that you liked him once, maybe you still do, I'm not sure, but I know you did all those years ago. And I think that's why the two of you drifted apart. I don't know what happened exactly, but I think he's been unhappy because of it, he's been hurting after he lost you, Jesper."

I had to admit doctor Lee kept surprising me with all of those words, I had no idea he was so perceptive. "It's not like I left him because I wanted to, Mr. Lee. He gave me a pretty solid reason to do so," I explained, my voice laced with bitterness, every fucking time I spoke of it.

"You mean he hurt you?" He asked, frowning.

I nodded lightly. "Like I've never been hurt before," I admitted, my voice breaking. I didn't want to cry, not in front of him, certainly not because of Yohan. I've already cried enough because of him.

"Damn it. I'm sorry Jesper, I didn't know, I thought it may have been the other way around," he admitted, a little ashamed. So, Yohan really turned me into the bad guy in Minseok's eyes. That was a low blow. Or maybe he actually acted hurt? Maybe he was hurt?

"It's not," I shrugged helplessly, pulling myself together. "He was the one who broke me. Whatever he may have felt after, could have been my fault, but he started it," I explained and then we fell silent for a while. I didn't know what else to say, and it seemed like he didn't know either. He was probably processing the fact that his son was the one who hurt me. "So, when did you figure it out? That I liked Yohan?" I decided on asking.

"I think you were pretty obvious, son," Minseok chuckled a little. "I'm surprised he hasn't figured it out himself," he admitted and I smiled sadly at that. "It was deep, wasn't it? Were you in love with him?" He asked.

And fuck. Fucking hell. Fucking fuck. Lee Yohan, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Even your father noticed that I fell for you. How the fuck could you have missed that? "I think I still am, sir," I said, smiling through the tears. Fucking hell. The very person he was afraid of, knew everything. There was not a fucking thing to be afraid of. Damn you, Lee Yohan. "But it doesn't matter, right? He has a family, and I'm nothing to him," I shrugged and wiped my tears.

"You're not nothing, Jesper, trust me," he assured me, though I don't know if I believed him.

"Okay then, maybe I'm something. But I'm not what I would want to be for him, and I never will be. There's no point in crying over it, what's done is done," I said indifferently and stood up. "We have to focus on you now, sir. That's all that matters to me now. So if you don't mind, I'd like to take you to the OR right now," I proposed, and without even waiting for his response, I opened the door and called the nurse, so that she could take him to the operating room. I myself went there faster, so that I could scrub in properly. I met the resident in the scrub room and gave him a curt nod with serious eyes, I wanted him to be focused, we couldn't afford any mistakes tonight, not on Lee Minseok.